I took a walk down memory lane, thanks to xanga, and this whole blog thing that never goes away.  Forever, on the web.

I’m good.  Working at a great place, making great money.  Upswing in fanancial security.  Kids are thriving.  Beautiful.  The biggest joy of my life.  Amy and I have settled in to Bellevue, so we’re close to the kids school.

Looking back over 7 years…is uncomfortable.  It makes you realize how much you grow, and change.  Reading with fresh eyes, new perspectives.  Its painful in ways I wasn’t prepared for.  Wishing things could be different.  Wanting them different.   Forever the seeker, who is pulled to nostalgia.  

Hope all is well with anyone who may still be around. <3

xo

j

Wellll, hello!

Ok, so the bad.  I don’t write when I’m happy.  And the good.  I’m happy.

I miss writing, especially poetry…but the stuff I’ve written is mushy and lovey, and well…I don’t love it.  So I’m not writing.

Instead, I’m gardening, we’re redoing hardwood floors, I’m working at the same job which I dont love anymore (and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up).  James just turned 6.  Damnit.  I wish he could stay little forever.  Emily is busy, and happy and smart and adorable.  Amy is great.  We fight now..we’ve hit that stage.  But it’s not bad, actually.  If that makes sense.  We work it out.  And she’s commited to it.  And that’s pretty perfect.  She still makes me really happy.  Spring in is full swing now.  We’re doing BBQs with friends a lot.  We host, since we have the big back yard.  It’s fun, and I love that the house is full of all the great energy of loving friends. And apparently I’m writing in small fragmented sentences tonight.  Awesome.

Hmm..what else.  Nothing, really, I guess.  Life goes by to quickly.  I’m feeling nostalgic tonight.  Missing everything and everyone.  But without regret.  Instead, with appreciation for what was, and how it molds into what I am and where I am today.  Grateful nostalgia.

The kids are at their dads this week, Amy went to bed 2 hours ago, and I’m up, not tired and cuddled with the cats.  I wish the kids were here.  I miss them when they arn’t.  It’s nice to have time by myself, or alone with Amy…but I miss them when they arn’t with me.  I think I’m lonely tonight.

Ohhhh…side note.  I just saw that I can post this to my facebook profile!  Wow..look at xanga go.  I’ve had this account SOOO long, and it’s gone through so much with me..I don’t think it’s something I need to broadcast to everyone of my friends.  But impressive none the less.

Ok.  I’m officially rambling.  Shocking, I know. 

I’ve been reading all your (all of you) entries tonight.  I kinda miss everyone.

Goodnight.

P.S.  Amy suprised me with tickets to Chris Pureka.  She’s one of my favorites, ever.  You should check her out.

Sometimes I feel the need to just write something down, in hopes that I can use it to remember (tease) my 8 year old daughter.

Last night, Amy and I were watching tv, getting ready to head to bed.  Emily runs in, doing her version of the ‘pee pee’ dance.  She doesn’t even look at us, and heads right to the tv.  Now, I’m kind of afraid she’s going to just pee right there.  She looked at our new couch, and I got a little nervous..so I asked what she was doing.  She said ” I’m putting on music so I can pee”  and starts turning the channel on the tv.  I couldn’t help it…I just busted out laughing.  She kind of woke up a little then, and laughed softly as she went into the bathroom.  I followed her in to make sure she was ok, but couldn’t help myself when I asked “do you want me to sing you a song, so you can pee?” 

Sometimes, I’m kind of mean.  But only in the funniest ways.

She doesn’t sleep walk often, but when she does it’s always funny.  James has had his fair share too..including one time when he almost peed on a dining room chair.  I think he got a little mixed up on where the toilet was…

Other than that, things are going amazing.  We have the kids every other week.  I was a little nervous on how it was going to work, but it really seems to be going well.  The kids love having all that time with both of us, and our parenting styles are similar enough, and our communication good enough, that it’s pretty seemless.

Amy and I are..well..perfect.  I’m so consistently happy it’s ridiculous.   We’re getting married.  Probably in June.  We had rings made, that are amazing too.  I’ll find a picture.  

