Is this thing still on??? 
Maybe I'm thinking about using this again.
Is there anyone still out there??
Uncategorized
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*tap tap*
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I met my brother!!
My mom and Brother came up last week. It was so awesome...we had a wonderful time...full of laughs...( he's a smart ass like me...lol)
It felt like I'd known him my whole life, and like we've always been a family. I felt so lucky to have that...
Even now, I feel lucky...all the years lost seem so far away.
What else? Well, I'm moving on Wednesday night, and Thrusday. My apartment is being turned now. I swear, it's
Taking for freaking EVER. But I'm getting my walls painted different colors...Accent on Red. Whoo hoo!
I've always wanted red walls...lol
Socially, my lifes a little boring right now. I'm just too busy working ,and trying to breathe on my own. Mikea nd I are getting
along mostly good...with a few snags here and there...but good none the less. It will be so much easier when I'm
Not in the house any longer...plus the freakin' couch SUCKS.
( I know, I'm such a lady, I used freakin' and sucks in the same sentence..lol)
I know this is a boring post...but I'm at work...trying desperatly NOT to work....But it looks like
I may have to, rather I want to or not...dammit...
Hopefully once I get into my apartment, I'll have more time to post...and to comment...
I got a new laptop last week, and am going to put wireless in...so I'll be able to be anywhere while on the computer...
How cool is that??
*No comments please...you know who you are...*
Take care everyone...I'll be back soon..
xoxo
Me
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It's time
To start here again. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I've tried...so hard, to focus on things here at home. To work, and be a great mom, and a wife, and a friend.....
But I need to write...so here's where I go...where I've gone for over a year...just to find a place, amoung friends, that I can spill out my guts...and my guts need spilling. I'm sure there will be a lot in the months ahead. I hope so...and at the same time, am afraid of all of it. And I'm a little out of practice here, too. See? I'm already rambling..and I'm still in my first paragraph.
*Deep Breath* here we go...
Let me start here...and flutter around a bit.... I was looking back, tonight, through some of my older posts, and comments. Things I've written, remembering feelings, and times, and life in general. There is a letter I wrote to James back there, and a blog talking about my dreams...about so many different things. Then, I read one from December, that was protected, talking about how I was getting restless again...how I just felt the urge to run, to get out....and it scared me, because it wasn't so long after Mike and I decided to try and work out our marriage....and I was already feeling unsettled again....
Anyway, I started looking at the comments...and I read this, from RainyDar...
You will be fine - I have such confidence in you, Jen.
Being a seeker, a quester, one who does not settle for the comfortable, the "safe" way; one whose soul needs freedom and space to explore the VASTNESS of mystery... well that is not an easy path.
yet each of us has our own path, our feet are compelled to travel it with an inner compass that is set a certain way. True North for Jen is YOUR path, and I really admire your relentless pursuit of that.
those who love you dearly will be there, as you are discovering, and perhaps new ways of defining-expressing your contentment within those relationships is the challenge that will help you feel more settled.
I don't know if that makes sense at all, but I do know you are one terrific woman.
It hit me tonight....because, I've been wondering how I was going to do this blog...the one I needed to do...the one that was building like a dam inside of me, just ready to burst. And then I saw this...( Thank the Gods for Dor) ..and I knew it would be okay. So I'll just tell you all, and get on with the unloading of baggage.
Mike and I have decided to divorce. There isn't any questions about it, no indecisiveness. Just an ending of a marriage. But that, I guess makes it sound harsh, when it's not at all. We are doing it right. Gently, friendly, with both eyes on keeping the kids well adjusted, and okay. We still love each other...which makes it sad. And hard. But it needs to be done. We arn't good together. I need from him what he can't give me, and he needs from me what I have never been able to give him. We push, and pull, etc. There are tons of reasons, but the biggest is that we feel we've slid down this slop of comfort, to the point we aren't doing things to build eachother up. Instead, we're enableing eachother to stay down. I can't be who I need to be in this marriage. The patterns are to engrained for both of us. We fall into 'compromising comfort'. And neither of us are happy, really...but we're comfortable. And it's just not enough for me. And I don't think it's enough for Mike...( although I'm not going to put any words in his mouth).
