Clarity as Afterthought

This is not some deep welled wish,
Where penny slides from hopeful fingers
Preceded with sickly trumpet blaring the impending epiphany.

I no longer seek a truth stuck between cheek and tongue,
To decode the lies thrown in random succession
In attempt to thwart heart and my own tangled idealism

No more hidden words to rummage through, found
Lodged in your eye and bat of lash, with an absent
X to mark the sharp edges of vowels, you slid
Down my veins with slight regret, and a shallow
Shake of pensive head; smiling cynicism while taking

Languid and bitter back-strokes, back- and two stepping
Tears left in the inevitable come down of your
Self consuming post presumptions, all the while
Humming “Buildings and Bridges” on your way
Out the door. What doesn’t bend, broken.

Because this is not some fly-by-night angst ridden fairy tale.
This is the ending in black. The final curtain call.
Obscure pain draped in a third layer of translucent memory-
Where, when lined up with the stars, make an impulsive
Pattern of weave and ravel, weave and ravel

Clarity has become an afterthought, something
Remembered in the ebb of this onslaught of desperate flow.
And there is no sign of deep throated secret,
Or bloodied lie to hide-and-seek at the count of ten.

This is my convenience running thick, and gone.
Shrugged off shoulders in a half hearted effort of
Nurture and neglect. Beautifully discarded, with
The irrelevance and lip biting of the perfect cliché.

Okay, so maybe i’ve written three poems, since I attended my writing class last week.  This makes me happy, in that way that I feel like the block is breaking, so to speak.

One of the prompts from class last week, was to write about something you’re hiding…or something hidden.  Well..i took it and ran with it.  I will say, it’s hard to write poetry in a good format when it’s meant to be spoken word, but i’m really happy with how this piece turned out.  I think it will be the first words I read aloud to a group.

Is the question;

What is buried deep in the core of me

Or

The cigarettes I hide at the bottom

Of my bag

Do I tell of the darkness I wallow in

The unencumbered joy  I feel

At self deprecation

-after all, I win

if I say it first

Or.

The quiet cries. 

The,

Shadow dancing,

The irrational fear of balloons popping,

Of being rejected,

Of not being enough,

Of

Wearing white shoes, after labor day!

Or.

I could tell of a time when

A six year old toe head in

Cut offs and sunshine tangeled pig tails

Found the attention of a man

Could spoil her as fast as the milk

Pulled from the barn at dawn, leaving

Her summer sour, tainted, and tasting

As thick as the metallic guilt at the bottom

Of the dented tin pail.

When she realized: try as she might

She couldn’t tap (in repetitive, compulsive fashion)

Her dust covered sneakers

Three times… three

And find her way home

Because that field, it

Wasn’t covered in poppies

But in rotted hay, secrets

And land mines.

See, you ask me what I’m hiding, when

What I do, is hide behind a smile

A joke, a whisper, a laugh,

An attentive nod.

I can look you in the eye-and lie

And tell you I’m an open book

So you won’t be as afraid as I am

Of what’s inside of me.

So..that’s it.  That’s the poem i’ve been playing with.  I’m pretty proud.

In other news:  I’m taking a dating break.  I have three girls who want to hang out (date) a lot…and i’m not really into any of them.  At all.  Who knew, really.  It just overwhelms the hell out of me.  and I don’t really like it.  I’ll just hang out at home alone at night, and write.  And find my center..and myself…again.

I hope all is well with everyone!

xo
Jen

So…i know..i suck at the update..and when I do update, it seems like i’m more screwed up in the head than normal.  Which is why i try to get it on paper.

I’ve decided it’s too soon to date.  It must be.  Because H. (girl I’ve been casually dating for a few weeks) came over for dinner last night..ended up staying the night.  Which was fine. What wasn’t fine, is that i totally wanted her out.  I couldn’t sleep with her.  I didn’t let her touch me.  And it screws with me.  SO cute,  funny, blah blah.  And I really have decided that i don’t like her like that.  I want to be her friend.  I like the idea of dating her..but the implimentation blows.  I keep thinking about Rachel.  And comparing,  Which isn’t fair to her.  Or to me, really. 

