I LOVE this poem...isn't this always the way, ladies?!
I found it the other day, and thought I'd share...
Please note...
*I am not obsessed with any stupid jerk* 

 

The Stupid Jerk I'm obsessed with
By, Maggie Estep

The stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
stands so close to me
I can feel his breath
on my neck
and smell
the way he would smell
if we slept together
because he is the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
and that is his primary function in life
to be a stupid jerk I can obsess over
and to talk to that dingy bimbette blonde
as if he really wanted to hear about her
manicures and
pedicures and
New Age ritualistic enema cures and
truth be known, he probably does wanna hear about it
because he is the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
and he's obsessed with doing anything he can
to lend fuel to my fire
he makes a point of standing
looking over my shoulder
when I'm talking to the guy who adores me
and would bark like a dog
and wave to strangers
if I asked him to bark like a dog
and wave to strangers
but I can't ask him to bark like a dog
or impersonate any kind of animal at all
cause I'm too busy
looking at the way the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
has pants on that perfectly define his well-shaped ass
to the point where I'm thoroughly frantic
I'm just gonna go home
and stick my head in the oven
overdose on nutmeg and aspirin
and sit in the bathtub reading The Executioner's Song
and being completely confounded by the fact
that I can see
the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with's face
defining itself in the peeling plaster of the wall
grinning and winking
and I start to yell,
Get the hell out of there
You're just a figment of my imagination
Just get a life and get out of my plaster
and pass me the next painful situation please
but he just keeps on
grinning and winking
he's the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
and he's mine
in my plaster
And frankly, I couldn't be happier.

© Maggie Estep

How a Good Day goes Bad
By,
Jen S.

It all started off good enough.  Wake up late..( woo hoo!  that's the good thing about fireworks being after dark..it makes the kids sleep later!!)  Go get coffee..( of course) And then go to my FAVORITE breakfast place..yum!  Home..a little poetry writting..fun with the kids...blah, blah...
Then we decide to go for a walk.  We took a new trail..and it was beautiful!  ( And Mike carried James in the backpack..which made my life TONS easier!)  We walked about 3 miles..it was warm..we could see the lake through the trees..Emily was picking flowers.. a really good time. 

And then...dun dun dun....

I want to go to Old Navy...They are having a sale on some shorts and a shirt I wanted.  I talk Mike into it..( he's THRILLED...snort...)  We head out.

Now picture this...

We are driving...hwy 18..around 70mph..( Mike drives fast..if it was me...I would have been doing the speed limit...no, really...okay, maybe not...maybe I would've been going faster..but I'm losing my point.  What?  You're not suprised?  Shhhh...be nice...) 
Anyway...we are cruising along in the left lane..and then BLAM.  It feels like we hit something ...hard..under the car.  And then we drove over it.  Again and again.  The whole car shudders...and Mike starts cussing.  A lot. 
Guess what it was.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Farris?  Sorry.  Yeah, so it was the transmission.  It BLEW UP.  Yeah..like KaPOW!  Like shards of metal under the hood..but minus the transmission that was now all over the left hand lane of Hwy 18.

Emily slept through it all.  Go figure.

We coast ( which is easy to do when you start coasting at around 70..) to the off ramp..and stop.  Calling friends franticly, all the while, there is still a lot of cussing going on...( Emily is still asleep..)...friends on the way.  Okay, good.

NOW..know this.  No one stopped.  NO ONE.  Not one person.  Not even the two cops that went by.  It was funny really.  If we were back in Medford, we would have had cars lined up to help...ahhh..the city.

But Mike and I had fun with it...laughing it off...well, as much as possible, anyway...
Wishing we would have had cardboard and pen...
Me, holding the "For Sale" sign, with an arrow pointing to the van...
And Mike, holding the "Will work for Transmission" sign.
But no cardboard..and no pen.  Dammnit.

So the moral of the story?  Get rid of the damn mini van BEFORE the transmission blows friggin up.  OY. 

