My
Sweet Baby James
( Click here for sound )

There is a young cowboy...
Who lives on the range...
His horse, and his cattle are his only companion..
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyon..
Waiting for summer..his pastures to change...

And as the moon rises, he sits by his fire.
Thinking about women, and glasses of beer.
Closes his eyes as the doggies retire...
Sings out a song that is soft but it's clear...
As if maybe someone could hear..
He sings..

Good night all you moonlight ladies..
Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James..
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams..
Oh..and..
Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James...

Now the first of December,
Was covered with snow..
And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston
Lord, the Berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frosting
With ten miles behind me
And ten thousand more to go...


There's a song that they sing when they take to the highways
A song that they sing when they take to the sea...
A song that they sing of their home in the sky..
Maybe you can beleive it
If it helps you to sleep
Singing seems to work fine for me..


Good night you moonlight Ladies..
Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose
Won't you let me go down in my dreams...

Oh, and Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James

~Song and Lyrics, by James Taylor~

I've been singing this song to him, since he was conceived.
He has been nothing but a joy..Nothing but a wonderful baby.
And today...Today he is One.
My heart rejoices, even as it breaks..

I cry as I do this...I cry as I review the pictures...
As I write out this song..as I listen to it..
I am so blessed..so blessed to have him in my life.
This year will never be again...

But I will always have my Sweet Baby James...

I love you, baby..
xoxo

Mommy

Can I have your Attention, please!

Ladies and Gentlemen......
Boys and Girls....
Please put your hands together....
And welcome...
Our Newest Member to Xanga....
Rachel!!!!
She'll suprise...
She'll shock...
She'll make you laugh until you pee...
She'll make you think...
She'll make you smile....
Yes,
Ladies and Gentlemen...
Boys and Girls...
She's that good...
And she will be a Xanga junkie...
Trust me..I know...

So.......without further delay....
Please..give it to Rachel!!!!!

Take it away, Girlie!!

Sassy

( Thought you'd like this, Aaron..just trying to make up for the pink..lol)

I'm feeling Sassy.  Completely sassy lately.  People wonder what's up with me...well...I guess..I'm just feeling, well...sassy!

I have no clue why, really...other than my sense of empowerment is back...and it's nice.  It's nice to feel in control of my own destiny...to feel...to see where I'm going.  I know I'll never know really, what the future holds...but I feel like whatever it is...it will be where I'm suppose to be.

I know..I'm full of contradictions...yo yoing back and forth...but I feel like that's my prerogative right now...( And now that damn Bobby Brown song is stuck in my mind...quick!!!...I need to think of something eles!!!.... Great...now I'm singing the damn Barney theme song...I'm in pergatory.  Oy.)  Anyway...I think I'm just going to feel like I need to feel on a daily basis.  That's just the way it's going to be now...and I need to accept it.  Right?

So today was okay..kind of blah...but..err..FUN!  YEAH, FUN!!  Why?  Well, I got a new outfit...( Okay, I got two new outfits..) and BOTH are in 4 sizes smaller than I was in January...I know, I know..Thankyouverymuch!  So of course that was fun!  Nothing like shopping, while Mike looks at his watch every 5 minutes...and the kids are screaming... Soooo fun...yeah.  FUN.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling so Sassy...clothes are fitting looser...I have more energy..I'm doing things for me...well, who wouldn't feel Sassy, eh?

Although, one downside...I called a couple temp agencies today...finding out how to go about employment.  I felt like a complete MORON. 

"  Hi, so...ummm, like...I was wondering...err...how I go about getting a...you know...a...errr...job with you?"

Okay, maybe not that bad...but still.  And when they asked me the last place I worked...Oy...
"  In 2000" I say..." I managed a Claires store, so I feel I have outstanding customer service and managerial skills...blah, blah, blah"

"OH, so you're just coming back to work from a long break?"

" I wouldn't say staying at home with my kids is what I call a break.."

(fake laugh) " Ahahaha..yes, I'm sure.."

This is annoying..and it's going to stay annoying.  It's going to make me get pissy...and I've got to get over it.  I know, in a lot of situations..a 'stay at home mom'..( or dad for that matter..) arn't treated with the respect they deserve.  I mean, I haven't forgotten how to work..in fact..I didn't really understand what real work was until I had kids...so don't feed me that line of BS Mr.Ahahahaha.   Jerk.

Okay..better now...lol

So that's it...that's my exciting day.  Mike and I had a good talk..which was nice...deciding how we are going to break up expences..how we are going to deal with day care..blah, blah...So even though it was stressful, it was good, because there was no fighting..

So, all in all...a good day.

