It sucks, hurting someones feelings when you've just met them.    I feel like a jerk.

Really, tell me what a jerk I am, because it's true.  Girls freak me out.

The end.

last couple posts are protected...let me know if you want to see them.  (you're not missing a whole lot though..promise)

xo

p.s.  girls are persistant.  And a little stalky. Awkward day today.  ugh.

It's strange, in our lives...how the ending of something, can take us back to the beginning.  The feelings that were there, the start of soemthing that became...something.

This poem...bitter and sweet for me. And I love it now.  Like I loved it then.  Even though now... I live it.

Study of Absences
by Letitia Trent

1.
The burglars slit open Christmas gifts,
impatient as children. Appliances were ripped
from the walls so hastily cords trailed
from sockets with their wiry guts
frayed out, plastic skins burst.

I inspect the squares of grime where things once stood,
the bugs and dust are collected like shadows
cut loose from their substance.

2.
I hear my feet slapping solo
on the cold linoleum. Coffee settles in the press. I can't drink
it without you, the effort echoes old paths of movement; coffee
to table to kitchen, hands from cutlery to your forehead,
to your slick hairline, to your sticky eyelids. My body
must learn new directions, break the old
deference your absence renders unnecessary.
I set a glass of milk down, and though alone,
cross my ankles at the knee.

I admit, you bent my bones into new angles,
and I cannot stand to break
the bad knits
and take the itch
of the body stitching
them straight again.

3.
As you walk away I watch you receding,
watch the dark nestle deep in your ribs and the dips
in your shoulders, watch it clamber over your back
and swathe your flesh like a sweater. Now
you are lost in the dark of distance.

All little movements echo the big ones.
Time is the shadow clawing up your ribcage,
it is static that blooms between us.

***********************************************************************

Backsliding...

sucks.  I know I shouldn't talk to her.  I know it.  But I do.  I know I shouldn't have missed her last night, but I did.

We had so much fun trick or treating.  And the kids, especially James, because he was so funny in his lion costume, was a complete crack up.  And I would laugh, and turn to look at her...to share that fleeting moment with her...

And she wouldn't be there.

I know it was my decision for her not to come.  But she chose to not be in this 'family' anymore...and I just thought it would be too painful.  But god, I totally missed her. 

I seem to be running the gammet of emotions today.  Saddness, fear, anger, bitterness, numbness, saddness again.  For a bit I'll think i'm okay...then I'll just be so sad.  That's what last night did to me.  Jesus.  I don't want to be this person.  I'm not this person any more.  She doesn't love me.  She doesn't love me.  Get the hint already, huh Jen?  I wish I didn't have so much optimism with everyfuckingthing.  Maybe then I would find that hint.

And I'm becoming even more lame.  I'm listening to songs, and trying not to cry.  I'm thinking of sending her lyrics.  I KNOW she doesn't want to get them.  Duh.  She doesn't care.  Duh.  But it's hard not to...not to think if she only KNEW how much I loved her, she'd change her mind.  But...I think I may have made that pretty clear with all the crying and begging.  I'm stubborn like that.  And apparently very classey, as well.  *snort*

So instead I'll just...not.  And I'll silently hate her, and love her.  And get over it.  Right?

I've begun remembering all the crappy things.  All the things that make me angry.  But it hasn't quite trumped all the things that made me love her.  So I guess I'll keep thinking.

Umm..............my new hair:

It's freaking me out a little.  I like it, but it's *so* different, that I'll look in the mirror, and it will take a minute to compute that it's really me.  It's kind of uncomfortable.  But good.  The Fedex guy (ha!) today told me I looked "sensual and open".  I'm not sure what the open meant, but it was kind of nice.  Even if somewhat uncomfortable.

I think that's all for tonight..maybe.  I'm going to go sing to the babies.

So, I'm getting there.  No, I really am.  I didn't take a 'I no longer love her pill', but I've come out of the emotional shock enough to know that it's going to be okay.

Mostly, because after the shock...I've realized she's been unhappy for a while, and I've busted my ass to try to fix it.  And so I'm tired.  It's nice to take care of two instead of three.  She's been gone for a long time.  She just finally left.

Emily is still upset, but I reminded her that we haven't 'had fun' in months.  That it's been kind of crappy, actually...and it's better this way.  She agreed....and then got ready for crazy hair day.  I think I may have got a picture of her hiding behind the door in the bathroom before she  put on a hat.  I thought she looked great, but she was too embarrassed.  She's already a teenager, and she's only 7.  Help me.