My new mantra.."  I will never own a mini van again...I will never own a mini van again"

Hope you all have a great day!

xoxo
me

Let Freedom Ring

 

The Fourth to me has always been a big holiday.  Full of fun, and friends, and rememberance...

Rememberance of all that Us as a People have done, and will do, in the name of Freedom.  I'm not a supporter of the war in Iraq.  Or of Dubya.  But I'm a big..a HUGE supporter of the troops.  My Grandfather faught in WW2..a parajumper..( I think that's what it's called..) with the 82nd.  I never knew him, he died when I was two.  But I'm still so proud of him. 
I find myself trying so hard not to make an ass out of myself when I see a man in uniform.  Sure, I'm a sucker for a uniform..( shhhh...you know who you are..) But it's more than that.  I just want to gush...to tell them how completely proud I am, and that I understand the sacrifices they have had to make.  That I know the dangers they face daily, all in the name of freedom.  I don't think I'll ever, ever to able to say enough thanks for that.  While I sit here, today, in the comfort of my home, my kids playing in the livingroom...( without a care in the world)..and me...sitting here typing on the computer...I think of the men and women who are in danger right now.  I think of those before them...I think of Pearl Harbor.  I remember...and I'll never forget.

 

 independence, independency -- (freedom from control or influence of another or others)

This Fourth will be the first that I haven't done anything special.  No BBQ..no picnic.  Mike is working, and I have the kids...so we are just hanging out here.  It makes me somewhat sad...
BUT....I feel the independence this year more than any other year.  I feel as though this is the first year I have truly understood the definition of independence. 
I'm finding my path...slowly..but surely...and I'm finding a freedom I never expected.

I hope you all have a wonderful, safe 4th.

From my Heart to Yours.
xoxo

Jen

And here I go....

 

I'm going to turn in resumes in just a few minutes.  I'm going to be talking to people, hoping I don't freeze, and sound like a complete moron.  I'm so scared.  What if they think I'm stupid?  What if they laugh when they see I haven't worked in 4 years.  What if they think I've lost my touch.  What if I have?  SHIT.  Okay.  I need to think energy, sunshine, vitality.  I need to get centered.  I need to remember that I AM whoever I CHOOSE to be.  That I AM worth it.  That I AM good for this profession.  That I will be PERFECT in this roll. 

I'm wearing my new pin striped skirt, my cute knit black sweater,...and my power heals..( it's really all about the shoes, right ladies?)  I have my hair down, strait, and behind my ears.  My make up is perfect.  Now if only I can smile with my eyes..we'll have it made.  If only I can bring myself to truly, TRULY beleive I can do it...then I will.  I WILL.

Okay, pep talk to myself OVER...lol

Have a great Friday..I'll update later..

xoxo

me

Edit...
I'm bacckkkkkk!!  And I only made it to one place, because I ended up talking to the manager for 45 minutes or so.  It went sooooo well.  They don't have any openings in that office, but they do have some in other places.  She told me she was really impressed, and she was going to call her Corporate Manager, and let him know she was faxing it over to him right away.  MAN...it feels so good to have really gone and done it, and had them like me....whew!  So off I go..to the Dr.  And then off once again to job hunt tomorrow...yay!

A big thank you for a pep talk and a 'Go Jen'...and for making me smile.  Mwah!!

Off I go..to the ladies Dr....yuck. 

Tainted

How easy for you to come undone

Yes
I am the Tainted One

 

How easy it was to give you a daughter, a son

Yes
I am the Tainted One

 

How easy it was, to tell you I’m done

Yes
I am the Tainted One

 

How easy is was for me to ride of f in the sun
Yes
I am the Tainted One

  

How easily it was, for me to run

Yes

I am the Tainted One

 

It's Monday
( In case you forgot...arn't I creative with my titles??)

