Taking a look back...
Tonight, I have been looking back at all my blogs..from day one. Trying to gain some perspective on where I am now, vs. where I was then. And I found some interesting things..some things that validated my feelings now, and some that made me question.
So I'm going to post them here..and there are a lot..( So this will probably be my longest blog EVER) But it will be nice to have them all in one place. I have known some of you from 'the beginning', but for others, this may give you a little perspective, as it has for me.
I have just taken snippets from most blogs..things that stuck out at me..along with dates. There are a few, though, that I've kept in their entirety.
August 21st 2003
I want and need them to like me..and I know they would think of me different. Why do I feel I need their approval? Hmmm..I could go on and on into childhood with that one, I'm sure! I fit in nowhere.. not with the Yuppie moms playgroup, not with the "New age" croud..I'm so normal it's killing me. Jean shorts and a polo..news junkie..white keds or flip flops..sooo completely normal. Am I normal because I'm afraid of rejection? Maybe. Normal because, well, I'm just NORMAL? Maybe. I feel like I am inbetween worlds, I know where I want to be, but getting there is harder than I could have imagined..
September 11th, 2003
So the Full Moon didnt work for me tonight. Instead, I got caught up in real life shit. My husband was a jerk, my stomach was upset..and now, at midnight, we are through fighting in bed, and I'm sleeping on the couch. When I'm this mad, I dont even want to sleep near him. He has been pissy all day, but says it's me who has been pissy. I believe him. I have, so has he. So tonight, while we are having dinner at a friends, he says something..( I cant remember what, isnt that always the case?) anyway, it hurts my feelings. Instead of getting bent out of shape, I say.." I'm really sensitive tonight, I need you to..." And as I say that, he looks away. He does that jaw stuck out, stare at something random thing..like, okay, here comes the lecture. All I was going to say, was that I needed him to be patient, to be "lovey" with me. Of course I didnt finish the sentence. When I say "I need" and he looks away, why the hell would I want to bear my soul to him? This breaks my heart. I love him so much, and hate when we fight. I feel lately I've been a good friend to him. His best friend, even. I've been a good mother to his children, a good house keeper ( okay, not really a good housekeeper...) But I havent been a Wife. Not really. A nice kiss goodbye in the morning..maybe one when he gets home, but usually nothing when we go to bed. If I kiss him, it's great. If I dont..nothing. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! It scares the hell out of me. Whats going on? He says he love me. Shows me he likes me..we laugh, we hang out..but theres no affection. I feel so alone. I need to be held, and loved, and kissed, hold a hand, a arm draped around my shoulders..and I rarely get that. I NEED it, damn it. I do. I'm not trying to be selfish, or make this bigger than it is. It just is. I need it. I need to feel like more than a Mother. We had our children young. We are both still in our mid twenties. And I feel so old sometimes. I need some spark. Some flame. And instead I get a PASSIVE husband. Or a husband that has turned passive. And this isnt the first time. It's happened before, and I have to get this upset, and this hurt, and it will change for a while, then gradually, we get back into this pattern. I think in my head, Whats wrong with me? Am I that revolting to him? Why doesnt he want me? Am I no longer important to him? I hate that I think things like this, that my confidence is shot down with this. I am a confident person, usually, and that frustraits me.
He is a good man, a good husband, a wonderful friend..the best father I know. But I need more. I know we'll work it out again, but I also know this will happen again. It always does. This makes my heart tierd. How much can I give? How much can I lack? Am I just trying to make him something he's not? He used to be, but has he changed? WHATS WRONG?????? I tried talking to him tonight, and he just stared at the ceiling, like, here is the lecture. I'm losing him..or I'm not..I just dont know. He's not acting like my husband tonight, like the man I love..
AHHHHHHHHHH..okay. Sorry. Sorry. Blogs can be about shit, right? This is my shit blog. Welcome
September 12
I think this really boils down to me being afraid..( duh, ya think?) of going into something, and not KNOWING all about it. I know whats in my life. I'm good at my life. So maybe I'm afraid I won't be good enough
Sept 15
I'm starting to notice, really NOTICE things around me more..smells, textures, tastes, joys, sorrows..I feel ALIVE more than ever before
October 17th
I feel like something is changing, growing, becomming. The calm before the storm, so to speak.. The wind is blowing, and leaves are falling like rain. But this isn't all of what I'm talking about. Wind blows, and leaves fall in Autumn. It's like the air is charged. I walked outside, and right into a brick wall of energy. More than I've ever felt before. It could just be I'm more intuned to the world around me now..it could be because it's warm outside, and that kind of makes it surreal. But never the less...I feel something that I have never felt before. I'm not sure I like it, but I'm not sure I don't like it either..confused yet?!? My body feels tense..ready for a fight
October 21
I, too, am coming into my reality. And I like what I see.
