....I cut my hair.  A lot.  above my collar in the back.

And I fucking LOVE it.

I'm kind of cool, actually. 

After finding an amazing site on xanga (One where i subcribed, but am too chicken to comment, because my words will seem empty and shallow)...I realize how..mundane and meaningless my posts are.  So today I resolve to do better.  To dig down past surfaces, and push myself into something....more.

Right?  Right.

Minnie Driver tonight, though....woo hoo!

(me, Rachel and James on our way back from Idaho in July)

Has been a busy one lately..and there are so many things I thought about over the last couple of weeks, that I'd love to blog about.  So..um...I'll try.

Here goes.

*  I love it, when she says in her sleepy voice "I love you too, sweetheart".  I...can't explain it, other than it's total mushy feeling, and it makes me smile a lot.

* I'm now managing my property.  Everyone keeps asking how i'm doing.  And i'm doing fine.  I donm't feel overwhelmed, or afraid..i'm just doing it.  It's not that big of a deal, honestly..which makes me wonder if i'm missing something somewhere.

* We went to a wedding last Saterday.  We sat in the back of the church, and Rachel tried not to laugh, while I just got pissed.  Maybe it's because it came on the tail of a talk I had with a friend over sushi Friday night...where we discussed how shitty it is that gay marriage is illegal.  And how I have a unique prospective.  The thing is...I know what it's like to get married to someone I loved.  I know what it's like to hold their hand in front of family and friends, and vow my life to them.  And have it recognized by State and Country.  I know what it's like to have to protection and rights that marriage affords.  What I can't get my mind around, is that I can't do that now.  If I proposed to Rachel, or she to me...we could get married if we went to Canada..or to MA.  But other than that..it would be a marriage based only on commitment, etc.  It would not be legally recognized.  Now, some would say this is good..we can have a Civil Union now...we can still be commited..isn't that enough?  But it's not.  It's not nearly enough to be segregated, to be given different and less rights then I was before.  The injustice of it all just caught up with me, as I watched my friend getting married...and it all just felt so crappy...I felt so slighted.  I'm who i am.  I love who i love.  And because i love someone of the same sex, I am not given the same rights.  Sure...I don't have to ride on the back of the bus..but do you see the correlation here?  Obahma says LBGT rights (Specifically gay marriage) is not a civil rights issue...but living it every day..and having lived a straight life for 8 years...I can tell you it IS a civil rights issue.  I'm not given the rights of a straight person, because I'm different.  And different = fear=ignorance=discrimination.  Maybe i'm feeling bitter..maybe i'm just ready to fight about it.  I don't know.  Maybe i just feel the complete injustice of it, because i HAVE been on both sides.  But no matter what, it's lame.  Completely.

*We had our 6 month anniversary.  And Rachel bought me a totally rad watch.  And I sent her flowers.  because i'm sweet.  ish.  And mushier than anyone else.

* I just got through watching the 3rd season of The L Word.  And I cried, and cried, and cried.  Good times.  I can't wait to watch the 4th season...I hope it's not quiet as sad, though.

*We're going to go see Minnie Driver at The Croc on Saterday night.  I'm excited, because her voice is amazing, and I'm a little (a lot) in love with her.  You should look her up.  Who knew.  Not me until recently, and now I heart her.  Go to myspace at www.myspace.com/jenisarockstar  .  If you friend me, you can listen to her song. 

* I heart vicodine.  In that way that it takes the pain away from one of my teeth that like-spitinhalf.   Ouch.  Luckily, you can't tell..so i don't look all that trashy..but still. It's going to cost a lottttta money to fix that one, and a few others that have root canal issues.  Do i look excited?  yeah...

Other than that ...it's been a tame couple of weeks.  I'm cuddled here with Rach, and she's ready to go to bed, so I'm going to go snuggle with her, and hope for the best. 

'til next time....

xoxo
Jen

Do you ever just want to pour your soul out...

and hope that the person on the receiving end of it doesn't close their eyes in disgust?

I feel like I'm on the outside, looking in.

And I want to be in.  I want there to be space, like the kind where we can be ourselves.

But I want to be in.  In that way where I'm trusted enough to confide in. To be there.  To accept unconditionally.

To love no matter what. 

I want to be that special.  That worthy, I guess.

And I don't think I am.

And I wish I knew why.

I'm sitting in my favorite blogging space.  Outside, on my patio..sitting in one of my comfy chairs, listening to the birds, and enjoying what is looking to be a warm, beautiful day today.  I think I'm going to take the kids swimming (and me too!) and just..kind of relax.  Work is going to be crazy for the rest of the summer...my Manager gave notice..so it's going to be me doing a lot of 'running the show'.  Which will be fine..but sometimes I don't feel like my life stops at all..just one thing after another after another.  Rachel makes me sit.  She gives me the 'come cuddddddlllle' look, that i can't resist.  I think that's the only reason I haven't run myself into the ground yet.

And now, everyone is getting restless..(including me) so I guess this blogging time is going to be cut way way short today.     I'll try to do more later!

xoxo

J

Hmmm...I read somewhere recently that I'm concidered a 'late bloomer'...pertaining to the fact that I got married, had kids...then realized I liked girls way (way way way) more than guys.

But does that mean I'm through blooming?  Because I really like blooming continuously.  You know..keeping my petals year round...planting roots...stretching toward the sun and fresh air.

So instead of being a 'late' bloomer...I think I just want to bloom.  Always.