But rainy.  Like REALLY rainy.  (Did I meantion it RAINED...AGAIN??)  Yuck.

Hope you all have a great Friday!
xoxo

me

Okay, so wadaya think?  Honestly..it is a little too froo froo?  I like pink and all..but I'm just not sure...hmmm...I guess I'll leave it alone for now...see how it grows...lol

I'll blog later...going shopping today..woo hoo!

xoxo
me

Focus

 

Time, once again...to Focus.  To focus on me..on my children, on my future.  There are many things I need to do...many things I haven't done..because I've been hiding behind a phone.

SO...here we go...

--Job
--Apartment
--Councling
--Gym
--Family
--ME

I went to the gym today..and it made all the difference.  I haven't been going much..and I feel it.  I don't necessarily feel it in my body..as much as I do with my emotions..my stability.  There is something empowering about spending 30 minutes sweating your butt off.  Then lifting weights..and clearing your mind.  It's nice.  It's me time.
Then I went to the store.  Did serious grocery shopping.  * Note:  you should not go to the grocery store to buy bread crumbs when you just finished working out..and you're hungry.  Bad, bad combo...SO 100.00 dollars later..ehem...*

So here I sit...munching on bannana chips..( my new obsession..) and deciding how I really want this blog to go.  See..there are so many things in my head now..so many emotions..and it's weird..because today, most are good.  Yesterday, most were not.  BUT I purged last night.  I layed it all out there...and I think, in doing so..I let it all go.  What a releif that is.  I'm still sad, because I feel I've lost some things I wanted...but I feel empowered..because I did everything in my power to be honest and forthright.  It was nice.

Last night..a new friend said something to me...something that has stuck...he said...

"You wrapped yourself in an emotion you needed to feel..."

Okay.  Noted. 

Thanks.

Now it's time to wrap myself in me.  And that's what I'm doing...

So...yeah...I'm not in a bloggie kind of mood right now, I guess...so I'll save the rest for later..

xoxo

me

 

The Dam Breaks

Today, the dam has broken for me.  All of my calm..all of my resolve..has flown.  I'm a mass of emotion..good, bad..and everything in between.

What the hell am I doing?  That's the biggest question I have right now.  And I can answer that, in every way.  But the answers arn't enough.  Nothing is enough right now.  I'm empty..completely empty.  And completely alone.

Alone.

Get used to it, eh?  That's where I am now.  It's where I need to be.  It's even where I want to be.  But shit, it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

Why?

That's the next question I have.  Why can't things be easy?  Why can't things be like I want them to be?  I know that's an adolesent question.  I know the good things in life are hardly ever easy.  I know things can't always be like I want them to be, because the world is made up of so much..and I'm just a small part of that.  But it doesn't make things any clearer for me.

Heartache.  That's where I am right now.  My heart is aching.  For me..for my children...for what could have been..on so many different levels.

I can't stop crying...I can't stop staring off...wondering what in the hell is going on.  One step at a time, I know.  Positive baby steps...but right now, I feel like my feet are glued to the ground.

And I just want to scream at the injustice of it all...at the irony of everything that is my life...of what my life has become.

I have nothing eles to give right now..no good blog..no happy times.  Just emptiness..and heartache.

Edit*  So I was just reading my blog from yesterday...it's a yo yo right now..that's for sure.  I hate that.  I hate this.  I want to be normal again..damn it!

Just a Swingin'

 

Today has been good.  Really, really good. 

Why?  Yeah..I have no real idea. 

Okay, that's not true. 

It was sunny! 

 What did I say? 

You heard me.

IT WAS SUNNY!!!!

And I have to tell you...that puts me in a good mood right off the bat.  THEN I had my counseling appointment this morning...followed by a funny voice mail on my cell phone...followed by good conversation, laughter, and giggling...followed by a nice little fight with Mike..( which is okay, honestly, because I'd rather fight then have the tension..)  Followed by more conversation..followed by the park.

The park!!

A sunny, beautiful day.  A park by a lake.  Pine trees, little white flowers...and baby ducks..soooo fun.
I tried to teach Emily how to swing on her own..because honestly..I'm so sick of pushing her.  All I hear is "HIGHER!! HIIIIGGHHHER!!"  In a whiney voice.  Raar. 

ehem.

Anyway, so I was trying to show her how to swing.  And before I really knew what I was doing..I was swinging higher, and higher..and laughing...

Just throwing my head back and laughing...from my soul.  I had forgotten how much fun..how free that makes you feel.  I couldn't stop smiling..I know I was flushed...and I was happy.  I'll always have that memory.  It feels like the first time I've ever swung before.  ( errr.  you know what I mean...eww..)