October 23
Something new. I understand her. There are things I miss, and constantly struggle to regain in my marriage. Most times I can find it, sometimes I can't. I miss the New. Miss the immense spark that comes with new found love, or even lust. The not being able to think of anything but the person. Being with them, seeing them, touching them. Becoming breathless in a kiss. So we find ways to make things new again. It's hard, but we try. We've been married 5 years..what happens after 15, 25 years? I hope we always find the new.
October 24th
Now, you may wonder..where was my husband in all of this? Well, he was at a 'fund raiser' at his work. It was Poker. Nice disguise, though. Glad he had fun, while I was dealing with living birth control. Oi-f'ing-Vey. He has been gone every night this week. Either having to work late, or in school, or his 'fund-raiser'. So if you are thinking "WOW, Jen's really been good about commenting on my blogs EVERY DAY", That's why.
Novermeber 13th
I've been dealing with a really big case of the blahs. My house is a mess..I'm not returning friends phone calls if I can help it..I'm just BLAH. I have more laundry to do than a household of 15..and I'm going crazy. I feel like life is passing my by, and I'm just hanging out..feeling blah. Time to snap out of it. The first thing that will help me..which always helps me..is to clean this damn house up. Whenever I feel out of control of my life, it's the first thing I do. Atleast I can contril my environment, right?
March 26th
The other day, my friend asked me.." Are you what you thought you would be when you grew up?" My immediate answer was "Yes". Then, I started thinking about it. Really thinking. Am I? Are any of us? When I was a girl, I had many expectations of what I thought I would be. A great mother. Patient, kind, fun. A great wife. Loving, caring, devoted, unselfish. A great friend. Caring, understanding, a good listener, a shoulder. I thought I would be a Teacher, a Ballerina, a Physical therapist, a Doctor. I changed professions daily.
The last couple of days, I've taken stock of my quick "Yes". Am I really what I thought I would be? And this had been my problem, and what I have been, I think, dealing with for quite sometime. That thing that hides in the back of your mind, or the monkey on your back. You can't see it, but you know its there.
I think I'm a good mother. I try to be. Patient? On a good day. Kind? Usually, but not as much as I want to be. Fun? Well, sometimes. I think I'm a good wife. I love my husband, he's my best friend. Caring? Mostly. Devoted? Oh sure. Unselfish? Hmmm.. not really. I'm not as unselfish as I would hope to be. I try to be a good friend. I do. But life gets in the way of that, as well. My damn plate is overflowing. Friends tend to fall last. Which isn't good, because if you don't nurture a friendship, it dies. And my soul needs friends. I need people. But I'm getting off the track that is my blog.
My expectations of myself. This is the point. I expect to be a perfect mother. June Cleaver, or any mother you see on T.V. Patient. Kind. Never yelling. Thats not me. I yelled at my daughter yesterday. I flicked her mouth when she mouthed off. I never do this, but GOD she just pushed it. After she stopped crying, she asked me to not do that to her anymore, because it hurt. OUCH. She tore my heart in two. TORE it. I will never do that again. But that's not the end. She could try anyones patience..but she's almost 4, and I know that's what little girls do. Why can't I be better? Why can't I get her to understand? It's taxing on me emotionally, as well as her. And I know we'll work it out, like we always do.
I expect to be the perfect wife..( although my husband does NOT expect this..) I wish I could have dinner on the table everynight. I want to not have a unnecessary fear of bleach. I want my whites whiter, and my darks not to fade. I want the house clean, the laundry done, and I don't want dust bunnies to even think of being under my bed. I want to sew. But again. This just isn't me. I hate bleach....I'm afraid I'm going to bleach random stuff that shouldn't be bleached. I never clean under my bed. And once every two months, I have all the laundry done and put away. And dinner on the table? If all the planets and stars are in perfect allignment. Suzy homemaker I'm not. And here comes the other problem I'm working on. I don't fit in anywhere. Or I do fit in everywhere...however you want to look at it.. I'm not a yuppie stay at home mom. I'm not a 'homemaker'. I don't fit in well with the 'church moms'..( yeah, I know, you're shocked..) I don't fit in with the working moms..well, because I don't work anymore. All these types of people I'm friends with...but I'm not 'one of them'. I don't fit into a slot. Which is good, right? I don't want to fit into a slot that society has made for me. But I think everyone wants to belong. And I don't feel as though I do. Anywhere. It's lonely that way. And it's liberating at the same time. Does that make sense?
