June 15, 2004
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Blocked....by myself.
Ever feel life is redundant? Thats me right now. I want to talk about perspectives..but that's been done.
I want to talk about whats going on in my life right now...but am having a hard time doing that, without just reacting to what Mike blogs about.
I want to talk about reality...but it's harsh enough, that I don't really want to bring it here..
I want to talk of wonderful friends, of smiles, of sunshine...but I have too much in my head right now to talk about my heart.
I want to talk about yearning...of wanting..of needing...and not knowing what it is you yearn for, and need, and want. But I just don't have it in me right now...
I'll talk about Smoke and Mirrors. The way life can be twisted, and turned, to shed a different light on the same event. That seems to be what the problem is right now with my life. Mike and I seem to see things so differently at every turn. Sometimes so completely differently, it becomes a frustration unto itself. I want him to understand...he wants me to understand...and it falls apart.
Baggage...so much of it. And a blog I've been working on for days...but nothing seems to come of it. I can't flow, I can't sit, and have everything else just dissapear. Maybe I'm afraid to look to deep...maybe my plates just so full, I can't write. Maybe I feel like everytime I try and write something...I end up just rebutting what Mike has said...I don't know. I just know I need to take the reins back on my xanga. I need to again, not worry what others perceptions of me will be, but to just flow. MY blog...my life...my perspective.
Right? Right.
So I'm going out, to enjoy the sunshine with my children. One day at a time...one issue at a time...and it will all work out.
I just wish I wasn't so bitter. Maybe the sun will take that out of me today.
Hope you all have a good Tuesday...
xoxo
me
Comments (7)
Where do you find these yummy graphics?!?
You and Mike are both trying so hard. {hug} I have a lot of sympathy for how difficult it is to think thing sthrough rather than reacting to what the other is doing. You've both been a lot more open here on Xanga that Tim and I were. And I think that's largely because neither of us trusted outselves to be able to avoid that trap of reacting in our blogs. I think you are wise to try to walk through without slipping into that emotional place - but I also know its hard.
you take one step at a time
you try, and survive
and you do the best you can
for now that must be enough
have a great night my friend
t
I feel you... I understand what you're saying. I hope the sun, fresh air and time with your children helps.
Peace & Blessings
Bitter I can enjoy in chocolate and cocktails, but as a mood, it sucks. I hope the sun brings out the best in you.
I have to ask again, why do you read his blog? I think you know the answer, and the answer is keeping you from moving on.
I mean that as a statement of love and peace.
I reserve no judgement on you whatsoever, I have been through and am going through, the same thing. At some point you have to stop looking. Stop trying to understand, and let go.
Whenever I searched where I knew, that in my highest good, I shouldn't search....I only ever found exactly what I was looking for.....reasons to be sad, mad, whatever.
Be ZEN, yo!
*hugs* I think it's going around. I just went through a harsh reality check with my ex. Sucks. But...(and I say this knowing it is much easier said than done..) we can chose how we want to feel. By making the effort and working towards it, we can actually change our moods to the better. (Now I'm not talking fluffy bunny stuff either...just to help pull out of a mood.)
I'm here if you need me...
Love,
Me
Take a break. Sunshine and reflection might help. First, who cares if you're rehashing what your SO said in HIS blog? I don't read it. I don't even know who he is! So if you feel something, say it! You ARE your own person, you know. (Yes, I know you do. Sometimes we just need to be reminded.) You think for yourself. Just let life come sometimes. Don't force it. Or your words. Or your blog. Just be. What's that quote? Be silent and know that I am. Well, I think it's a Jesus thing, BUT..... it works. Just try this: think of "I" first as the Divine. However you see it. Repeat this mantra to yourself. It works whether it's Jesus or Zeus or Kali or JoeBob. Have faith in life, the unknown, fate, destiny, coincindences, the Divine, whatever. Then change it to mean YOU. Chant "I am. I am. I am." Have faith in yourself. And know that you ARE and that you are wonderful.
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