June 6, 2004
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~My Quest~
IT seems my whole life, I’ve been on a quest. The quest for True Love. Someone who will love me completely. With every fiber of their being. Someone who will accept me for who I am..who will complete every facet of my life.
I’ve found it. A couple of times. But it was never enough.
Because there is another Quest I’ve been on. The Quest for true passion. Passion is something that I need in life. It’s something I breath. Not just sexual passion…but the passion of appreciation. The joy in the little things. The ‘Christmas Morning’ feeling. You all know what I’m talking about. It’s Christmas Eve night…and all the house is asleep..except for you. You can’t sleep. Because the anticipation of Christmas morning…the anticipation of ‘the day’..keeps your brain from resting.
This is how I feel about many things. Be it events..people, places. I get that ‘Christmas Morning’ feel.
I look at Sunsets..and they take my breath. I look up at tall buildings in the city, and marvel at the knowledge and skill that makes them. I stand in a forest, and am completely overwhelmed by the magnitude that makes up our world. At night, I look up at the stars..and the moon…and feel so small..so insignificant..but at the same time, I feel like part of something..something so big, there is no way I’ll ever comprehend it.
When I look at someone..someone I know, someone I care deeply for, I see so much. I see compassion, kindness, grief, joy…I see what they are feeling. I also see the little things. I see the way their hair falls, I see the way they rest their chin on their hands…or the way they smile. I see a stray freckle..the different colors in their eyes…The way they walk..or talk..or breath. And again, I’m awestruck. By the sheer beauty of humans. The sheer complexity that makes them who they are. Individual. Perfect in their own way. And part of what makes humans perfect to me, is the rise and fall. The triumphs, and defeats. The mistakes. The constant struggle for their own way..to find what is ‘right’ in their life. The give and take that makes us grieve, and weep, and dance, and sing. This is all amazing to me. It’s not just amazing, it’s phenomenal.
My Quest. Is it for a soul mate? I don’t think so. Not really. I believe there are numerous soul mates for every person. Someone, rather male or female that you connect with, in a way that’s extraordinary. I’ve had this…I HAVE this..and it’s amazing.
What I want, is someone who sees life like I do. Who lives it, breaths it, tastes it, feels it. Someone who can look at a tree, and see what I do. Someone who can look at a child playing, and see the innocence the complete rightness that I do. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want to share that…for someone to feel life like I do? I don’t know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like that.
A friend once said to me..that when they stood on the beach, right by the water, they were hit by the magnitude. They were standing on the edge of the continent. They were standing on the edge of our world. This struck me..because it’s not something I ever considered. The magnitude of it all. This is what I’m talking about.
I wonder, though, if I appreciate too much. Do I scare people with my passion for life? Do I overwhelm with my appreciation? With my child-like joy of all things? I wonder if people think me nieve..or ‘ditzy’ because I can’t take things in stride…I do stop and smell the roses..or the lavender..or whatever. I have to. That’s why they are planted, right? To enjoy, to appreciate. Although it’s a question I’ve considered, it’s one I really don’t want to know. I am who I am…and I’m really starting to like me.
Two months ago…Three months ago..I had gotten to the point..where although I still felt I appreciated people, places, things…it had all become mundane. Like I was looking through the fog, through a dirty lens. The world was still beautiful to me…but it wasn't as bright, as clear. And then..when I awoke…I found that the world was still here..and I was the one who had stopped..had stopped really looking.
My Quest. I think, my quest is to always, always, no matter where, when, who or what… keep my lenses clean. Keep the fog away..and always see life as I do right now. Beautiful, even full of imperfections. Beautiful, even full of pain, and anger. Beautiful, even with the dark shadows.
My Quest is to be true to myself, my children, and those I love. My Quest is to be who I am, always, and embrace that. I beleive people change. They evolve. Life forever changes, as do the people within it. Someone said to me the other day, that they didn’t really even know who they were. I don’t think any of us really know who we are. All we can do, is be true to our hearts, our souls, while at the same time being true to those around us..our children, our grown-up responsibilities. And all the while, embracing our feelings, our emotions, our ‘ebbs and flows’.
My Quest is to not hold back. ( some of you will think I'm doing a good job of this..lol) Not hold back on my feelings, my love, my joy. To not edit myself. I realized today, that I don't tell people I love them enough. I realized recently that I try to hold back my love..for fear..for fear of being hurt, or vulnerable. For fear of putting myself out there. My Quest is I will not only love completely, I will accept, and appriciate that love. The fact that I can feel it so deeply..for friends, for family. That, too, I think is a gift. It's a double edged sword, yes...but a gift none the less..and one that I will covet, and cherish for what it is. And if that love, in whatever form, is not received by a friend, or family..then that will be their loss...but I will not stop giving it. This is my Quest.