The weekend was great.  Friday involved lots of fun...meeting a bunch of new people, and hanging out with wonderful friends.  I can remember all of it...but it's fuzzy at best...and funny...at worst..lol.
I laughed harder than I have in a long time...  One of Angelas friends is really, really fun.  And I was so completely comfortable with him...( and this is where it gets funny...) I was so completely comfortable with him, I was holding his hand...we were dancing...blah, blah...all because......I...thought...he...was...gay.  Yeah.  He's not.  Oy.  It's a good thing I didn't know that until the next day...I would have been way too embarrassed.  I mean, we wern't making out or anything, but still...oy.  Yeah, I'm a dork.  My gaydar was broken.  Obviously...lol.  But a good time.  The only bad point was went I left my cell phone in the back of the cab.  So we were up until 4:30 waiting for the cabbie to come back with it.  But hey...I didn't wake up with a hangover..so that's good. 

Here are a few pictures...

This first one's a little scary..but hey...whatever..lol

Saterday was Bainbridge Island, to go see the in laws.  We actually had a great time.  It was a beautiful day...and everyone seems comfortable..which is good...because I was kind of scared....

On the way home, Mike and I got into a huge fight.  Patterns seem to reform when you're not careful.  We were interupting eachother, blaming eachother, accusing...it got pretty ugly.  Complete breakdown of communication. And I realized something.  I'm angry.  Completely angry about everything.  Throw things kind of angry.  I'm angry at me, at the situation, at Mike, at Aaron, at his parents, at our friends....I'm just a big ball of pissed off.  So when I went back to pick up my car at Angelas, I ended up staying, and talking, and crying like I haven't cried in years.  Big wrenching sob kind of cry.  It felt so awful...but so good.   I told her it was like everything had just built to the point of no return, and once the tears started,  there was no holding back.  I hate how that feels.  The complete lack of control of my emotions..the helplessness that comes with it.

But I feel better now...a lot better, because I've purged all of that.  I'm still angry, but ready to move forward.  A job this week...or next.  And I'm going to go spend a week with my mom in July.  That will be so nice...just hanging out...being together.  It's nice to heal at 'home' you know?

This is a completely random blog, I know...sorry about that...I'm distracted today, by way too much.  But I'm smiling..so that counts for something, right?

Going back to the pool today...( I WILL use sunscreen..damn it.) It's hot once again...so the pool will be so nice...Cant' wait!!

My love to you all...have a great Monday.
xoxo

me

P.S....waiting to get pictures sent my way....then I may post a few...( If I don't look completely scary!!)

Girls Night Out..
(err..plus Pete..)

Tonight, I go out with Angela, to celebrate her birthday...Her gift is soo cool..( I'll tell you later...muahahahaha...)
Happy Hour at The Chapel..( and happy it will be... )
Dinner at the Capitol Club..( Trying to make Charmed jelous here!)
Singing at The Cresent..( and it's underwear night!  whoo hoo!!)
The good thing is we'll be on Capitol Hill all night..so no driving everywhere in Seattle.
Oh, and more comfortable shoes this time..that's for sure..lol
The last time we went out with a group of people..
This is how I looked at our 2a.m. appitizer fest...

And right before..I looked like this...

Angela is the Goddess of Pictures...
So I'm hoping..PRAYING even, that she takes some good ones of me..
Instead of the 'I'm to drunk to smile pretty' kind of picutres'

And I will be drunk...Oh yes.  I will.
Hope you all have a fabulous Friday night!

xoxoxoxo

Meeeeeeee

Diving In

 

Soooo much I want to blog about.  No time...okay, there's time..but the confusion remains..although, things are getting more and more clear as time wears on.  Woo hoo!  Clear is good.

I look like a lobster.  Sexy, eh?  I spent yesterday by the pool, with my Girl.  And our kids, of course...although it was fun pretending we were there by ourselves..giggling, laughing, talking about everything..( with one eye always on the kids..)  And I wanted to remove my 'farmer tan'.  Okay, RACHEL wanted me to remove my 'farmer tan', and I wanted her to shut up.  She enjoys pointing and laughing way too much..Yeah.  It's removed alright. I now have the 'dumb ass burn'.  You know, where every part that was white is now red....chest, upper arms, back.  You could play tick tack toe on my back right now, from where my swim suit crossed.  Oy.  Yeah, I'm a dumb ass...but hey I'm a TAN dumb ass, damn it!!  ( okay, a tan and burned one..but lets not split hairs, here..)

