June 20, 2004

  • Searching for Myself Amongst the Chaos.



     


    I've found, the last few days...I've lost site of Me.  What I want...when I want it.  Who.  What.  When.  Where.  Why.
    My life...my heart, has been in utter chaos.  And I feel myself turning inward, to find the answers to these questions.
    On Friday, my heart skipped a beat..and then fell, crashing to the floor.  But on Friday evening..I found relief.
    I found friends..who are there for me constantly.  We went swimming, then had a BBQ.  After our meal, we all sat around.  My friend got out his guitar, and his father got out his Mandolin..(sp?)..and they started playing.  Old songs, new songs.  His fathers voice pure and true.  And I sat outside, with James content on my lap, and Emily ( for once) quiet..listening intently.  I laid my head back, looking up at the way the trees moved gently in the breeze, opening myself..letting myself feel.  It was magical.  Them playing, the warm day, the clear sky.  Music and laughter eased my chaos that day.
    But reality strikes again.  And I wonder...who am I really?  I know this is a question I'll never have a complete answer to.  I know I'll forever be seeking, and learning, and growing.  And I'm grateful for that.  But I would like some long term relief for the chaos that is constant.  And I know, that only I can do that.  So I guess it's time to figure out how...


    Anyway...on to the next.  Emily had her ballet recital yesterday.  Can I just say..she was of course, the most beautiful and talented one there?   I may be a 'little' prejudice..but hey, she's my girl.  I was so proud of how well she did.  I'll post pictures when we download them. 


    Oh, and HAPPY FATHERS DAY!   To the few men with children who read me. 


    I think that's all for now...
    I have to go clean, and grocery shop, and get a picnic together for today.
    Hope you all have a great Sunday!
    xoxo

    Jen


    Okay..instead of checking my email every farging second..I'm going to make a list.  Here we go...


    * Complete Resume.
    *  Print it.  Make it look Rockin'.
    *  Erase my memory
    *  Make a list of places I will want to work, along with numbers
    *  Call first thing in the morning.
    *  Stop obsessing about things I can't control.
    *  Clean my damn house.
    *  Hug my kids.
    *  Realize I'm only as good as I think I am..not as good as anyone else thinks I am.
    *  Be true to myself.  Not always my heart.  It tends to mess me up.
    *  Remember the humor in my life.
    *  Laugh.  A lot.  About anything and everything I can.
    *  Play outside. 
    *  Live life here...instead of wishing I was there.
    *  Take a cool bath..and pamper myself.  Shave my legs, lotion up..paint my nails..
    *  Mend myself, instead of wanting someone to do it for me.
    *  Love myself.  Completely.


    Okay...well...I guess that's that.  I'm going to go finish polishing my Resume now.

Comments (18)

  • I absolutely luuuuuuuuuve your Xanga home here. I love sensual people and  you have great style!

  • Hi sweetie....sorry I was offline from having bad storms passing through the past two days but I wrote you and gave you my other (direct) email addy today.....and that's all I will say here.  I bet Emily rocked the house....I can't wait to see pics! ((((((((J)))))))) Kira

  • Sounds like a relaxing time at the BBQ, I love those kind of times, I think I forget to stop and soak them in as much as I should. Thanks for the reminder. How fun, a recital, I bet the pics will be adorable!

  • It makes me so happy to see your priority list based on finding your own happiness.  It's so important and it's been SO hard  to watch you neglect  your self and give all your power away.  Now, you are taking your power back and directing it inward and I just can't ask for anything more.  Your growing and changing so fast, it's beautiful.  I'm so glad that we are in each others lives as I feel as though we constantly flow in the same ever changing direction and it's just good to have a hand to hold on this spectacular journey.  I love you Jen.  If you loved you as much as I loved you, you'd realize your complete and total perfection.

  • you have some good things on that list
    keep thinking like taht and put one foot in front of the other

    t

  • What kind of job are you looking for?  I'm envious!!! 

  • Rachel...My love for you is overflowing at times...thank you so much for being who you are to me...You humble me at time...You're one of my 5, baby.

    Leafy...I'm looking for a job that I'll enjoy and will pay the bills....lol...that's about how far I've gotten so far!

    Kira...I love you.  Thank you.  Thank you for the email, and the perspective.  You are a treasure to me.

    And Lord T....Yes, one foot in front of the other...is there any other way? 

    Thank you all...xoxo

  • I'm so glad you had that time out in nature to enjoy and be in the presense of Nature. It's amazing the introspection that can occur there.

    Your list looks wonderful and I'm rooting for you. You can do everything on that list. I know you can. Keep your chin up hon you'll make it.

  • hey don't know if you read, but my email went belly up so if you could re email me your phone number, we can finally replan getting together.
    it autmn_tooley@hotmail.com

    lots of luck on the job hunt too :)

  • So glad to see you feeling more like yourself!  Yey happy thoughts!!!

  • excellant list

  • And always remember to put yourself on the list.  I still keep forgetting to do that myself! Love ya, Kira

  • It's funny how many times you mention the word chaos. I use that term to (very accurately) describe my twenties. I'll be thirty this August and I'm really hoping that my 30's will be a little less chaotic. I'm getting to a point where I'm really defining myself and it's a good feeling.

    It seems as though you've got some really wonderful friends help you through these chaotic times.

    Keep on on'in, sister. We'll all figure it out one day.

  • I agree with Leomother....a coincidence I'm a leo mother.

    Great pic at the top there

    Good list

  • ((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))) Sometimes its hard and we have to look for contentment in the smallest of things and places sweetie. You will get there.

  • i found your sight through another sister who recently have been my lively hood--i'm glad i did--it is very well done--hon when you are a mom u tend to loose who you are for--first you are a mother--to connect with the wind spirits and mther natue is on the right path to learning about who you are inside--i find nature has alot to say as long as you take the time to listen--i love the list you made--i see you are on the right track--in my 30's is when i started searching too--it just seems to be the time i guess--but i think it continues throughout our lifes--lol--blessed be Je_Soceress

  • I love lists, usually have multi ones sitting on my desk, and on my puter. your lists is inspiring though. :)   

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