So, yeah. I think all that happened this spring, all the pain, and confusion, all the drama....I think it's helping us now. We've already been through that...and we tried again. And again, it didn't work. It's awful to see it fall apart...it's awful to watch, as if from the outside...and see the mosaic shatter.....
But I really think it's going to be okay. We're talking...we're working on lagistics...we're figuring out all the details. The children are a no brainer. We'll stay in the same town, and split custody. We'll be doing pretty much what we've been doing. Half and half. Our schedules are such, that we never have a day off together, so it works out.
There are many other details...monotinous...and some I'm sure I'll ramble about soon....but mostly, and really, it's the prize at the end of this....I know, it's all going to be okay. I feel so calm... it's weird not to be a freaking mess....but I feel calm. And that's good.
I hope you all are doing well...take care, and I'll be around.
xoxo
me -
And lives merge
I talked to my brother on Tuesday night. For the first time. Ever.
When my mom was 19, she gave a baby boy up for adoption. She felt that was her only choice. I know those circumstances, but that's her story to tell. So I'll just tell you mine. I think she told me about it when I was 12 or 13. We were driving to Cedarville Ca, from Lakeview, Or. I remember the exact spot on the highway. ( Isn't it funny the things we remember?) I'm pretty sure the reason she told me was to scare me away from all things boys and sex. She told me it was the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life. Even then, I had so much awe at her courage to do what she thought was best, for the life she brought into this world. What floored my adolecent brain, was the fact that I had a big brother somewhere. Someone out there, was my blood. I wanted my mom to have another baby so badly, but after me, she was not able to. I think that was always hard for her. So for years, and years, I fantasized about this older brother that I had. What would he look like? And I was sure he would stand up for me. My brother, if he were with us, would be the best in the world, and he would love me so much, with all his might.
Life goes on. But he was always in my mind. Did he have a family? What did he do? What did he like? Was he even alive? I've always been one full of questions..( I know, you are all shocked!!
) I talked my mom into registering with the state of Idahos adoption department. Just in case he ever wanted to find 'us'. I think that was in 1999.
At the end of October, I got a call from my mom. She had received a letter, telling her they had found a match. They couldnt be sure, but they thought it was. Now, the thing about being sure is this....how many women put a boy up for adoption, in a small town, in the same week, or even month? Yeah. So it was more than probably a match. And we knew that. We had to wait a month, and if both 'parties' decided to carry on with the program, they would be sent a certified letter, on the same day, to be delivered on the same day, with each others information.
That was Tuesday. And he called my mom. OUR Mom. After they talked, he asked her if she would give me his number, so I could call him if I wanted to. And I did. That same minute....
And he is so wonderfully nice. It was awkward...but with my whit and charm...lol....it was okay. Just a little hazy now. But good. We talked for over an hour.
He told me bits and pieces of his life. Most of it not good. Which is so completely sad, since my moms one hope was for him to have a good life. Her one huge self sacrafice was for that very reason. But life is what it is, and he's here now. Well, not here. In Oklahoma. lol.
He called me again tonight. And again, we talked for about an hour and a half. He is SO funny. And we mesh so well together. Never at a loss for something to say. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a smart ass. He is too. We had so much fun, and I laughed, and laughed.
So, what do I want for Christmas? Nothing, I got my present early this year.
And what a present it is....
Take Care Everyone...
xoxo
Jen -
( picture coming as soon as Xana is through doing their thing...dammit!)
Where in the world have I been?
*Working. A lot. And still enjoying it...mostly. I feel like it's all I do, and I miss my kids terribly. But I also DO NOT want to go back to the person I was last spring. I actually like who I am right now. I'm comfortable with me, with my talents, my downfalls, and my heart.