Hope all is well with you.  And yours.

This ends my fragmented blog.

I have to tell you.  I love The Princess Bride.  LOVE it.  I know I’m one of a throng of people who adore it.  But still.  I really really love it.  I”ve watched it well over 100 times in my life.  It’s my comfort movie.  The movie I know by heart.  Word for word.  Line for line.  Last night, it played at Movies at the Mural at Seattle Center.  So we went with a bunch of people.  And I was so so happy.  I realized while sitting there, that part of my happiness was due to the movie (of course) and part of it was due to the great group of friends we have.  We all just click so well.  And I was looking at them, smiling..my girls arm around me and The Princess Bride playing on a chilly summer night…it was perfect.  I’m so so glad July is over, because the month was stocked full of stress and moving and overtime.  Now it’s unpacking.  Which is okay.  And August has started off in the best ways possible.

When Amy got home last night, before we rushed out to see the movie (and after I spent the afternoon at the spa..thank you corporate america!), she brought me a notebook, with cherry blossoms on the front.  She wrote on the inside of the cover…”I know you use those things called computers, but I thought that sometime in the next kajillion years, i may inspire you to take pen to paper, even if it’s for a grocery list, or for directions to said grocery store”.. (and then mushy stuff).  But really, it just struck me…how fucking sweet she is.  She knows it’s the little things.  Like notebooks, or wild flowers in one hand, and a beer in another as I pull into the driveway.  I’m lucky.  And I won’t take that for granted.  Promise.

Now I have to try to work.  Only bad side, these shoes are killing me, and it’s only 9am.  Bright side, I can take them off under my desk!

Hope everything in your world is exactly how you want it to be, or close.

First…Autmn.  I’m a sucky friend.  I’m sorry I didn’t call you back.  My mom was in town, and we were moving, and it was insane.  INSANE.  It still is, but less now.  August 1st, I’ll be done with the apartment, and able to start our Tuesdays or Wednesdays again.  And I want to make you Lubea (or however you spell it) because it’s yummy.

Okay..so.  Moving. Sucks.  We decided to NOT uhaul it.  Because it was just too…cliche.  So instead, we borrowed a truck to get all the big stuff over to the house.  And then we just boxed everything else up.  P.S.  I have a lot of shit.  I mean, a LOT.  I threw away so much, gave away even more.  Including my couches, TV, EVERYTHING.  It is freeing somehow.  Scary, though.  I mean, I worked really *really* hard to create a home for my kids and myself.  And now I’m starting over, with someone else.  When I was with Rachel..she “lived” with me, but all her stuff was still at her place in Seattle.  So it wasn’t a huge adjustment for me.  But moving in with someone, with the kids, all our stuff, everything…is a big ass deal.  And it’s a lot of work.  Our living room looks like a bomb went off with all the boxes.  But the kids rooms look rad. We gave them the two big rooms upstairs, and took the small room downstairs, so they’d have a whole floor to themselves.  They love it. LOVE it.  And so do I.  I’ll love it more when we’re all settled, and things are in their places…but I love it none the less.  Amy works so hard at reassuring me that this is the right move.  At reminding me she’s ‘all in’.  That this is for real, and for keeps.  I’m really lucky.  I feel really lucky.  And that’s nice.

And it looks like I may get a promotion.  To a lease up property in Seattle.  Big deal.  More money.  Career advancement.  Doesn’t suck.  All these amazing changes…weight loss, amazing girl, promotion..I’m not sure what to do with all this good fortune.  It makes me a little scared.  And a lot anxious.  I heart xanax sometimes, let me tell you.

That being said, I’m still in love with my life.  It’s quiet at work today, and I spent last night in Tacoma with some great people.  (Even though Tacoma gay bars are weird).  I do wish I was at home right now, still asleep…but I guess I can’t have it all.

I hope everyone who randomly reads this is well. 

Love love.

Here’s a recentish picture of all of us.

I heart Pride.

I heart being queer.