In other news:  My ex is a jerk.  And what i really don't get..is how i STILL feel this way years after the divorce.  I'm sure (positive, really) that he would say the same about me.  It seems though, when we're around eachother-all the pain, everything just seeps back in, and end up in a 'yeah..well..YOU did "x, y AND z..'.  I want to like him.  I really do.  But it's hard.  Because he's mean.  But a good dad.  Manipulative..mind games..yes.  But a good dad.  Which is why I haven't moved away from here..to somewhere where i'd actually HAVE support.  Because here..is where he is..and the kids need their dad.  I just..feel so out of control of the situation.  And I have to tell you..that kills me a lot.  How out of control I feel of things sometimes.  I've worked SO hard for my independence..to raise the kids with loads and loads of love, structure, and the occasional (or more, recently) 'go to your room'.  And then to speak with him for 5 minutes, and be in tears, and so pissed at myself that I showed him any weakness.  He's condiscending. He talks down to me.  And I let him..and I take it.  And then I cry. And I interupt.  And I argue.  And I become a bitch.   Because I am NOT that person any more.  But..old habits die hard.  And reverting is so easy..so natural.  My mom comes...she does my landry.  I'm okay with that.  She cleans the kitchen..woohoo!  I see my dad, and he tells me to go get him a beer, and I hear "Sure, daddy" come out of my mouth.  It's funny, really.  Except when it's your ex husband.  And then it just makes my skin crawl a little.

So, my night hasn't been what I would concider aces.  However, cuddled up now with Rachel on the couch..(While she intently reads page 441 of the new Harry Potter) I think life could be worse...and I just need to buck up...and find that half full glass that I put around here somewhere...with the tequila in it.

And I have a question.  What do you guys think of Polygamy?  I'm a little obsessed with Big Love on HBO.  It's interesting.  To see a different side.  My opinion..is really...how is it my business if it works for someone..then so be it.  I would hate it if the laws of our country told me I couldn't marry someone I was in love with..............oh.  wait.  right.  Maybe that's a blog for another day. 

I hope you all have a good night..and especially you, K...you who should be sleeping...and finding Monday isn't that bad afterall.  Because it's my Friday.  And what could be so bad about that, huh??

Love love love.

xoxo

Jen

...It's taking me a while to get used to this whole blogging thing again.  But I was so nicely *cough* reminded I needed to.  Well, this weekend was pretty good, except the kids..oh, the kids.  They are pushing every button, and Em is going through this whole bratty stage..where you tell her not to do something, and there she goes!  Doing it.  Fun.  So Autumn...I know I'm a bad friend, and I'm sorry I didn't call you...but really...if I did I would have just been cranky, and sniffly, and just...grr. 

What else..um.  We are going to see Patty Griffin tonight at the Zoo.  I'm so so so so excited.  If you don't know who Patty Griffin is...you need to find her.  Her music is amazing.  We saw her at The Moore a few months  back..and I left the show in awe.  So it will be fun to see her again..and we get to bring the kids.  So we are making a big picnic-afternoon of it.  The only downside...it's raining.  Shocking, I know.  Except it hasn't been raining ..and in fact it's been really hot out.  So yay for timing.  We'll bring umbrellas.  And cheese sandwhiches.  That will make everything better.

I put in for a new job.  Same company, but it would be  a promotion.  Part of me wants it, and part of me doesn't.  So we'll see.  It was fun writing why i'm so qualified for it, though. 

I've been dealing with a few friend issues lately.   I think it's because I'm in a relationship now...and I'm spending most of my time with her.  I mean, I didn't spend a whole lot of time with my friends before, since I work, raise kids, etc...but I guess it's less now.  Except..why just ditch me?  Why decide that I shouldn't be a part of your life, just because I'm happy, and don't have as much time available as I used to?  Maybe i'm of the mind set that once you're my friend, you're always my friend.  No matter what.  I don't know.  I know I can be flaky (ask Autumn) but why just decide i'm no longer important to you?  *sigh*  (Ends pitty session).

I think maybe I'll throw some pictures on here of our road trip to Idaho.  We had SO much fun.  Mostly.  I mean, it was long, but there is nothing like a hot desert wedding, with a bunch of my conservative family to shake things up a bit.  Oh.  And two kids.  Don't forget that.  But the wedding was amazingly beautiful.  and my little sister is ...married.  (hi, my name is Jen, and I'm old).

Maybe i'll put some pics on later. I'm feeling a little lazy today.  And I kind of like it.  I'm sitting on my back deck, just letting the kids play and tear up the house.  I'm such a good mom.  Except maybe they are tearing eachother up too..and I need to go play ref....so..with that....

Take care, everyone...talk to you soon!

xoxo
j

I was just told my site is very 'femme'.

I like it still though...even in it's pinkness.   

I told you, K...I'm a princess.  Almost.

P.S.  We went and saw Sicko last night.  Rachel said I would cry.  I did.  Shocking, I know.

You need to go watch it.  Because I said so.

So I've been thinking all day about how to get this started again..and if I have the commitment to do it in the first place.  I think I do..but so much time has passed..how do I start again? 

One thing at a time right??  So here is the quick of it..my life the last 3 years.

*Divorce is final.  Mike remarried and has another son.  Long story.  L O N G.

*I'm living in Redmond.  (further away!) and have the kids all week.  Mike has them on the weekends.

*My brother-the one pictured below- was killed in a single car accident abut 6 months back.  Bittersweet.  Painful.  Atleast I got that time with him.

*After 2 years or so of dating, and not liking ANYone I met..I met someone.  Her name is Rachel.  She's cute.  I'll put pictures up soon.  She takes care of me in that way that someone does when they love you all the way inside.  It's more than nice.  And the kids like her..more than me sometimes (most of the time).  Refer to an earlier post if this news confuses you.  It'll be fun.  Like hide and seek.

*I'm still working a lot.  At a better paying job..but the same industry.  I like it mostly.

Okay..I think that's all for now. 

J