* Breathing. I do a lot of that now. Deep breathing, deep thinking. Trying to learn all I can about me, and only compromising on things I know I can. I'm not giving myself to anyone but....me.
* Playing. With my kids. With Mike. With my friends. I laugh more. And I find the more I laugh, the more my heart feels light and free.
* Keeping up. With me at work 40 hours a week, my days off are spent cleaning, shopping, and....cleaning. And we all know how much I love that, now, don't we?
* Feeding my Heart. Charmed once said that I needed to feed my heart. And I thought that I was. Come to find out, I was feeding other parts of me. Now, though, I've found a way to feed it. A way for ME to do it. Poetry has done that for me. And I thank the gods every day for that outlet.
*Seeing. I see a lot more now, than ever before. Different perspectives, different views. I feel as though I've grown years in the last six months. And it's not a bad thing, at all. I truly did wake up from the 'stay at home mom' of 5 years, to now. And I'm not saying staying at home with your children is a bad thing. Eventually, I'd like to work part time. But I'm enjoying this now. And I'm enjoying the money. I needed to get out, and find ME, and have something that was mine, and I'm doing that.
* Therapy. Sliding down the hill past a separation, let me tell you, therapy is the way to go. Just to have someone to mull things over with. To help you put a different perspective on all the events, and your feelings on them. It makes me feel mentally stable...( shhhh...no comments on this, now...lol)
Other than that, it's the day to day. But in a good way. We had a little girl run over in the community that I work at. She is 8, and after two weeks in the hospital, is coming home today. Severe burns on her back, broken foot, some healed head injuries...and two surgerys later. She was stuck under the car. And the car wasn't going fast. She just dashed between two cars...there was nothing anyone could have done. But it kills me to know that this happened. I was there, I saw her. And after the inital shock, and the comand I needed to have to calm the masses, I just broke. All the way home, I just kept thinking how that could have been Emily. That could have been my baby. Now, I'm the bitch at the office, who yells at all the kids to stay outta the road, and who gives them candy, when I see them riding their bikes with helmets on.
Where are their parents, you ask? Good question. When I signed up for this job, I had no idea I would end up wearing so many hats. Bitch, counselor, best friend, confidant, parent...and Assistant Manager. Along with getting to make those nasty calls to vendors who arn't doing their jobs....
It's a lot. But it's a lot that I love.
I'm so slacking on reading everyone. I try, but it's so hard. I moderate on a poetry site...and I sleep.
(get ready for the mush)
But I want you all to know how important you all are to me....all of you. I read, I stay caught up, even if I'm not commenting... You were all there in a very important time for me. When I was fucking up, and when I was finding ME. And I have never, in my life, had the support like I do here.
So, thank you. I truly love you all....
I'll be back soon....Promise..
xoxo
Jen -
I'm alive...I'm just so friggin busy...
I have to work 6 days...only me.
My manager is in training this week.
But I leased three apartments in 4 hours.
Yes, I know, I rock.
Yo.
I miss everyone!
Poor me.
Tell me...how are you?
Everything else is good.
I'm just too tired to think.
I'll be back in a few days.
xoxoxoxo
Me
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I'm here!
( okay, so this is from this summer..( In Medford) but I don't have any pin ups on this computer...( lap top) but I do have
pictures I forgot I had!! lol!)
This is the first time I've ever stayed in a hotel by myself...
( I know, I know)
I feel so...so grown up!!
Now, it's bed time...
Just had to check the news....
I'm an armature volcano watcher, you know...lol
Hope you all have a great week!
xoxo
Jen -
Ahhh...Fall
I love fall. I do. The air gets crisper... the leaves start falling, school starts..( which is a good thing!
)...life moves on from the hustle of the summer...to getting ready for winter...for the earth to prepare to sleep...mountains start erupting..oh, wait! LOL...I'll get to that.