My poor husband has had to deal with me going through a mini break down the last couple of days. Sure, he's been a jerk...but I haven't dealt with it like I should have, either. My friend thinks the prozac may not be working for me. But I really don't want to fall back on the whole " It's just the medication I'm on" excuse. This is me. What I'm dealing with. Mid twenties crisis? Maybe. Who knows.
All I know for sure, is that I need to come to terms with what and who I am, and what expectations I have for myself that are unfair. Hmmm...I feel as though I don't fit in with my expectations of myself. Maybe it's time to except myself for what I am..for who I am, and to work on making that person better, instead of trying to change into some ideal I set when I was a little girl. Lifes a complicated mess, isn't it?
Hope you all have a wonderful Thursday. All my love to you.
And thanks for listening.
Jen
March 29th
Then I would feel like I failed.
I don't like that feeling. It's one I don't feel often. Not because I'm great at everything, but because I tend to play it safe. Actually, I guess I always play it safe. Safe doesn't get you in trouble, or hurt, or killed...but that again, is another blog. Lets just say I have some 'issues' with needing feel secure.
April 18th
I'm feeling really discontent tonight. Restless, lonely, sad. I have NO REASON to feel this things, I just do. I want to do somthing. And I can't. My husbands gone till Monday night, so it's just the kids and me. That, I'm sure, is one of the reasons I'm feeling like I am. BLAH. It's just now 8:15pm...and the kids are in bed, and here I am. On the computer. Not that there's anything WRONG with that...( you'll get that if you've ever watched Seinefeld..) But I want to be having a deep conversation with someone. Politics, world affairs, religions. I want to learn, to stretch my damn brain. I have friends I can do that with...but they have either A.) No kids, and are therefor out or otherwise engaged, or B.) Have a husband and kids and are otherwise engaged. So I'm lacking tonight. A whole night to myself, and I'm waisting it feeling sorry for myself. What the hell is wrong with me?
Part, I'm sure, is that I'm a little discontent in my marriage right now. For no reason other than life gets in the way. It seems we talk alot about how broke we are, what the kids are doing, or what our schedules are like, but not alot of other things,....that makes me sad..
April 29th
It's been SO long since I got any. Why? God, I wish I knew. It's the whole married thing, I'm sure..but it's annoying. I'm someone who wants sex often. Couple times a day, idealy..but I'd settle for every other day or so. Mike, though, is good with bi-weekly, it seems. So I take a lot of showers..( ahhh..the shower head...I feel so close to it right now....ehemm...anyway..) It's been like 2 months. TWO MONTHS. It's frustrating. Soooooo frustrating. Grrrr...Why can't he be one of those men my friends bitch about? You know, the ones who want sex 'all the time..and I just want to sleep..blah. blah.' Yeah, if only.
May 2nd
And a women who just woke up from years of being empty.
I’m a person who thrives on my senses. I need to hear, to see, to smell, to touch, to taste. I appreciate all of this so much. But in the last few years, my world has been full of black and white..sepia tones. And now…now waking up to this beauty…it’s almost more than I can bear.
May 4th
About a month ago, I really started coming out of my haze. I started looking around, really looking and seeing all that was passing me by. Not because it wasn't mine for the taking, but because I was too far gone to see it. Many times I have had these ups and downs, as I have explained in my other blog. Many times, I've tried to tell Mike..I need. I need you. I need us. I need intimacy. Things would change for a few days, or a week..but never for long.
So I started pulling away. Sinking farther and farther into my haze. Into the shell of myself. I can't even recall how many times I would say.."I just feel empty". And I did. I did feel as though everything in me was without purpose. My children needed me, my husband needed me, and there was no room for me. I was overshadowed by all that was. My self esteem was low. My thoughts were low. It was hard to not want to sleep all day. But I kept moving. What was I to do? I have children who need me. Children who need a steady home. Children who deserve all I have to offer.
Then, one day..the world looked a little brighter to me. And then the next day, brighter still. ( I think it was the Prozac..thank the gods..) I started hanging out more with my friends. I started looking around me. Seeing things. And I realized. I had left my husband months ago. A slow slide into nothing. No hard words, no big fight. Just nothing. It's as though I woke up not knowing who I was..what I was..what I wanted
It's interesting to me, to see the patterns..to see my ups and downs..and know what is behind the writing. I feel like this was a good excersize for me tonight..it really helped!
Hope you all have a great night!
xoxo
Jen
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) She really is a lot of fun..she really is great. And I know she's testing her boundries. That's okay. What I'm truly scared about is how it's going to be when she's a teenager. Yikes.
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