~My Quest~
IT seems my whole life, I’ve been on a quest. The quest for True Love. Someone who will love me completely. With every fiber of their being. Someone who will accept me for who I am..who will complete every facet of my life.
I’ve found it. A couple of times. But it was never enough.
Because there is another Quest I’ve been on. The Quest for true passion. Passion is something that I need in life. It’s something I breath. Not just sexual passion…but the passion of appreciation. The joy in the little things. The ‘Christmas Morning’ feeling. You all know what I’m talking about. It’s Christmas Eve night…and all the house is asleep..except for you. You can’t sleep. Because the anticipation of Christmas morning…the anticipation of ‘the day’..keeps your brain from resting.
This is how I feel about many things. Be it events..people, places. I get that ‘Christmas Morning’ feel.
I look at Sunsets..and they take my breath. I look up at tall buildings in the city, and marvel at the knowledge and skill that makes them. I stand in a forest, and am completely overwhelmed by the magnitude that makes up our world. At night, I look up at the stars..and the moon…and feel so small..so insignificant..but at the same time, I feel like part of something..something so big, there is no way I’ll ever comprehend it.
When I look at someone..someone I know, someone I care deeply for, I see so much. I see compassion, kindness, grief, joy…I see what they are feeling. I also see the little things. I see the way their hair falls, I see the way they rest their chin on their hands…or the way they smile. I see a stray freckle..the different colors in their eyes…The way they walk..or talk..or breath. And again, I’m awestruck. By the sheer beauty of humans. The sheer complexity that makes them who they are. Individual. Perfect in their own way. And part of what makes humans perfect to me, is the rise and fall. The triumphs, and defeats. The mistakes. The constant struggle for their own way..to find what is ‘right’ in their life. The give and take that makes us grieve, and weep, and dance, and sing. This is all amazing to me. It’s not just amazing, it’s phenomenal.
My Quest. Is it for a soul mate? I don’t think so. Not really. I believe there are numerous soul mates for every person. Someone, rather male or female that you connect with, in a way that’s extraordinary. I’ve had this…I HAVE this..and it’s amazing.
What I want, is someone who sees life like I do. Who lives it, breaths it, tastes it, feels it. Someone who can look at a tree, and see what I do. Someone who can look at a child playing, and see the innocence the complete rightness that I do. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want to share that…for someone to feel life like I do? I don’t know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like that.
A friend once said to me..that when they stood on the beach, right by the water, they were hit by the magnitude. They were standing on the edge of the continent. They were standing on the edge of our world. This struck me..because it’s not something I ever considered. The magnitude of it all. This is what I’m talking about.
I wonder, though, if I appreciate too much. Do I scare people with my passion for life? Do I overwhelm with my appreciation? With my child-like joy of all things? I wonder if people think me nieve..or ‘ditzy’ because I can’t take things in stride…I do stop and smell the roses..or the lavender..or whatever. I have to. That’s why they are planted, right? To enjoy, to appreciate. Although it’s a question I’ve considered, it’s one I really don’t want to know. I am who I am…and I’m really starting to like me.
Two months ago…Three months ago..I had gotten to the point..where although I still felt I appreciated people, places, things…it had all become mundane. Like I was looking through the fog, through a dirty lens. The world was still beautiful to me…but it wasn't as bright, as clear. And then..when I awoke…I found that the world was still here..and I was the one who had stopped..had stopped really looking.
My Quest. I think, my quest is to always, always, no matter where, when, who or what… keep my lenses clean. Keep the fog away..and always see life as I do right now. Beautiful, even full of imperfections. Beautiful, even full of pain, and anger. Beautiful, even with the dark shadows.
My Quest is to be true to myself, my children, and those I love. My Quest is to be who I am, always, and embrace that. I beleive people change. They evolve. Life forever changes, as do the people within it. Someone said to me the other day, that they didn’t really even know who they were. I don’t think any of us really know who we are. All we can do, is be true to our hearts, our souls, while at the same time being true to those around us..our children, our grown-up responsibilities. And all the while, embracing our feelings, our emotions, our ‘ebbs and flows’.
My Quest is to not hold back. ( some of you will think I'm doing a good job of this..lol) Not hold back on my feelings, my love, my joy. To not edit myself. I realized today, that I don't tell people I love them enough. I realized recently that I try to hold back my love..for fear..for fear of being hurt, or vulnerable. For fear of putting myself out there. My Quest is I will not only love completely, I will accept, and appriciate that love. The fact that I can feel it so deeply..for friends, for family. That, too, I think is a gift. It's a double edged sword, yes...but a gift none the less..and one that I will covet, and cherish for what it is. And if that love, in whatever form, is not received by a friend, or family..then that will be their loss...but I will not stop giving it. This is my Quest.
I think everyones Quest is different..and I beleive, it, too changes with our lives, with our situations. My question is this...what is your Quest?
*whew*
Can you tell I haven’t blogged in awhile? Yeah, okay, so I’ve been sick. Like SICK. I somehow..I’m sure through some snot-nosed brat, received strep throat. And it sucked. It was pergatory. Thank the Gods for Mike, who took the kids away, so I could sleep. And for my friends, who although over the phone, or through email, ‘babied’ me as much as possible. And it really is the thought that counts.
So I’m hopeing to catch up on all of you today, and tomorrow…but I have to do laundry, too. YUCK. I need a maid. ( And they should be cute!!)
Hope you all had a great weekend…
Xoxo
Me
Recent Comments