June 3, 2004

  • My Hero



     


    Isn't it interesting when someone can ask a simple question and it sets you off?  It makes you think...dig deeper than the surface..and really see what is behind your doors.  Your closet doors.  Locked for a long time...key thrown away...


    That happened to me today.


    I was emailing back and forth with a friend.  He asked me what I'm sure he thought was a very simple question.
                                                                              Do you have a favorite Hero??


    I thought on this awhile.  I wanted to give him an honest answer.  I thought of Superman.  Of Zorro...of The Man in Black..( Wesley, From the Princess Bride).  None of these defined what I have in my mind as a hero.  So he got a lot more than he bargained for...a lot more...He got one of my blogs...( Poor guy)..This is what I said..( I will be in Purple..he will be in hmmm...blue..yeah...)


    I  guess, growing up, I would have to say my favorite hero changed weekly.
     It may have been the newest heart-throb from the magazines...or the hero
    in my favorite movie.  But a real Hero?  I don't think I've ever had one.
     Sure, I loved Superman...I loved Zorro...Of course, Wesley...but I never
    thought of one of them as my hero.

    And it's something, even now, I think about.  Even though I'm a grown
    women...who is learning that the only hero in her life can be herself...
    the little girl inside me still longs for a Hero.  Someone to be my
    Champion.  To stand tall with and for me.  To slay dragons, to shield me
    from all that is hurtful in life.  To take care of me.  Someone stronger
    than I, to lean against, to be leaned on.

    This has been something I've always longed for.  Even after I came to the
    realization that it doesn't exist.  My dad never was my hero.  He never
    stood up for me when my step mom was yelling, and berating me...or slapping
    me.  My Mom never stood up for me when one of her boyfriends would put me
    down...or come on to me.  And even Mike, for all that he is a stand up
    guy...has never stood up for me.  Or stood beside me.  He has always played
    the devils advocate, to the point where I felt he was on the other side.
     We went to visit my Dad after we got married.  My dad was trying to tell
    me how to be the 'good wife'...telling me to 'get him a beer'  asking Mike
    to go 'for a drive' with him...( even though I hadn't really spent time
    with my dad in years, he's inviting Mike, instead of me, or us.)  I
    remember crying so hard at night...and Mike just saying he was sorry...but
    not doing anything to try to fix it...even though he knew I was powerless
    to fix it myself, given the baggage, and lack of emotional strength with my
    father.  He did nothing.  Not a "Hey Marty, why don't you take Jen
    instead?"  Not a "Hey, I love her just like she is.."  Nothing.  And this
    goes on...when his mom attacked me over deciding not to go to a wedding,
    because I needed to go see my grandmother..( who died 2 weeks later).  All
    he said was be nicer next time.  Although, at James party..he did tell her
    to stop ignoring me...so that was something, right? Like I said, he's a good guy.

    So yeah, maybe I'm bitter about these things.  It's hurtful baggage that
    must be sifted through and dealt with.  And it makes me sad.  Not feeling as
    though I have a hero.  But really, I need to be my hero, right?

    But still, it's hard to let go...to let go of that girlish dream of
    romance...of Wesley coming to rescue me.." Come now..I will always come for
    you"....Of a Dragon Slayer..a Sword Wielder..yet romantic, and tender...

    But, here we are...in the real world...where I am a strong women...who
    needs to not dream of such things...
    And who should be finishing her resume..


    Wow..yeah, that just kind of spilled out there...okay.  I guess I'll really have something to talk about in my next counseling session, eh?  This is the response I got from him..


    You are a strong woman. But can you be your own hero? No, I don't think so.
    That doesn't mean you aren't strong. You can't give up the dream... it's
    the hero that inspires us to greatness. But heroes have bad days, angry
    moments, weaknesses. Even super heroes cry and bleed. It's not the strength
    but the determination to defeat the odds that make them heroes. To stop
    recognizing them as heroes denies their moments of greatness.
    Seriously, let the little girl
    dream. She does need heroes; if she stops dreaming of them how can she
    recognize a hero when s/he comes along? You need a hero ... just not a
    rescuer. There's a difference. You are smart enough and strong enough that
    you won't need to be rescued... but you'll always need a hero.


    Pretty cool, huh?  Yeah, I thought so.  It actually made me cry.  I thought it was pretty profound.  And then I made dinner.  And I kept thinking about it.  About why I felt the way I did.  Isn't that what all this transitioning, and trying to find yourself is about?  It's about the WHY.  I thought..and thought some more...then sent this email...