I think everyones Quest is different..and I beleive, it, too changes with our lives, with our situations. My question is this...what is your Quest?
*whew*
Can you tell I haven’t blogged in awhile? Yeah, okay, so I’ve been sick. Like SICK. I somehow..I’m sure through some snot-nosed brat, received strep throat. And it sucked. It was pergatory. Thank the Gods for Mike, who took the kids away, so I could sleep. And for my friends, who although over the phone, or through email, ‘babied’ me as much as possible. And it really is the thought that counts.
So I’m hopeing to catch up on all of you today, and tomorrow…but I have to do laundry, too. YUCK. I need a maid. ( And they should be cute!!)
Hope you all had a great weekend…
Xoxo
Me
Comments (21)
You done some amazing writing here. I don't believe in soul mates either, I think that a relationship is what you make it and that showing and learning are as important as connecting with someone who is just like you. I enjoy the discovery of the different point of view.
(Glad you're feeling better and ALL my sympathy on the laundry.)
That's a beautiful blog. Thank you for your comment. I am just hoping these threats are a prank, that someone just wants to see me twisted up knots. There are some weird women who've flamed me who would enjoy that. But I have to take them seriously, cos they were against my child too.
Right now, I just want someone who accepts me for me and has a lot of passion, a great deal of passion, more than that, in bed (and can afford a maid, I don't care about the cute, just do the cleaning!)
lady j
this is simply beautiful
i will try to tell you about my quest someday.
i am glad that you better
t
Quest on my love! I do believe, that you and I quest together for all the same reasons...
sail on.. sail on!!!
http://launch.yahoo.com/launchcast/station.asp?u=1273696955
I feel your pain! I hate being sick. I am glad to hear you got some rest though. Drink lots of juice, too.
Want to come and do my laundry? I don't know how I went through so many clothes in just 6 days, but my laundry basket is over-flowing.
Hey, if you get a maid, a cute one at that, order me one, too, ok.
Take care and I hope you had a great weekend! (v)
My quest? hmm. There's so many to choose from. My main purpose in life is to be me and to be me well so that my kids will have the confidence and assurance to be themselves. Sounds simple but yet it isn't.
I hope you are feeling better. Gotta love kids for gettin' ya sick. Love it even more when they go to school and that first year hell.
Take care. Thanks for being my cheerleader.
Very nicely written... very passionate.
Take care of yourself ... even if the laundry has to wait an hour or two!
Ahhh... much of my own quest is to find for myself the passion you have. I do understand what you mean by wanting connection with people who share what you see. As far as your ability to find joy in so much, I don't think you naive or ditzy at all. I really would love to have that gift myself. And while it's hard, I do wish I also had your ability to experience things so deeply, even with the difficulty it seems to give you. I am glad to see things are getting better though. Much of what you have written in this blog has a zen feel to it, the ability to feel deeply, to see beauty and imperfections in life and the world and to love them both so much is a real gift in the Buddhist sense.
About your note on my last entry: I did think of taking him aside and talking about it. But I had no idea how he would act. Like I said, we know each other from work but not anything more. Also, my friend pointed out I had a legal and really, a moral responsibility to tell my supervisor. If something happens after I've talked to him (the temp) about it, I have acknowledged it and can be held responsible, legally. And when you're hired on to a place you agree with the rules and a certain amount of trust is placed in you. I thought about how if I were in my supervisors place and found out someone hadn't told me something this important, I would really be angry and have very little trust in the person who didnt' tell me. And frankly, I'm really to low in the organization to make the decision whether or not to tell my superior.
I know that sounds lame but it's what I've come to after thinking about it all weekend. I'm really nervous about tellig my supervisor but I don't think I can do anything else. Like I said, If I were in his place, I'd want to know.
Thanks for the note though. Glad to know I'm not the only one who thought of it.
Oh,yeah, glad you're feeling better. Never had Strep but from what I've heard from others, it's terrible.
I love this entry. I could not have expressed myself as clearly as you have here. I feel so many of these same things. I have learned to ignore the eyes and tongues of others. When I hold back, I miss out on life. I find those with passion to be the most interesting and good-hearted people.
Oh, I do believe in Soul Mates, and I also believe in live throwing us lessons we need to learn. I know that if I was looking I would not have found my wonderful man. Maybe, if I was looking, I would have looked for the physical being I had in mind and forgot about the emotional being I needed. Just a thought
I'm glad you are feeling better
infinity and beyond
AFTERTHOUGHTS: Meant to say "LIFE" in the first paragraph. Also, that sounds like I don't like the way my husband looks, physically. I think he is sexy and gorgeous, but he wasn't what I normally went for. He is more stable and more "normal" then I would have ever believed I could be with.
