Doesn't suck too bad.

I love her.  I do.   And i'm more and more okay with that every day.  In letting myself love like this.

That's all.

mush mush. 

"Rachels buying this book tomorrow".

God bless Half Price Books, and her glorious addiction.

Truly.  Amen.

Um.  other than that, we're hanging out on the couch, on our respective laptops, just..um..doing laptop stuff while I wait for clothes to dry.

The cats went in today to get de-balled, and um..de-whatevertheydowithgirlcats.  They will hate us tomorrow.  But my hope is they will think it's some kind of punishment for the huge amount of peeing they did on our dirty clothes last week.  Which, honestly, was kind of my fault..maybe I put the lid on the litter box on backwards, and they couldn't get in.  But I wouldn't want them to continue the peeing on clothes thing.  So now..if they do it again..We can say "remember what happened last time..."  *grins*  Think it will work?

Yeah, probably not.  And just to be sure, I'm going to close our bedroom door tomorrow.  Just incase they decide a pillow looks good.  Cats scare me a little.

or more than a little.

Okay...so that's the exciting blog tonight. I kind of just want to go cuddle in bed with a cute girl (probably Rachel...), and read the new book...

xoxo

Update:  10:40 p.m. 

I finished the book.  Two or Three Things I know for Sure, by Dorothy Allison.  It's a short book..of her life..condenced, relevent, beautiful, eloquent and raw.  It moved me in ways I am still not convinced I wanted to be moved.  I broke down toward the end...when she was talking about her sister, and her niece..and how time changes lives..and how lives move over time.  I am my mothers daughter...following in her footsteps, trying to break the patterns I saw as a child, trying to be just like her.  Love, fear, respect, hate...
And hope.  so much hope.  And I see that.  I see it as an adult with a daughter.  Trying to do right.  Knowing I will fail at some things...praying the things I do right will overshadow the bad...will let her look back and say 'she was on my side', and 'she loved me more than anything'.  Because I do.  And maybe I suck at showing it.  I don't know.  I'm me...she's her.  But I hope..(there's that word again) that she will always know...forever realize...that she, that james...are the love of my life. Hope.  Patterns.  Life.  Reality.  It all swirls doesn't it?  Perceptions shift, becoming watercolors smeared on glass...fuzzy, imperfect...but colorful.  Find this book.  Read it.  Read all of hers.  Really.

Rachel sent me an email with her friends lj entry on it.  Who was talking about Dorothy Allison, and her amazing books...

Rach had talked about it on our first date.  How wonderful she was..what an amazing writer.  And of course, I put it on my mental 'books to buy' list.  But now...I'll buy it tomorrow.  Because below is one of the many quotes I read tonight...and the one that actually made me cry a little.

"She kissed me gentle, kissed me slow, kissed me like Gracy Kelly, a
porcelain princess, a lace-curtain lesbian. I told her, Don't touch me
that way. Don't come at me with that sour cream smile. Come at me as
if I were worth your life—the life we make together. Take me like a
turtle whose shell must be cracked, whose heart is ice, who needs your
heat. Love me like a warrior, sweat up to your earlobes and all your
hope between your teeth. Love me so I know I am at least as important
as anything you have ever wanted.
I am the woman who lost herself but is now found, the lesbian, outside
the law of the church and man, the one who has to love herself or die.
If you are not as strong as I am, what will we make together? I am all
muscle and wounded desire, and I need to know how strong we both can
be. Two or three things I know for sure, and one of them is how long
it takes to learn to love yourself, how long it took me, how much love
I need now." – Dorothy Allison

I know, I know..i'm a cryer.  But 'love me like a warrior, sweat up to yoru earlobes and all your hope between your teeth.'.  Holy shit.

Tell me.  Have you every heard anything that perfect.  Really.

So.  Freaking. Good.

12.10 a.m.
 (Monday morning..stupid internet wouldn't let me post this until now!!