I heart having a house in the middle of Seattle, and having 6 friends just ‘show up’ to hang out and drink beer before heading out to kick off Pride weekend.  Good friends.  Amazing people.

I heart having a girlfriend who is proud of me.  Who loves our friends, and our life, and to play with my hair…no matter where we are.  And who makes my heart thump hard every time she even just holds my hand.

I heart new puppies, and old dogs, and kisses from both.

I heart my kids, and the excitement i see in their eyes every day.  Every day.

I heart my life.  I fucking HEART my life right now.  Maybe I’m feeling manic today, because I’m *so* happy.  But I’ll take it.  Because it’s better than leaving it, right?

The end.

So, I’m around.  FINALLY. 

I lost my password.  I couldn’t find the email account this site was linked to.  Xanga support was helpful.  So…I now have access to my journal again! YAY!

Where have I been?  Well, I took a dating hiatus, from the end of January (where, of course I ran from the last girl, because she freaked me out)…I decided I needed to stop hiding, and deal with me.  I worked out almost every day, and lost 40ish pounds.  I found out I like who I am, and did a lot of self healing. 

I had made the decision that I wouldn’t date until April 1st.  I turned people down..I was adement i wouldn’t date until April. 

I met a lot of great people.  A lot of amazing friends, who I am so lucky to have in my life. 

And come April I started dating.  I kind of went on a two week spree…having two dates in one night, etc.  But one of the girls..I’d had my eye on.  she’s beautiful, but I loved her laugh.  And her humor.  So, we started dating…and it got serious pretty fast.  I was that girl..the one who told her I loved her after 2 weeks, because nothing could be more true.  She wears a uniform.  She carries a gun.  She is hot, and tough, and soft.  She is contradiction.  And i fucking love it.

We’re now in the middleish of June…and I’m going to be moving in with her.  (yeah, uhaul, blah blah)  We’re both so excited.  Just when we think it couldn’t get any better, it does.  She’s positive.  She’s motivated.  She loves me for all my quirks, and thinks they’re cute and endearing.  She adores my kids, and is a better parent than I am sometimes.  The kids love her.  They love the house, with the backyard, and the big bedrooms they get to claim.

Life, doesn’t suck if you open yourself up to it.

I’m scared of course.  Way scared.  I’ve made a life here.  I’m independent.  I’ve lived and worked at this property for 3 years..given the kids the stability, etc. So this is a big step.  But it feels right.  So i’m going to just hold on and jump.

And now I need to go to the gym, then keep going through stuff.  Autmn….want anything?  Couches, tv stand, dinning table?  Let me know…

Love love x a million.

j

So..still writing!

Maybe I’m a little freaked out again about the girl thing.  I really like her.  A lot.  But she scared me last night.  Because she said the L word.  And not the tv show.  And I just looked at her.  Because holy shit.  I’m not prepared for that.  Ever.  Color me bitter, color me jaded…just don’t color me commited.  yikes.

(p.s.  yes, Autmn, I know I sound like a jerk right there, but you know what I mean..)

So..writing.  new one.  I kind of like it.  But I don’t wanna hear any rainbow jokes..got it? 

Smeared Rainbow

Midnight eats dawn in the early hours of lonely,
Swallowed dreams, dust clung to ruby throat.
Shifts slightly- With ease, into nightmares, sharp and tender.

Air is a whispered memory, choked down cold
Between fast paced years, and faster draws.
Slaughtering the patched-worked clock
Checked in quarters, to force feed
Tinkling shards of idealic human will.

I suck on the seconds, writhe in the eclipsed moments,
While barren limbs overlap minutes and lines.
Yet, there are times
When breath breaks the barriers
Of silent kaleidoscope screams
Ridden in unaccounted, slick color.

And I suffocate on rainbows.
Wallowing, unintentionally
As they python around my swollen pulse.
Blurred smear of paint squeezed down
Half hazard/full scale wounds
Where reach embraces orphaned need
With a shuddered, tasteless sigh
Before the flinch and sprint (vs. fight and flight)-
Leaving only a stained glass shadow
Where my open arms used to be.

