I have no energy.  I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, and the tequila kicked my ass.  The thought of food makes me want to vomit.

I talked to her this morning.  It was a good talk.  She just no longer has romantic feels toward me..so why go on living a lie?  It hurts.  More than I can say.

I've started going through things.  Her books.  Her clothes.  I broke down when I picked up a sweatshirt that smelled like her.  How can I still love her so much, when she doesn't love me?  Life is truly unfair. 

There is still so much I want to do with her.  So much I want to say.  But i know it's too late.  And I know that it will be okay.  Eventually.

The house is quiet.  I'll stop crying..start feeling numb.  And then start again.  I can't stop smoking.  I just walk around the house like a zombie.  Maybe that's what I'll be for Halloween.

Her friend gave her a book about breaking up.  I guess this is something she's been thinking about for a while.  While I tried to bring us back, she was talking to her friends about breaking up with me.  I'm a real champ.  She wants to give me the book to help me through.  I wish she wasn't so amazing.  Because it would almost be better.  But she is.  She was perfect.  For me.  I just wasn't for her.  Strike 150.

Somehow, self loathing helps.  Today is my feel sorry for me day.  I can't get a hold of my best friend.  She's not answering her phone, or the texts or emails i've sent.  So i'm here alone, which is probably for the best.  I don't think anyone would want to be around me right now.

I lit a fire...because I can't get warm.  The shower is my comfort place...when i'm upset, or can't get warm...but it's not working.  I don't want to be comforted.  I just want her to come back.  And she won't.  She said she won't.  And she said she's sure.  I'm a begging idiot...trying to salvage something that is gone.

She wants to be in contact with the kids.  Be a part of their lives.  And although part of me wants to never see her again...wipe the last 10 months from my mind...I know that the kids would be devistated even more if she were to dissapear from their lives.  I don't want to lose her as a friend.  But I don't know how to be her friend, when I lover her so fucking much.  I know it will get easier, but I wish it would hurry up already.

I've become friends with a couple of her friends, and now I know i'll lose them too.  I've really never felt so alone in my entire life.  I mourn.  I mourn what I thought was a true and beautiful thing.  I mourn the life I thought we would lead together.  I ache.

And I know that most of you are going to get sick of reading all this sadness.  But I need to get it out..to process.  So this is where it will be.

Alone.  I'm alone again. 

My mom said I was intense, and a lot of people can't handle that.  But I can't apologize for feeling so much...i can't apologize for who I am.  I'm a poet, an artist.  I feel.  I live emotions.  I guess I'll just live them alone from now on.

Back to sifting through the ashes...I think I'll start in our bedroom..and get it over with first.

i feel like i'm left in memories.

I woke up in our bed.  I stepped over our clothes to get to the bathroom.  her shower gel, loofah, in the shower.  I walk into the kitchen and see our picture on the fridge.  I see her things.  Everywhere.

And it makes me so sad.  And mad.  Yes, there is definately anger coming to the surface.  Anger and her.  And at me.  Because I let her 'move in'...without really moving in.  She kept her place..that she can now go back to.  Take her stuff to.  Start over.  And i'm left here....in the ashes of us.  I have to live it.  I have to look around, and remember everything that happened in this house.  I have to explain to the kids it's just us again.  I have to somehow fill up the empty places and make it a home.  And make it full of love, and life, and fun...for them.  When really, I just want to throw everything away, and move.  Because the memories make me so fucking sad.

She said she would love me always.  She fucking lied.

And instead...i'm left...with her stuff everywhere...and my heart breaking.

Today, is going to suck.

I forgot what it was like to hurt this bad.  to feel like my whole body is breaking in two.

Even a lot of tequila doesn't help.  It just seems to make me sadder.

I keep thinking she's going to walk in the door, and kiss my neck the way she does, or curl around me, and tell me it was all just a fight.  I keep thinking she's going to tell me i'm amazing like she used to.  Or tell me how happy she is.  But instead, she keeps telling me she's sorry.  That she no longer feels the same.  That she can't..

And I have to try to think of a way to tell the kids...the woman who has become a parent.  Who james is SO SO very close to...is gone.  That she no longer will be here to tuck them in.  Or to kiss me in her sleep.  Or to read them stories.

The pain, is all but unbearable.  because i feel like I've not only failed myself, but my kids.  That what I thought would be for always, was only for less than a year.  I let her parent them.  I let her displine them...because I thought it was permanent.  I thought that she would be in their lives forever.  And now...now I need to tell them that she won't be.  That i fucked up again.  That i wasn't enough.  fuck.

The pain...the tears.  won't stop.  I thougth that being drunk would help, but it doesn't.  I miss her already.  I miss cuddling with her, and playing with her hair.  I miss the sound of her breathing.  I'm so fucking stupid. And it's over.  And I don't know if I can take much more.  If i can take this.  I'm overwhelmed with pain. fuck fuck fuck.

Note to self:  don't love.  do not love.  ever.

the end.  so so so very much the end.

She broke up with me.

I might die.

this is why i shouldn't have let myself fall in love again.  i'm so fucking stupid.