1. Yourself: twirling (I love that discription..)
2. Your Lover: mine. beautiful. sleeping peacefully next to me.
3. Your Hair: short...wild
4. Your Mother: sincere, independent, unconditional
5. Your Father: insecure, absent, afraid
6. Your Favorite Item:  a framed finger paint art Em did when she was 3 
7. Your Dream Last Night: insignificant
8. Your Favorite Drink: Tequila
9. Your Dream Home: Full of love
10. The Room You Are In: Messy 
11. Your Pet: Both are curled on the bed
12. Who You Are Now: sleepy, content
13. Who You Want to be in Ten Years: happy.  content. 
15. What You Don't Wanna Be: regretful
16. Your Best Friend: Constant.
17. One of Your Wish List Items:  someone to do my laundry
18. Your Gender: neutral, unimportant, liberating, enslaving, beautiful
19. The Last Thing You Did: Ran my hand through my hair
20. What You Are Wearing: plaid pajama bottoms and a black tshirt
21. Your Favorite Weather: Snow
22. Your Favorite Book: Wicked
23. The Last Thing You Ate: *cough*maybetacobell
24. Your Life: trying, frightening, perfect, incomprehensable,frustrating, beautiful.
25. Your Mood: content...now if only i could sleep.
26. Your favorite store: Target
27. Your favorite sport: Writing   
28. Favorite place: under the stars 
29. Who do you miss right now: my kids.
30: Who did you get this survey from: Trinny.

Rachel took her sister to go see Young Frankenstein for her birthday, so I'm hanging out at home with my friend Lisa, watching season 4 of the L Word.
The first one. It's sad. And I love Shane. A lot. Not as much as my girlfriend..but you know. Still.

I'm going to play with my zune..and i'm trying to load pictures on myspace. But i'm on Rachels laptop (Lisa stole mine) and obviously Macs are smarter than me. Atleast right now.

Um. I thought I had more to say, but maybe I don't right now.

So, in order:

*worked almost 10 hours today. Alone. Tired.
*Ate yummy dinner with Lisa.
*Missed my girlfriend.
*Uploaded-ish some pictures.
*Getting ready to play with my Zune. (god, that sounds dirty)
*Feeling uninspired in creativity, hence this lame-ass post.

Ok. I think that sums it up. Here is one of the lameish pictures of me.

..............................Or maybe not. Because I can't make it upload. Because I don't understand this Mac. I wish my girlfriend was here to hide my lack of knowledge. *sigh*

Happy weekend, everyone.

I was just thinking..how would I describe my day...and one thing came to mind...

Twirling.

So how about you?  How would you describe your day in only one word?

Hope everyones doing well! 

Find me, passion
      in the blackest of light
where
I can touch something
more
than void or scorn
where
I can be enveloped
in exhales
and whisperd
secrets
that bring comfort
wrapped in moon-slivered
fear

Where
i can feel the deepest parts
of you, and
awaken
the songs you
sung softly in my ear,
in my heart
where
we composed dreams
and rewrote stories

Where
with my hand
threaded in strands of hair
and your fingers searching my
pulse
we found
more
than imagined
more
than bargained
when we
tangled
into
us

I'm so stressed out, I can hardly breathe.  I'm sitting at my desk, trying not to have a panic attack, or cry, or do something in any other way unprofessional.

I want someone to tell me it will be okay, and that my job is something I can do.  But I think I may just throw up anyway.

Not a good "Monday" for Jen.  Not good at all.

Tequila and I may make out later.  It's a really good kisser.

Here are a few pictures of my hair that I took last night.  It was still wet, so it's not the full effect, but still.  Rachel (who you should go visit..she has a xanga now!!) has a Apple Notebook that has this snazzy Photobooth feature.  And I love it.  Maybe i'm vain.

AND...I got my anniversary present.  Because Rachel spoils me, and I'm lucky.  And it's beautiful.  And cool.  And I love it.  Maybe I wore it to bed last night, because I'm still 10 years old.  Isn't it cool??!!  (This is where you say 'Yes', by the way..)

In other news, I had a root canal yesterday, which was two and a half hours long.  It sucked. Except she gave me two valum.  So at that point, I didn't really care if it sucked.  I just listened to my Zune, and relaxed, and it went by pretty fast.  Then I came home and slept for the afternoon.  Which wasn't so bad at all.

The excitement of my life, I tell ya.

Only now, I have another tooth that's hurting really bad.  So i think I'm going to go back today, if I can.  I mean, I might as well while I've got the balls..uh..I mean nerve, right?

So..that's all.  I hope you all have a funfreakingtastic day.

lovelovelove.

I love vicodine.  Not that I want to marry 'civil union' it or anything.  But there is love...oh, yes.  Love.

And I love my Zune, too.  It's pink, and perfect..and sings so beautifully to me Patty Griffin.

And my teeth don't hurt quite as bad right now. 

Good day?  ...oh, yes.  Could be worse.

There are times, when all seems right in the world.  Where you just know everything will be okay.  I wonder if this is how others feel most of the time.  Full of confidence that things always work out.  I worry.  It's a lovely Peterson trait.  I worry all the time.  But right now, I'm good.  Relaxed...and just...happy. 

But then again, maybe that's the vicodine talking. 

What is one good thing that has happened to you today??

Tell me.  It's fun.