By the time we got home..all systems were a go...kids down for naps..living room clean, dishes done..blah, blah.  I sat out on the deck for an hour..just soaking up the sun... Ahhhh...it feels so good.

Mike and I got into it again this evening..but really, that can't even touch me today.  For some reason, today....I just know everything's going to be alright.  I'm seeing so much beauty again...so much good...Whatever happens..everything is going to be alright.  I'm Zen...yo.

And I feel my darkness...my blackness...my ugliness...just being swallowed up by the light.  And there is a lot of light.

Hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday..and I will blog about my counseling soon..I just need to sort through it all first.

All my love...

SHIT! 

 

I had a huge, huge blog here...poof!  DAMN IT!!!!!!!

Yeah, it's two in the friggin morning, folks..just got through PURGING.

I guess it wasn't meant to be posted.  Good thing probably.

Hmm..Oh well. ( yeah, if only I could really be feeling that way..)

I have a councling appointment first thing in the morning..so I'll probably be blogging after that.

Have a good morning..( Don't trust Xanga today.. )

xoxo

me

Yet another Poopie Blog...

(if I hear any poop about this picture......)

I know, I use the term 'poop' quite a bit.  Welcome to my life.  Seriously. 

Last week...We all had the flu.  James had the flu.  And he pooped for days.  Everywhere.  And I do mean that literally.

So finally, things are back to normal..right?  Umm..no.  I hear him wake up this morning, go in to check on him. 

Poop Everywhere.

All over.

Did I mention I had just woken up?

Yeah.  Ewww.

So it got me thinking.  What's up with all this poop?  It seems like it's been everywhere lately.  Emily, James...wow.  No more, okay?  I don't like poop.  I don't like smelling it.  I don't like cleaning it up.  I don't like bleach.  And really, the only thing I can think of to use with poop, is bleach.  ( The smells mix wonderfully by the way.  yuck.)

And it's not like every other aspect of my life is rosie and good, either.  It's all kind of poopie right now. 

You keep using that word..I do not think it means what you think it means..

Seperation.  Poop.

Fighting.  Poop.

Tension.  Poop.

Completely uncertain future.  Poop.

Growing up.  Poop.

More emotions than I've felt in years.  Poop.

Getting the picture?  Yeah.  Me too.

There are things in my life that arn't poop.  Definatly.  Mike and I are working through this, and will hopefully come out with a great friendship.  Aaron..as always..is my constant support and sounding board. And makes me laugh harder than anyone I know.  Friends are wonderful, calling to check on me..seeing if I need anything.....I know I'm a lucky girl.

But this is my Poop blog, non the less...so we'll stick with that.  ( eww..I said poop and stick in the same sentence!!)

Maybe I should just stop blogging about poop, before I loose all my subscribers, eh?

Hope you all have a great Saterday...I'll have more less poopie stuff later!  I'm meeting Autmn for coffee and witchy shopping today! 

xoxo

Jen

 

From the Mouth of my Perfect Daughter..

 

Yesterday, Emily was talking about her friend Ben.  She's been bugging me about a play date, etc.

So yesterday, we are in the car, on the way back from the gym  She starts in about Ben again.  At this point, I'm pretty much tuning her out.

Then, she says...

" When me and Ben get married...when we are married..I'm going to remember his name.  His name is Ben."

MMMkay.  Well, I guess that's settled.  Don't you hate it when you can't remember your spouses name?  But my Emily...she'll always remember.  What a smart girl she is..lol.

OH...and a couple of days ago..we were having dinner with Mike...at a little Thai place..and they were taking FOREVER with our food.  Emily is getting a little restless.  She's being really good, considering the circumstances..but still..restless.  All of the sudden, she says..

" Hey Mommy!!  Look at my penis!!" 

I choke...I gasp..and I look down.  She has her legs apart, with her finger in the ...err...position of a penis?  Yeah.  Did I mention that Em, like most 4 year olds, yell everything?  Yeah.

I tell her..."This is NOT an apropriate place to say these things..I tell her she needs to not talk about stuff like this at a restuarant, because it may offend other people.  She was embarassed, and said she was sorry...I told her it was okay, let just not talk about this in public.  Where was Mike in all of this, you may ask?  Hiding behind his napkin, trying despratley not to roll on the floor in a fit of laughter.  Meany.  Emily said.."Why is Daddy doing that?"  I told her it was because he was so embarassed about it, or something like that.  And I have to tell you..it was the hardest thing ever, not just busting up laughing along with Mike.  But hey..I'm the Mom..right?

There are so many stories I could tell about Em, and her penis envy...but I'll save some for another day!

Hope you all have a great Thrusday!

xoxo

Jen