I've spent a lot of time thinking the last couple of days.  Mostly, because I tore a calf muscle on Tuesday night, and have been laid up, and will be laid up..for the next couple of days.  How did I do it?  I was skipping with Emily.  Because i'm a dork.  It hurt..yes, yes it did.  But when you're dating someone who shattered her pelvis and had a hip replacement, it's hard to whine too much.  So I try not to.  The vicodine helps numb it...and the worry of not getting paid for the next couple of days.  Forced vacation.  On the couch.  Woo hoo!

So..choices.  I've been so freaking uptight for months now.  Because I worry about absolutly everything. (Thanks, Dad).  And I miss me.  The funny me, the witty me.  The me that laughs at everything, and smiles a lot.  Life has a way of dragging you down.  Work, kids, home, dinner, laundry, dishes.  Until I feel like I'm walking through my life, no..running through my life, waiting for it to all come crashing down.  So I overcompensate.  I try *so* hard to make sure everyone is happy (because if I try hard enough, people will love me, right?), and I'm doing everything I can, and being the best I can be, and hoping for validation, and acceptance, and love.  Now, I know we all do this...and it's just...fucking tiring.  

So, I've decided to stop.  Not stop being good, or living with truth and integrity, which I promised myself after my divorce I would do.  Instead, I've made the choice to let go.  Atleast make an attempt.  I'm emotional.  I run so much on emotions, on feelings. And I feed off others emotions, and feelings.  This is good...and this is bad.

I place way too much of my self worth on what others think of me.  I place way to much of my attitude on what others feel.  I'm like a sponge, soaking up emotions that arn't mine.  It's great that I can be in tune...but c'mon.  And here is the thing:  mentally, I know...I KNOW that I'm pretty fucking amazing.  I know that I'm smart, and caring, and compassionate, and funny.  I know that I'm a good mother, a good girlfriend, a good person.  i know that even if I suck at any of the formentioned things, that's okay, because I'm me, and making mistakes is okay.  I know I have good intentions, and a good soul.  But if you don't like me.  If I hurt you.  If i feel rejected...all those thoughts go out the window.  And I spiral, not sure why or what I did to make that person pull away, or reject, or hurt, or hate. 

That is so very self evolved, isn't it? 

What I need to do is....well, a few things:  1.  Realize not everything is my fault, or has to do with me.  2.  Love myself more.  3.  Stop trying so much  4. Smile more  5.  Think about things for a while before speaking.  6.  Speak carefully and honestly.  7.  Embrace my emotions, instead of hating them  8.  Get involved in things outside my house, my kids and my girlfriend   9.  Trust.  Because even if I have doubts about things, because of my past....I need to trust to negate the constant worry, the constant fear. 10.  work on allowing myself to feel vulnerable. 11.  stop apologizing for everything, even if it's not my fault.  12.  Seek reassurance inside myself, instead of from others 

So...how do I love myself, while being selfless.  How do I let go, and take control.  How do I learn not to not expect so much out of myself, and others, without becoming resentful.  I think these are tough questions.  But ones that need to be lived.

A quote that struck me recently:

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. (Rainer Maria Rilke)

I want to grow.  I want to learn, and be a better person.  I want to feel comfortable walking into a room full of people by myself, instead of having a panic attack.  I want to live a life of truth, and beauty, and discovery.  I want to dance in the kitchen, and play in the rain.  I want to love life again.  I want to be relevent.

I want to be me.  And I want to be proud of myself, instead of hoping to make others proud.

that's all.  but maybe that's enough.

Crap.

I was just reminded that my mom reads this...(which is GREAT!) except i forgot, so I left a stupid post about giving up.  You know...life just gets to be a lot sometimes...and when I say giving up, maybe I just mean for the day.  Or even for a few days, just to store energy up again, and feel like I am grounded somewhere again.  I don't know if that makes sense....but yeah.

So she called all concerned, and now I feel like a jerk.  So I'll remember that, and give detail...(i know, i know!).  And I'll also start writing more on here, and giving real updates...even if only just for her.  When I get stressed, I go away.  I'll try not to go completely away anymore.

Try, being the key word there....

Okay, that's it for now.  I'm going to go clean the kitchen.  Because you all know how much I *love* that.  Ugh.

xoxo

I give up.

And pretty stressed, hence the MIA on here.  When I get stressed out, I tend to implode a little, and only talk to those people who are in my everyday life...mostly.

Things are ok..just working insanely, and dealing with 'inside' issues, like trust, truth, love, and acceptance..

You know, those things that tend to lead to insecurity, and general whiney-ness.

Rachel, I'm sure loves it.

But i'm trying to get out of it, and just focus on the positive.  I hate it when I act like my father, and worry about everything.  I swear...I was always afraid I would marry him.  I never knew I would become him.  Ugh.

Love love love.  I'll be back as soon as I can.  I miss everyone..and I read, I just am ....quiet.

xo.
j

I'm having one of those days...where i'm afraid. 

Of everything, everyone.  One of those days where the world sits on my shoulders, and that expansive, overwhelming feeling of life threatens to consume me.

I know that tomorrow will be better.  And i know I'll feel this way again.  Cycles, stages, ebb and flow.  But right now...I'm simply afraid..

and I just want to be held, have my hair played with, and hear whispered reassurances against my temple.

But instead...I'll do laundry, and clean...because the world doesn't stop, just because i wish it would.  Even for just a little while.

By a lot.

Like..i want to sleep forever.  Wake me up, dammit.