I love it, I do. And I tell myself this over, and over, through the 'Invasion of the Spiders' ( Doesn't that sound like a bad B movie??). I love looking at their webs, sagging with dew, ( eww..that sounds kind of...dirty..but you get my point...hmm..) glistening in the morning sun..( ok, that sounds better..lol)... I remember when we lived on Bainbridge Island after we had Em...( B.I. is across from Seattle...)...there were spider webs covering the telephone wires. Now, I don't know how it is where you live. But it was never like that in Oregon or in Idaho. When I say COVERING, I mean it. Literally. And it's beautiful, it really is.
But I don't like Spiders.
Shocking, I know.
But really. I don't. Let me start by saying, I don't like to scream like a girl. I know, I know, I am a girl, but that doesn't mean I like screaming like one. And I do, whenever one is on me, or I run into one. I do this weird screaming thing, and then that "get it off me" dance...it's freakin' embarassing..And this time of year, you're running into a lotta webs. A lotta. ( I think you've got the point by now..lol).
Where was I?
Oh yes. Spiders. Webs. Creepy legs. Not fun for Jen. Now I understand the need for them. I understand their place in the world..( or in my yard)...but it doesn't mean I have to welcome them. But I'm afraid to kill them.
Why? Spider Karma, of course. Have you never heard of it? Oh, yes. It's there. Trust me. Okay, here is how it works.
You kill a spider. That day, you see..( too close for comfort) atleast two more. Always. So, needless to say, I try my hardest not to kill them. Just to either ignore them, until they scurry back into the crack they came from...or..well, I scurry away to another room...or..hmm...I make Mike do spider duty. See, I'm not necessarily concerned with his Spider Karma. Only mine...muahaha...
So next time you kill a spider....beware...
Okay, so on to more...upbeat topics...
Mt. Saint Helens...an eruption is "Imminent"...dun..dun..dun...
We had a pretty big "steam burst" today. And it's building up magma...getting ready....and thats all. It's interesting, I could tell you all about it if you want...but..well...Okay, I will...lol...
See, about a week ago, the mountain started shaking...and then it shook some more...and then there was a little steam burst on Friday, followed by a Harmonic Tremor..( Yeah, I know, I need to turn off the news...but you asked...didn't you?) The Harmonic Tremor indicates there is magma comming to the surface. Then today, a bigger steam burst, with no slow in activity. So this means...it's gonna blow. Now, when I say blow, don't get the 1980 news footage in your mind...of mud slides, and destruction. It's not going to be that big. They say. And honestly, it couldn't be that big anyway, there just isn't enough mountain left for that.
It won't effect us here, unless the wind starts heading north. But I head to Portland tomorrow for the rest of the week....so...I may be getting ashed. But because it's not going to be catosrophic, it's fun to watch, and fun to learn about. I've been trying to explain it to Em...which is kind of hard..but I think she gets it...I think!
Okay, I think that's all the blogging I've got in me right now. I'm going to go visit some of you, then finish laundry, then make brownies...( I know, Mike, I'm the best wife ever..
) Then...go to bed!
Hope you all have a wonderful day...and Liv...thinking of you down there!
xoxo
Me -
Today, I must clean.
And I mean, bathrooms, kitchen, living room, floors, kids room, our room.
But instead I wanna blog. I do! Damn it. I don't know what about...but I miss writing...
I think one thing I'll blog about ...later....is my last blog, and a comment I got from one of my subs. ( Love her)
But it made me think...some of you havent' been around since the start of my blog. Some of you don't know everything....and I tend to forget that.
I know, it's all about me. Ask anyone.
Okay, so for now, I'm off to clean...maybe at nap time, hopefully at nap time, I'll be able to actually B.L.O.G.
Now, I need to go stop Em and James from killing eachother over Ems computer.
Oh, and did you here? Mount Saint Helens is gonna blow. Yay. ....and the best part?
I'm going to Portland next week for a Seminar. I hope whatever is going to happen, happens before then. I don't feel like driving in ash, if you know what I mean.
Okay...back later today. MUAH!!!
xoxoxo
Jen
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