The kids and I ended up just staying the night...having a great dinner..a shot of good Tequila..( only one though..).  We were planning on swimming again today...but wouldn't you know it...the first time in TWO WEEKS it decides to cloud up..and stay cool.  In the afternoon we decided to go anyway..( the kids put on their whiney hats..).  But guess what.  The pool  was closed for a deep cleaning...WTF?  HELLO!!  Middle of fargin JUNE here!  Deep clean in the WINTER you idiots!!   Emily was thrilled when she awoke from her deep-car slumber, and we were almost home.  The rest of the car ride was a joy, with a four year old crying her poor heart out, because we weren't going swimming...and James deciding that if Emily was going to cry, he should defiantly join in.  And of course, he had to cry louder.  Oy.  Yes.  And Oy again.

So all in all...a great couple of days.  I know I've said it before, but I like to remind myself, and those I care about....I'm lucky.  I'm lucky to have such good, good people in my life.  I may be disposable to some, but not all.  And my friends keep me moving forward. ( This includes all of you!)  They remind me of who I am.  Who I want to be.  And they love me no matter what.  This is a gift I can never repay..and one that needs no payment.  They invest in me..and I in them.  My network is strong.  And I'm lucky.

Hope you all have a great Thursday!
All my love..to you...yeah..YOU.
xoxo
Jen

Randomness

(even the picture is random...I just thought it was sexy..)

 

This blog will be all about randomness....be warned..

It was hot again today...working on a full week.  Sunny, beautiful...but hot.  I'm still hot...I'm not complaining though..Nooooo..I'll take this instead of constant rain any day!

Resumes looking good.. I rock.  I think things are going to be just fine...on that count, at least!

Emily likes glue.  A lot.  Mike and I were having a talk on friday..she was playing 'quietly' in the living room.  Yeah.  Glue everywhere..hallway, hardwood floors, table, ALL over her...and we couldn't be mad..she made us a 'present' which consisted of diffent colors of contruction paper all glued together..with a straw sticking out of the middle.  Pure Art.  With so much glue, in fact, that it feels like strong cardboard.  But it's beautiful.  Then, Saturday night, Mike goes in to check on her, because she's not sleeping.  Glue.  Everywhere.  All over her..again...all over her Dr. Kit...all over her little table.  So...yeah.  No more glue.  Glue is the devil.  Raar.

James is obsessed with the phone.  Obsessed.  He talks on it..( or if it isn't available, he'll happily use his hand..and say..'Hello!'..which sounds like 'hioooo'.)  Yeah.  He's my kid.

Today, Emily had a emty bottle of water outside.  She held the bottle over the recycle container, looked at me...and said..."Recycle?"  Yeah, she's four.  Is it silly to be proud that she could say that, and know what it meant at such a young age?  Don't tell me if it's silly...I'm proud anyway.

I found a hammock today.  Someone down the street had it outside..25 bucks..freestanding.  I wrote a check that they'll cash on the first...because we are b.r.o.k.e.  But I wanted it..( this said in a whiney voice..)  And I love it.  It's so fun. 

I put up a tent today, with lots of ball pit balls in it..( think McDonalds ball pits..or Ikea..you get it.)  James got it for his birthday from his YaYa..and It was so fun for them to play outside in...except James wants to go running into the street..( our backyard is still a unplayable disaster from the December storm..)  He just runs..and when I chase him..he runs faster and laughs at me.   It is possible for a one year old to mock?  Yes.  Yes it is.