I talked to Rachel last night.  Okay, I typed to her, since she doesn't answer phones.  Even for little kids.  I told her it wasn't a good idea for her to come tonight for Trick or Treating.  I just think it's too soon.  I've stopped crying, and I don't want to be that person anymore...the one who is always trying to get her to love me.  Game over.  So hopefully later we'll be able to get her together with the kids...I know they'd like that...but just not yet.  I can't do it.  I just..can't.

I ate last night.  It was good.  I had friends over, and we all carved pumkins, and ran around, and danced, and it was good.  I felt like the house was full of life again.  I missed it. 

Today, I'm cleaning more.  I think.  I'm not sure i'm in that place yet where I can work on my bedroom.  There is still sadness there.  But the living room is feeling good.  Except i'm going to miss her TV when she takes it.  A lot.

I'm thinking i'm going to put in some protective posts.  You know, stuff that my mom doesn't need to read about how pissy I am about the whole thing.  If you're on my sub list, you should be able to see.  If not, hit me up.  Yo.

Oh.  And I decided *I'm* breaking up with Tequila.  Not that I had to have it or anything, but I just feel like the relationship isn't going to work....

Have a great day everyone...I'm going to.  (try)

xoxo
j

OH!  And I'm getting my hair done today.  Now, I KNOW I don't have any money, but she's my friend, too ...so she'll take a post dated check..and she'll just come over here this afternoon.  Which is awesome.  I'll post some pictures of last night, and you can see the before of the hair...(and the roots) and then I'll post some of the after....(And I'll post some pictures of the kids for my mommy)...

I kjnow i'm not looking all that hot...but I just got dumped, so be nice.

(This is where you tell me it's her loss, too, by the way)

xoxo

My journal, I've decided has become my friend.  My friends don't need to hear about how sad I am..and you, as a reader, can just hit that little box up in the corner, if you want..without having to actually come up with an excute to hang up the phone.  And I'm not calling her, or texting her.

More good news.  I'm 100 bucks overdrawn in my checking account, because they decided to take out my car insurance, instead of waiting.  I guess I hadn't realized i'd done that.  More good news-they are turning off my power tomorrow.  because I haven't paid.  more good news-I don't have the gas to go get Emily from school...and make it back.  I was going to go to the gas station on the way to get her.  So I get to walk and get her.  And figure out how to get out of this mess.  Maybe paying for the HRC dinner wasn't such a hot idea.  But I owed her money, So there you go.

Now, however, I'm completely fucked.  It's good times.  And to make it worse, my friend said 'it's okay, we'll take care of it, and i'll just stay at your house a couple of nights, so I won't have to worry about commuting to work and you can just use that gas".  Which is incredibly sweet, except she WANTS to stay the night, and maybe like, every night.  And it's sooo uncomfortable.  Like Emily said: No one but Rachel will ever live here again.  It was sweet, and probably not true, but I couldn't find it in me to argue with her (because i want to beleive it, too...that she'll be back).  I just want friends, not a replacement, not a date.  I just want her.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd on I go.

Edit:  I have incredible friends.  My friend stopped by to check on me on her lunch break.  And she walked in to me writing this post.  And insisted I use her gas card to get gas, and whatever else I needed to get me through.  And I wrote her a check for Friday when I get paid.  So now, I only have to worry about power.   Seriously...it's someone who I haven't been close to lately, maybe because i've been focusing so much of my life and my attention on trying to be perfect for a woman who doesn't love me anymore.  Friends are awesome.  And forgiving.  And really really....good.

I have cool kids.

Emily is so accepting, and loyal, and sweet.  James is just good.  He is James the Good.  The sweetest, the best little boy in the universe.

We are watching the backyardigans now...monster mash, I think it's my new favorite. 

I haven't eaten yet, except one taco yesterday (which makes me laugh a lot on the inside).  But I slept last night.  7 hours. When I went to bed, Emily was there, curled up on Rachels side of the bed, sleeping.  It was so sad.  She said she doesn't know if she can go a 'whole' two weeks without Rachel living with us.  I told her in might be longer than two weeks.  It might be always.  I just feel like I need to be honest with them, prepare them as well.

 This morning, I feel better.  Not the kind of better where I feel like taking on the world, but the kind of better where i'm not crying every 15 seconds.  Hey, that's a start.

I don't know what else to say.  I'm numb now.  She hasn't talked to me, called me.  I don't know what I expected.  I feel like I'm going through detox.  It's weird.  I guess I didn't mean all that much to her, as she easily walked away.  Wrap me in styrafome and call me disposable.

I'm off to start cleaning.  maybe.  Maybe I'll just watch the backyardigans with James for a while.

I hope everyone has a great day!  xo

I think we made it through the evening.  Kind of.  I'm afraid for bed time.  Reading, songs, ...it's just so hard.  It's something that I loved with her.

