I've spent a lot of time thinking the last couple of days.  Mostly, because I tore a calf muscle on Tuesday night, and have been laid up, and will be laid up..for the next couple of days.  How did I do it?  I was skipping with Emily.  Because i'm a dork.  It hurt..yes, yes it did.  But when you're dating someone who shattered her pelvis and had a hip replacement, it's hard to whine too much.  So I try not to.  The vicodine helps numb it...and the worry of not getting paid for the next couple of days.  Forced vacation.  On the couch.  Woo hoo!

So..choices.  I've been so freaking uptight for months now.  Because I worry about absolutly everything. (Thanks, Dad).  And I miss me.  The funny me, the witty me.  The me that laughs at everything, and smiles a lot.  Life has a way of dragging you down.  Work, kids, home, dinner, laundry, dishes.  Until I feel like I'm walking through my life, no..running through my life, waiting for it to all come crashing down.  So I overcompensate.  I try *so* hard to make sure everyone is happy (because if I try hard enough, people will love me, right?), and I'm doing everything I can, and being the best I can be, and hoping for validation, and acceptance, and love.  Now, I know we all do this...and it's just...fucking tiring.  

So, I've decided to stop.  Not stop being good, or living with truth and integrity, which I promised myself after my divorce I would do.  Instead, I've made the choice to let go.  Atleast make an attempt.  I'm emotional.  I run so much on emotions, on feelings. And I feed off others emotions, and feelings.  This is good...and this is bad.

I place way too much of my self worth on what others think of me.  I place way to much of my attitude on what others feel.  I'm like a sponge, soaking up emotions that arn't mine.  It's great that I can be in tune...but c'mon.  And here is the thing:  mentally, I know...I KNOW that I'm pretty fucking amazing.  I know that I'm smart, and caring, and compassionate, and funny.  I know that I'm a good mother, a good girlfriend, a good person.  i know that even if I suck at any of the formentioned things, that's okay, because I'm me, and making mistakes is okay.  I know I have good intentions, and a good soul.  But if you don't like me.  If I hurt you.  If i feel rejected...all those thoughts go out the window.  And I spiral, not sure why or what I did to make that person pull away, or reject, or hurt, or hate. 

That is so very self evolved, isn't it? 

What I need to do is....well, a few things:  1.  Realize not everything is my fault, or has to do with me.  2.  Love myself more.  3.  Stop trying so much  4. Smile more  5.  Think about things for a while before speaking.  6.  Speak carefully and honestly.  7.  Embrace my emotions, instead of hating them  8.  Get involved in things outside my house, my kids and my girlfriend   9.  Trust.  Because even if I have doubts about things, because of my past....I need to trust to negate the constant worry, the constant fear. 10.  work on allowing myself to feel vulnerable. 11.  stop apologizing for everything, even if it's not my fault.  12.  Seek reassurance inside myself, instead of from others 

So...how do I love myself, while being selfless.  How do I let go, and take control.  How do I learn not to not expect so much out of myself, and others, without becoming resentful.  I think these are tough questions.  But ones that need to be lived.

A quote that struck me recently:

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. (Rainer Maria Rilke)

I want to grow.  I want to learn, and be a better person.  I want to feel comfortable walking into a room full of people by myself, instead of having a panic attack.  I want to live a life of truth, and beauty, and discovery.  I want to dance in the kitchen, and play in the rain.  I want to love life again.  I want to be relevent.

I want to be me.  And I want to be proud of myself, instead of hoping to make others proud.

that's all.  but maybe that's enough.

Crap.

I was just reminded that my mom reads this...(which is GREAT!) except i forgot, so I left a stupid post about giving up.  You know...life just gets to be a lot sometimes...and when I say giving up, maybe I just mean for the day.  Or even for a few days, just to store energy up again, and feel like I am grounded somewhere again.  I don't know if that makes sense....but yeah.

So she called all concerned, and now I feel like a jerk.  So I'll remember that, and give detail...(i know, i know!).  And I'll also start writing more on here, and giving real updates...even if only just for her.  When I get stressed, I go away.  I'll try not to go completely away anymore.

Try, being the key word there....

Okay, that's it for now.  I'm going to go clean the kitchen.  Because you all know how much I *love* that.  Ugh.

xoxo

I give up.

And pretty stressed, hence the MIA on here.  When I get stressed out, I tend to implode a little, and only talk to those people who are in my everyday life...mostly.

Things are ok..just working insanely, and dealing with 'inside' issues, like trust, truth, love, and acceptance..

You know, those things that tend to lead to insecurity, and general whiney-ness.

Rachel, I'm sure loves it.

But i'm trying to get out of it, and just focus on the positive.  I hate it when I act like my father, and worry about everything.  I swear...I was always afraid I would marry him.  I never knew I would become him.  Ugh.

Love love love.  I'll be back as soon as I can.  I miss everyone..and I read, I just am ....quiet.

xo.
j