October 29, 2007

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  I think we made it through the evening.  Kind of.  I'm afraid for bed time.  Reading, songs, ...it's just so hard.  It's something that I loved with her.

  The kids melted as soon as I got them.  Emily cried.  I let her leave a VM.  And James.  Because she said they could.  It was so sad.  Emily keeps saying she'll be back soon.  I wish I could beleive her.  I want to.  I haven't cried since around 3:15 today.  high five.  It was hard not to..with Emily crying so hard...just sobbing.  And James..who last night I thought didn't get it, crying so hard for her that he threw up.  I just feel so helpless.  I'm here with the fall out.

  We had pizza.  And are watching a favorite movie, because apparently we can't watch the Backyardigans without Rachel yet.  "Because she would be mad if she missed it".  I think I have them calmed down mostly.  And I've become a little angry.  Just because they love her so much...and I can't do a damn thing.  Helpless.  Suck.

  I wonder if she's thinking of us, if she misses us.  But I won't call her.  I won't text her.  I asked her to take two weeks.  I asked her to miss us.  I need to give her that space.  I cling, because I love.  But with that cling comes the smother factor.  Which I rock in.  I'm trying to stop that.  If it's meant to work out, it will.

  She gave me a book, that I promised I'd read. "It's called a break up because it's broken" Or something like that.  And i've read three chapters.  And I feel like that sad person...who is holding on to something when she doesn't WANT it.  (and who wouldn't want this family...I have a hard time understanding that...).  But I just can't buy that it's broken, when a month ago she was telling me how happy she was that I was hers.  Don't freaking get it.  And I fight for what I beleive in.  So...here I am.  Silently (or not so silently) fighting.

  And maybe i'm wearing her shirt.  Because I'm that sad.  Shit.

  She promised the kids Halloween.  That she'd go trick or treating with us.  And I know she will.  And I know that it will be hard..but good for them to see that she's still around.  And I'll be good.  And not cry.  And carry on. 

  So...yeah.  I'll hope for the best, believe in the best.  And prepare for the worst.  But...I've always thought the worst would happen.  My life consists of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Which means it will...because I expect it.  I'm a pesimistic idealist.  And maybe a little crazy.  Fun.

   

   

   

  • 10:52 pm
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