    Okay...so...
        Yes, I defiantly agree that having a hero is a good thing...
        But wanting one, and not finding one...in never having one...that is
        another.
        It makes one wish...it makes one want....and those are the things that
      are harder to deal with.  Much easier to just be what you can to yourself...and
        only yourself, rather than wishing, hoping for something that hasn't come
        true...( Yes, this is the little girl speaking..).. I've always, always,
        felt that I'm not worth it.  That's why my Mom, or my Dad, or any of my
        boyfriends, or Mike, hasn't really stood up for me.  Hasn't been my
        Champion.  Because I haven't been worth it to them.  They haven't felt that
        blind loyalty...the kind I so easily give..( and probably shouldn't..but
        that's who I am...)  The kind that makes you think.."  you are who you
        are...to me..I will stand tall beside
        you...blahblahblah"  You get my point.
        So that, in my little girl heart...is how I've always felt.  I'm not  worth
        it.  I'm not worth the fight...the confrontation...the words...the
        actions..I'm not worth Slaying a Dragon...or Wielding a Sword.
        And here I am...still...giving and giving and giving...that blind
        loyalty....still feeling less than worthy of love    .



    It's interesting how things just come up.  How I see now, what I've been doing for years.  Looking searching for my Dragon Slayer.  Do I need to be my own hero?  Sure I do.  But a cheerleader of my own would be pretty cool, too..you know?


    This isn't an unhappy blog, because honestly, I feel really good right now.  It's been a good day..and having this opened to me..one more load of crap out of the closet so to speak...And although I need to deal with it...at least it's getting dealt with...make sense?


    Hope you have a great, great Wednesday!


    xoxoxo

    Jen


     

Comments (12)

  • I'm glad you broke the truce yesterday...

    You are worth it.  You have always been worth it.  You bring out love in people that is unseen elsewhere.  You (just by being yourself) make people want to be near you.  You are everything you believe in, you just have a hard time seeing it because you haven't found a mirror to look into.

    I meant what I said about the things you don't know and I'm sorry for the things I never told you.

  • I agree with your friend....let the dreamer live on! It is the one thing no one can take away from us. Hugs!!!

  • You have to be your own hero, but you definitely need one besides yourself to count on.  My husband doesn't often speak out confrontationally for me, but he supports me in whatever I decide to do, without making excuses for my behavior. 

  • I believe that you have to be your own hero before the hero outside of yourself can come along. Like attracts like. If you believe in yourself, than the world will believe in you too. You said you've been the cheer leader to your hero and I feel like you've also been a cheerleader for those around you. (Thank God, 'cause that cheerleader is extremely inspiring, motivating, uplifting, etc. ... ) Be the hero and heroism will surround you.

  • ok i am in trouble here. as this blog hits really close to home. (as you have read) i have dreamed, of being a moderen day knight, a hero, and so much more.

    you got into my head with this one....
    more then i really have words for at this moment.

    yes you must be a hero to yourself
    yes you must let yourself dream

    this was well written

    t

  • Wow... it is pretty amazing the things that can get us to thinking, I'm really glad that you got this out in the open and were able to look at it and think on it.

    Peace & Snugs...

  • Well girlie it's like watching growth at "supernatural speed."  It's very cool though. I completely relate to having no hero growing up.  My dad was completely inconsistent in my life and my mother is truly psycho.  The closest I came was my ex who was close, but in a not so good way because I was "his woman."  It was kind of nice to have the swept up type feel, but it was totally unhealthy in every day real life.

    My husband isn't that type of person either.  So, yeah, I know where you're at on this.  Of course the knight in shining armor is such a wonderful idea.  ::sigh::

    But you know what, you ARE worth it.  Period.  Don't let yourself tell you otherwise.  I truly believe that little girls who don't have fathers to count on believe that they aren't worth it.  It's very very hard to get out of that, I am fighting it with my business stuff (who's really going to give me money to do this!) to give you one example out of many.

    The worst part is that while we hide in our own private hell thinking we aren't worth a dime, everyone in our world thinks exactly the opposite.  Remember that.

    'nuff said. 

    Love

    me

  • But wanting one, and not finding one...in never having one 

    Yeah, I know this.  I love my dad now but he was never an easy man to love when I was a child and I never had a hero myself. And I miss that.

  • This really is beautiful, Jen.  And so odd to read, since I've been going 'round and 'round with myself lately too about my heartaching need for a hero, trying to get it straight in my head whether it's a real human longing or just a made-up not-true something I've been fed through movies and fairy tales... I figure if it hurts this much it must be real.

  • WOW, JEN ! you are doing such fantastic work INSIDE your gut and head and BEING.  What a woman you are... growing with such strength and insight and honesty... speaking out from whatever you are feeling in the moment and letting it be.

    I'm happy for your searching, hungry spirit that possesses such exuberance for life and truth!  In addition to it being a wonderful bearer of fruit that will fill your life, it will bless the development and well-being of your children and everyone around you.

  • Hey, just read in  purple14 that you've got strep. So sorry to hear that, I hope you recover soon.

    Feel better

    Dart

  • I need a hero.........

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