The kids melted as soon as I got them.  Emily cried.  I let her leave a VM.  And James.  Because she said they could.  It was so sad.  Emily keeps saying she'll be back soon.  I wish I could beleive her.  I want to.  I haven't cried since around 3:15 today.  high five.  It was hard not to..with Emily crying so hard...just sobbing.  And James..who last night I thought didn't get it, crying so hard for her that he threw up.  I just feel so helpless.  I'm here with the fall out.

We had pizza.  And are watching a favorite movie, because apparently we can't watch the Backyardigans without Rachel yet.  "Because she would be mad if she missed it".  I think I have them calmed down mostly.  And I've become a little angry.  Just because they love her so much...and I can't do a damn thing.  Helpless.  Suck.

I wonder if she's thinking of us, if she misses us.  But I won't call her.  I won't text her.  I asked her to take two weeks.  I asked her to miss us.  I need to give her that space.  I cling, because I love.  But with that cling comes the smother factor.  Which I rock in.  I'm trying to stop that.  If it's meant to work out, it will.

She gave me a book, that I promised I'd read. "It's called a break up because it's broken" Or something like that.  And i've read three chapters.  And I feel like that sad person...who is holding on to something when she doesn't WANT it.  (and who wouldn't want this family...I have a hard time understanding that...).  But I just can't buy that it's broken, when a month ago she was telling me how happy she was that I was hers.  Don't freaking get it.  And I fight for what I beleive in.  So...here I am.  Silently (or not so silently) fighting.

And maybe i'm wearing her shirt.  Because I'm that sad.  Shit.

She promised the kids Halloween.  That she'd go trick or treating with us.  And I know she will.  And I know that it will be hard..but good for them to see that she's still around.  And I'll be good.  And not cry.  And carry on. 

So...yeah.  I'll hope for the best, believe in the best.  And prepare for the worst.  But...I've always thought the worst would happen.  My life consists of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Which means it will...because I expect it.  I'm a pesimistic idealist.  And maybe a little crazy.  Fun.

I dont' know if it's wrong to beleive.  Or not.  But I do.  I just don't feel like this is over.  Maybe in a month, I'll look back at this and say "God, I really didn't have a freaking clue".  I don't know.  I just have to go with my heart, and my intuition, and my beleif that we fit.

We told the kids.  Emily cried..but was okay...she really was.  James doesn't get it.  He just wants her to be here for Halloween.

She took her clothes this morning, but nothing else.  She said she'd give it a couple weeks, before taking everything..just to make sure.  I know she's doing it to make it easier on me.  Which is really sweet.  Maybe I just think with space, she'll realize how much she misses and needs us...and come home.  She stayed the night last night.  She held me while I cried, and let me fall asleep in comfort.  She's sweet.  She is worried about me because I can't eat.  But maybe this will help me lose weight.    I'm atleast having protien shakes.  And I know there is some nutrients in tequila, right?  I'm sure of it.

This would be easier if she wasn't amazing.  If I didn't see a future with her.  If I didn't feel like home when I'm with her.

I go to work today.  Again.  And I hope today I don't suck as bad as I did yesterday.  Because yesterday I sucked a lot at work.  Maybe I'll even try for a little make up.  So I don't look so much like a zombie.  That's for Wednesday.

Mornings suck.

When I wake up, and turn to her, and she's not there like she has been for month and months.  When I wake and the haze wears off,and I realize shes not just up early watching TV...shes fucking gone.

I went out last night.  Got hit on a lot.  Met a cute girl from Jersey who i'll probaby go have coffee with soon.  But I had to let her know right away, that I'm in love with someone, and that she'll be an awsome friend, but no more..because my heart is so fucked.  I'm out, I'm dancing, and all i wanted was to be home with her.  I text her (because i'm drunk and stupid) and she tells me to have a good time.  I don't know why that makes it so much worse.  Maybe I want her to see the value in me.  Maybe I want her to get sick to her stomach at the thought of another person touching me.  But she wants me to have a good time.  That is so fucking shitty.

And I wonder, I do, althoug she denies it...is there isn't someone else.  She's been able to make a pretty clean break....she's able to walk away from everything we build just like 'that'.  No conversations, except in the last hour our our relationship, and that was mostly me beggeing, and her saying 'I'm sorry', and a lot of "I don't know".  It just feels so fucking sudden.  And today she comes and gets her stuff, and I work.  Tonight, I tell the kids, and deal with their greif (which pisses me off more than anything else).  Thanks a lot.  Thanks a whole fucking lot.

I just want her to come home.  and I want everything to be okay again. I really really do.  I hate that I love her.  And I hate that I miss her.
I still hurt like she just walked out the door.  How much time do I have to give it?  I can't take this pain.  fuck.