So..probably Saturday (because we already have a double date scheduled for Friday) I’m going to let her know I TOTALLY want to be her friend, but not more than that.  I feel like a jerk.  And I don’t get me.  She’s cute, and nice, and all of that.  And there is no connection.  Maybe it’s too soon.  I know it’s too soon.  Maybe I thought if I just jumped back on the horse i’d stop hurting so bad.  But instead it’s just making me hurt worse, and be more confused.

I’ve had two panic attacks today. TWO.  And I couldn’t figure out why till I went home and took some time for just me.  Then I realized that I’m screwing with myself too much.  That I feel like I cheated on Rachel..(which of course i didn’t…) I think things will become clearer once i’m just…alone.  Maybe.  But I can’t do this dating thing right now.  It’s annoying me.

Maybe i keep hoping she’ll change her mind and decide she loves me afterall.  I don’t know.  I just know that i don’t want my life like it is right now.  That’s for sure.

protected post today…let me know if you want to see it, and can’t. 

I think i’m a little messed up.

So..i’m excited about this date tonight.  I don’t see it going anywhere with her, because i don’t have that feeling in my gut that says it will.  And I get those when it goes somewhere, generally.  But I really like her.  We’ve been talking a lot, had lunch the other day, and dinner tonight.  We’re pretty flirty flirty…it’s cool.

And then I take a nap this morning on the couch..(I’m lazy, I can’t help it!  I was tired!)

And I dream that Rach is sleeping on the couch while I get my body painted (Um..don’t ask, i have no idea..)..and I come out, and she’s touching my face, and kissing me.

and it just left me feeling really weird when i woke up.  Am I doing the right thing, going on this date?  Am I causing more trouble in my head than I should?  It’s seriously messed up..and left me just…whacked in the brain.

i miss her.  this girl is cute, and amazing, and smart, and just..really cool.

and i miss the woman i love.  blah blah..again.

and she reads this, i think.  But i don’t really care anymore.  whatever.  let her know. 

I……………asked someone on a date.  She’s cute.  And nice.  And funny.

and she likes me.

And maybe i’m going to throw up.

But not for real, because we’re going to sushi.  which is perfect.  And i wouldn’t want to throw up.  But still.

Shit.

Busiest day.  Ever.

I’m not sure how.  But here it is, and it’s 1:35 am.  Seriously.

Let’s talk about vomit for a minute.  Last night, James woke me up at 2 throwing up.  Maybe I haven’t talked about it much, but vomit is not my friend.  I know, it’s not anyones friend, but especially mine.  I hate it.  I can handle anything really, except vomit.  Which you may have noticed….I hate.  A lot.  So that was fun. 

Now…lets start with after I woke up this morning.  Late.

I was dressed…running to pee (i know, I give so much information) and I had my phone in my back pocket.  And it fell in the (CLEAN!) toilet.  So now, my text message ‘send’ button, and 1, 2 and 3…don’t work.  This sucks, because I text all day.  a lot.  with like 5 friends.  So..I had to call all of them and be like “Let me tell you a funny story…” 

Okay, then I had a stupid meeting at work that took forever.  But then…I met a girl for lunch.  and she’s super cute.  and funny.  and…yeah.  That didn’t suck.

Then I worked, and came home, and Lisa was watching the kids, and she had dinner ready.  that was cool.  and sweet of her.  again..didn’t suck. 

THEN…another girl i maybe think is really cool came over and hung out tonight, and watched LA Ink and Ace of Cakes with me.  And we laughed a lot, and that was totally fun.  Didn’t suck.

Except I had a few drinks.  And i was having a good time..

And then Emily came out and said she didn’t feel good..and said girl ended up leaving, (because it was almost 1am, and really..that’s late) and I made a sandwhich (I know i’m being random, but it’s my blog, dammit).  And then I was talking to lisa in the bedroom (where she was talking to random girl online..) and emily runs in…PROJECTILE vomiting.    That, did suck.  And maybe she didn’t hit the toilet….at ALL.  and it was so freaking gross, that I question my right to be a mother. 