Lavendar: I think too many people are put off my someone who is overwhelmed (in a good way) by life - by sunsets and the edge of the ocean, by someone who stops to smell the roses and delights in the sheer beauty. I'm this way. I walk on the trail and sometimes I feel like I'm gonna pass out because everything is so dang beautiful. I rave about the sun, the grass, the deer... most people who pass me by don't seem to notice those things at all. Why are they out there then, if not for the joy and beauty? My friend Sara is one (of maybe two or three other people) who seems to understand, if only a little, why I get tears in my eyes out there. I think these are the people who we need to find on our Quest - the ones who are our Holy Grail, those who resonate with our joyful, beautiful Lifeforce. Like the Grail, they are few and far apart.
Thanks for stopping by,
I would have to say that mine is a quest for balance. Like you I have deep appreciation for the things in life that often go unnoticed.
But passion... Passion is a beautiful and very necessary part of being human. What's this life for if we cannot have passion for something. But there still needs to be balance. Many times in my life my passion for the small things has caused me to loose sight of big picture. Sometimes I've had to reign myself in. But I don't think that you can appreciate these things too much. I think that you are blessed to see things in the light that you do. And there will always be someone that you can share those feelings with.
Josh, the man that I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, sometimes doesn't see the beauty in humankind in all of its shortcomings. That can be difficult for me because being a newcomer to NY I don't have any like minded people to share my feelings (good or bad) with.
Thats what I enjoy so much about Xanga. It's nice to know that there are people out there who share the same joys, fears, desires, etc. as I do.
Thanks for sharing!
Love and Light!
Becki
Jen, it WAS a shitty time...made better at times by James Leary, my fiance, and admittedly, the photo shoot with James Marsters. That was BEFORE the autograph signing. This was a fan run convention, and I heard from others who went that it's not always this bad. Thanks though.
Shit happens. *shrugs shoulders* Had you been there, I think you would have spoken up as well.
I have begun a quest (Journey) of my own...and I shall find the light at the end of the tunnel and hope to god it isn't an oncoming train...
This was a truly beautiful blog. Wonderfully written and expressed so perfectly.
I think that many people don't seem to feel the passion for things because they are too fearful of looking silly, being put down or perhaps simply dealing with such strong emotions. They cut themselves off of what's deep down inside because it's easier to just glide along rather than really see, feel and emote.
I don't think it's wrong to expect it from others. I don't think it's too much to ask and I don't think there is such a think as appreciating too much. Live your life as you feel is right. That right person will eventually run into you.
I followed a trail to you from Mugzees place !! So glad I did. This is a wonderful entry. The one thing that pops out of me to comment on is..... that I do not believe that you can ever find another who thinks just like you . You may find those that share some of the same passions and ideas on life. But impossible to find another that thinks just as you do. Those differences in us humans is what leads to a relationship of Passion. I am grateful to say I have that soulmate, we think much alike, but the differences is what make us a good match !!! Nice to read you ..... I shall be back often... Hugs.. Rosie
I'm veryyyyyy tired as I read this and know I will read it again... I can relate so much to your writing about passion. and questing... I think you are a Quester by nature. In a sense, the act of questing is what you describe, experiencing life with a hypersensitive alertness and wonder, questioning constantly and turning things over in your mind and heart (QUEST is in "question" after all)
There was a period of several years when I was unemployed and struggling immensely financially and other ways. For one year of that I wrote - my first fiction novel. I immersed myself in it, writing 10-12 hrs a day, 6 or 7 days a week. It poured from me and I LIVED in that world and I can honestly say it was one of the most passionate, satisfying, all encompassing experiences I have ever had in my life.
More passionate than any love affair - it's not a fair comparison, but it involved my being so COMPLETELY and fully. I understood in that period of time the meaning of PASSION with a much deeper level of awareness and a knowledge beyond words.
anyway.. .when I read your talk of passion, that is what I think about. And no the novel isn't published, I have never finished the rewrites after it was edited by a former professor... no passion in the discipline of revision work and rewrites ! hopefully someday
The quest is part of the fun. I too stop and smell the flowers, I have come to the conclusion that I want someone that doesn't see things the way I do but adds their own perspective to the mix. It spices up life a bit.
loved this post, really got me thinking.
and sure hun i am always available for cleaning, cooking and laundry. is what i do best.
Just a note to let you know I got tired of not being able to comment so I went ahead and created a journal. Not gonna use it for anything other than commenting but figured I'd let you know about so when I leave a comment you'll know who it is
-CJ
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