So they played..I pulled weeds..then layed my ass in the hammock...LOVE it..( did I mention that?)  And read my book.  I'm reading  Angels and Demons by Dan Brown..( The author of the Divinci Code..GREAT book)...He's such a good writter...I'm so hooked already..and I'm not even to page 100...And I'm getting Tan.  Yay.  No more pasty 'Seattle' white...woo hoo!

I made a amazing dinner tonight.  A 'poor mans' dinner.  Where you see what's left in the pantry, and freezer..then just throw it all together.  It was sooo good.  I mean GOOD.  I'll  remember how to make that...even when we have money..lol

So tonight, I was laying out in the hammock..watching the stars..and the whispy clouds float by....and I felt happy.  I still yearn...I still want...but it was beautiful...I told my friend tonight, I think it was a perfect moment.  Sometimes I think life is full of 'glimpses of perfection'...( I'll have to remember that for a thoughtful blog..but this sure as hell isn't it, eh?)

I wanted to watch The Princess Bride tonight...I NEEDED to watch it..it's such a nice comfort movie for me...But Mike stole it.  Took it to work.  Meany.  So I was stuck watching old reruns of The Cosby Show...( Which I used to LOVE as a kid...so it was fun..just not the Princess Bride..you know?)

Okay, I think I'm done..and headed to bed..I'm sooo tired..but Em has a cold or something, so she's been up on and off all night..poor girl.

Hope you all have a great Tuesday..( It's tuesday today, right?)

xoxo

Jen

Searching for Myself Amongst the Chaos.

 

I've found, the last few days...I've lost site of Me.  What I want...when I want it.  Who.  What.  When.  Where.  Why.
My life...my heart, has been in utter chaos.  And I feel myself turning inward, to find the answers to these questions.
On Friday, my heart skipped a beat..and then fell, crashing to the floor.  But on Friday evening..I found relief.
I found friends..who are there for me constantly.  We went swimming, then had a BBQ.  After our meal, we all sat around.  My friend got out his guitar, and his father got out his Mandolin..(sp?)..and they started playing.  Old songs, new songs.  His fathers voice pure and true.  And I sat outside, with James content on my lap, and Emily ( for once) quiet..listening intently.  I laid my head back, looking up at the way the trees moved gently in the breeze, opening myself..letting myself feel.  It was magical.  Them playing, the warm day, the clear sky.  Music and laughter eased my chaos that day.
But reality strikes again.  And I wonder...who am I really?  I know this is a question I'll never have a complete answer to.  I know I'll forever be seeking, and learning, and growing.  And I'm grateful for that.  But I would like some long term relief for the chaos that is constant.  And I know, that only I can do that.  So I guess it's time to figure out how...

Anyway...on to the next.  Emily had her ballet recital yesterday.  Can I just say..she was of course, the most beautiful and talented one there?   I may be a 'little' prejudice..but hey, she's my girl.  I was so proud of how well she did.  I'll post pictures when we download them. 

Oh, and HAPPY FATHERS DAY!   To the few men with children who read me. 

I think that's all for now...
I have to go clean, and grocery shop, and get a picnic together for today.
Hope you all have a great Sunday!
xoxo

Jen

Okay..instead of checking my email every farging second..I'm going to make a list.  Here we go...

* Complete Resume.
*  Print it.  Make it look Rockin'.
*  Erase my memory
*  Make a list of places I will want to work, along with numbers
*  Call first thing in the morning.
*  Stop obsessing about things I can't control.
*  Clean my damn house.
*  Hug my kids.
*  Realize I'm only as good as I think I am..not as good as anyone else thinks I am.
*  Be true to myself.  Not always my heart.  It tends to mess me up.
*  Remember the humor in my life.
*  Laugh.  A lot.  About anything and everything I can.
*  Play outside. 
*  Live life here...instead of wishing I was there.
*  Take a cool bath..and pamper myself.  Shave my legs, lotion up..paint my nails..
*  Mend myself, instead of wanting someone to do it for me.
*  Love myself.  Completely.

Okay...well...I guess that's that.  I'm going to go finish polishing my Resume now.