So now, Emily and I are watching Animal Cops, and trying to get the smell of vomit out of my nose. 

All in all…good day sandwiched between vomit.  Two cute girls, both totally awesome, and amazing.  Both i want to know.  Both seem to like me.

Secret:  I can’t stop thinking about Rachel…and wishing she were here to play with my hair…and let me fall into her.

Sad, I know.  And maybe it does suck.  But what can i do, really.  Love is love.  She’s not in love with me anymore…but I can’t stop loving her.  Maybe someday.

Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow..or, um..today. 

xoxo

j

Long weekend around these parts.  I should post a real update, but it’s a lot of blah blah blah.

However.  I’ve come to this startling conclusion lately.  I’ve been a pretty crappy friend to a lot of people over the last year or so.  maybe longer, and I just can’t admit it.  (Autumn, you too).  The thing is…I’ve been so involved in my own life, and so unwilling to commit to anyone elses life.  And it’s shitty.  So my goal now..is to be a better friend to those that love me.  And to appreciate those friends, and to set boundries with them, so that if I feel like I need space, or time, or don’t want to watch their kids, or any of the other things that make me shut down…I’ll be able to communicate that with them, instead of just being a jerk.  It’s a goal.  And I think it’s important.

Um….that’s all. 

Oh..I didn’t make it to the Bent class on Thursday, because traffic was out of control!  So next week, I’ll try a different route, and leave a little earlier.    And I went to their Mentor Showcase on Friday.  And it was freaking amazing.  I want to be that when I grow up.  To stand in front of a ton of people, and speak my truth as my whole body trembles.  Fucking amazing.

Hope all is well with you and yours…and Trin…Tuesday?? 

xoxoxo

Jen

p.s.  Lesbian drama is awkward.  ugh.

I’m so totally frustrated.  I synced my Zune to my computer, and it erased EVERYTHING from Rachels computer, which was a lot..and a lot of music I loved, that she’ll be taking the CD’s tomorrow.  ugh ugh ugh.  I’m so frustrated.  Like..a lot.

*deeeeep breath*  I hope she can fix it.  I hope she’s willing to try to fix it. 

Good note.  Girls are cute.  again.  And they make me laugh.  again.  We’ll see next week. 

Other than that, my days off have been okay.  I need to do a lot more cleaning tonight, because i’m still kind of in that depressed funk.  Plus, if I clean, I have to get all Rachels stuff together, which makes it all the more real.  And that is painful.  And i’m to the point where I really don’t want any more pain.  I’m good…thanks. 

Okay…so…I think that’s all for now.  I think I’ll write more later!

I’m so excited for Thursday, my heart jumps every time I think about it.  Why?  Because I am starting a writing class at Bent.  It’s a queer writing group.  And after talking about it for months and months, I’m actually doing it.  It starts Thursday.  And I’m so freaking excited!  www.bentwriting.com (i think).  I was invited to go to a drag king show afterwards, but I’m going to just come home–Rachel will be getting her stuff while I’m gone, and hanging out with the kids, and so I don’t want to be out too late.

So, I officially hurt someones feelings.  I feel really bad.  I do.  But I don’t get girls.  Maybe i just…yeah.  I’m not ready to date, just meet new friends and have fun.  And said girl is ready to date…and I just met her…and I think I got a paniced look, and ran in the opposite direction.  I’m a jerk.  But i just can’t yet.  I’m not even at the rebound stage yet.  I still miss her so much…blah blah blah (see every sad post below).

I got my review yesterday, which was a REALLY good review..suprisingly good for all the slacking that’s been going on.  It made my day.  Yesterday was one of those days that just ‘felt’ good.  I can’t explain it.  But i’m glad.

I had a dream last night, the kind you wake up from and feel so sad…. We were on a hill at Volunteer Park (In Seattle) and were wrapped in a blanket, and she had her face buried in my neck…and I was watching the sky.  And I woke up aching.  A lot. 

So NOW, i’m going to finish cleaning the house, and try to get stuff organized.  I love days off, as long as I’m busy.  So I’ll make myself busy.