It has been a while, huh?

Geez.  Maybe i’ve been busy (a lot).  And I’ve been writing on and off, which really helps with the ‘needing to get stuff out’.  I’ve been going out on the weekends.  I’ve been meeting some really cool people.  The kind of people you want in your life, because you know they are suppose to be there.

And I met a girl.  Her name is Jess.  And she’s amazing.  Like….really really amazing.  And it scares the shit out of me.  She thinks i’m amazing, too.  A lot.  It’s interesting.

And frightening.  Because, I’m sure eventually she’ll realize what a jerk I am, and run screaming in the opposite direction.

But..I’m having a lot of fun.  And learning a lot.  And laughing a lot.  I kind of forgot what that was like.  So I’m enjoying it. 

I’m also trying super hard to keep a balance between dating, and keeping my close relationships with my friends.  It’s been good so far…we’ll see.

And…a poem.  I’ll try to make it the only mushy one I do.  Because after I wrote it, I threw up in my mouth a little

She, as a River

She flows as the perfect form. 

Pliant and rough.  Kitten-soft and razor spliced.

Her contradictions play at my mind,

As her teeth nibble-graze at my stash of melancholy.

Teasing me, in abstract certainty before turning a circle

And going in for the kill

(where, as prey I flee only far enough to be caught)

And I can’t find a way to wrap

Around the contours of her smile tight enough.

To stomach her laugh, to chew on her words.

Her secrets fit snuggly,

Burning amber and willing underneath my tongue

Safe and snug

For all things unsaid to be swallowed in startled gasps

And gasp… I do, as her eyes look into mine

As I’m sure, at this moment (and maybe the next)

That no one has seen this distance before.

Discovery is an untamed thing,

Wild and unforgiving in the forge.

 I am left worn, in abstained tatter.

Tangled in limbs, and carefully placed confessions

Fluid in collide

Where, she becomes the star pupil

On all the many diverse and abundant ways

To sparkle-shine under my skin

Glowing bright and sharp in

Varying degrees of night/day contrasts

Reminding me that time, has boundaries

Save for the borders kept for crossing.

As she flows, in perfect form

And I drown in both depth and elevation
Free floating in the current we create

I guess when I start writing again, I really start writing.  Make that 5 pieces (not all good..or even close) in a week.  Not too bad.
I wasn’t going to post this…because it’s pretty personal.  But I posted it at a poetry site I am a member of…and it got REALLY good feedback.  So maybe it’s just that I thought it kinda sucked.  But whatever.

The Magnitude of Nostalgia

I asked her to remember me, in the way that
A favorite song would bring back the soft bite of nostalgia

I could see the pain in her half moon eyes
But could not discover the origins
(A cripple of heart, cannot read its own reflection)
I begged her not to turn, but to face, head on
The storm careening its way
Into our ever fading horizon
Reminding her, how she opened to me once
Before packing her smile and sealing
Our fate

And in those moments spread
I graffiti’d her silhouette
With works of love,
And placed marks upon
The stretches of skin I coveted most
Branding her, in contour and crevice
Something deeper than the darkness
I tasted

And in the morning, after I had
Grown tired of pushing down the sun,
She placed her thread bare fingers upon
The petal of my lips
And whispered how my love
Was too much for her
Bitter heart to bear

“See” she said “I have always loved
That you are a poet, but soon
You will write me beautiful, and gone.
And I hope you can scribe
Of the ache you feel, when our
Bodies no longer carve the valleys of this bed.
Or how it will resonate, when you reach for a
Memory in the middle of the night, only to
Find a shadow of my scent in its place”

I shook my head as the wind blew
Her sorrow with the gale of its force,
Until I found myself alone
With parchment and ink
Unable to speak of the way
She moved my entire existence
With the magnitude of her exit

I asked her to remember me, in the way
One remembers the feel of waning arch,
Against the waxing crave
Of what once was

And i’m off to our company Christmas Party.  Yay. (not really)  Hope everyone is doing well!

xo

Jen