November 29, 2007

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    So...i know..i suck at the update..and when I do update, it seems like i'm more screwed up in the head than normal.  Which is why i try to get it on paper.

    I've decided it's too soon to date.  It must be.  Because H. (girl I've been casually dating for a few weeks) came over for dinner last night..ended up staying the night.  Which was fine. What wasn't fine, is that i totally wanted her out.  I couldn't sleep with her.  I didn't let her touch me.  And it screws with me.  SO cute,  funny, blah blah.  And I really have decided that i don't like her like that.  I want to be her friend.  I like the idea of dating her..but the implimentation blows.  I keep thinking about Rachel.  And comparing,  Which isn't fair to her.  Or to me, really. 

    So..probably Saturday (because we already have a double date scheduled for Friday) I'm going to let her know I TOTALLY want to be her friend, but not more than that.  I feel like a jerk.  And I don't get me.  She's cute, and nice, and all of that.  And there is no connection.  Maybe it's too soon.  I know it's too soon.  Maybe I thought if I just jumped back on the horse i'd stop hurting so bad.  But instead it's just making me hurt worse, and be more confused.

    I've had two panic attacks today. TWO.  And I couldn't figure out why till I went home and took some time for just me.  Then I realized that I'm screwing with myself too much.  That I feel like I cheated on Rachel..(which of course i didn't...) I think things will become clearer once i'm just...alone.  Maybe.  But I can't do this dating thing right now.  It's annoying me.

    Maybe i keep hoping she'll change her mind and decide she loves me afterall.  I don't know.  I just know that i don't want my life like it is right now.  That's for sure.

Comments (5)

  •  you'll feel better once you confront this, but yeah i know how you feel.

     yesterday was a blast we have to do that regularly. I'll get you addicted to the gingerbread lattes too ;)

    oh hey what was that sight you were talking about sending me a link to?

  • When there's no connection, there's "no connection." And I think that's OK. I believe we create ourselves a world of hurt when we allow ourselves to "fill in the gaps" with someone... in the guise of "I really SHOULD like this rather wonderful person, why does the thought of kissing her make me feel nauseous?"

    I was reading someone else's blah-g earlier... and was commenting on how sometimes it just takes periods of being ALONE to redefine not only ourselves, but also what we want "a relationship" to mean. Maybe that's what the ostensible "gurus" mean when they talk about working on our relationship with ourselves....

  • Hey, you're a good person. You're just going through a hard time and you do the best you can as you learn more. I think Denmark guy is right on target. Take are.

  • You really do need some you time. Just give yourself some room to breathe. It's something you have to feel right doing. You'll figure this out.

    Have a nice weekend.

  • ryc: yeah i get what you are saying. thats the cool thing that i am learning. submission means different things to different people.

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