November 1, 2007

  • Backsliding...

     

    sucks.  I know I shouldn't talk to her.  I know it.  But I do.  I know I shouldn't have missed her last night, but I did.

    We had so much fun trick or treating.  And the kids, especially James, because he was so funny in his lion costume, was a complete crack up.  And I would laugh, and turn to look at her...to share that fleeting moment with her...

    And she wouldn't be there.

    I know it was my decision for her not to come.  But she chose to not be in this 'family' anymore...and I just thought it would be too painful.  But god, I totally missed her. 

    I seem to be running the gammet of emotions today.  Saddness, fear, anger, bitterness, numbness, saddness again.  For a bit I'll think i'm okay...then I'll just be so sad.  That's what last night did to me.  Jesus.  I don't want to be this person.  I'm not this person any more.  She doesn't love me.  She doesn't love me.  Get the hint already, huh Jen?  I wish I didn't have so much optimism with everyfuckingthing.  Maybe then I would find that hint.

    And I'm becoming even more lame.  I'm listening to songs, and trying not to cry.  I'm thinking of sending her lyrics.  I KNOW she doesn't want to get them.  Duh.  She doesn't care.  Duh.  But it's hard not to...not to think if she only KNEW how much I loved her, she'd change her mind.  But...I think I may have made that pretty clear with all the crying and begging.  I'm stubborn like that.  And apparently very classey, as well.  *snort*

    So instead I'll just...not.  And I'll silently hate her, and love her.  And get over it.  Right?

    I've begun remembering all the crappy things.  All the things that make me angry.  But it hasn't quite trumped all the things that made me love her.  So I guess I'll keep thinking.

     

    Umm..............my new hair:

     

     

    Halloween2 027  

     

     

    It's freaking me out a little.  I like it, but it's *so* different, that I'll look in the mirror, and it will take a minute to compute that it's really me.  It's kind of uncomfortable.  But good.  The Fedex guy (ha!) today told me I looked "sensual and open".  I'm not sure what the open meant, but it was kind of nice.  Even if somewhat uncomfortable.

     

    I think that's all for tonight..maybe.  I'm going to go sing to the babies.

     

     

     

     

Comments (3)

  • i like the hair very sexy.

    grief is a process and not a linear one. it would be so much easier if we could just move through the steps one at a time and reach the finish line and then poof we're done no more sorrow or pain. unfortunately its a meandering never know what your gonna feel around every corner journey. your beautiful, and vibrant simply because you are. and brave for being so open to feeling your way through this.

  • oh my goodness.  Your hair is dark!  And it looks great.  :)  

    I know it's so cliche to say this, but I think you just need time.  People always say "give it time" and you'll feel differently.  And it's so true.  You have to remember that things ended for a reason.  You deserve someone who will return the same amount of love to you as you give. 

  • You're not backsliding. You're moving on in your own way. Getting over someone isn't a straight line, not for you, not for me, not for most people. Be easy on yourself.

    And your hair looks great.

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