October 28, 2007

  • Mornings suck.

     

    When I wake up, and turn to her, and she's not there like she has been for month and months.  When I wake and the haze wears off,and I realize shes not just up early watching TV...shes fucking gone.

    I went out last night.  Got hit on a lot.  Met a cute girl from Jersey who i'll probaby go have coffee with soon.  But I had to let her know right away, that I'm in love with someone, and that she'll be an awsome friend, but no more..because my heart is so fucked.  I'm out, I'm dancing, and all i wanted was to be home with her.  I text her (because i'm drunk and stupid) and she tells me to have a good time.  I don't know why that makes it so much worse.  Maybe I want her to see the value in me.  Maybe I want her to get sick to her stomach at the thought of another person touching me.  But she wants me to have a good time.  That is so fucking shitty.

    And I wonder, I do, althoug she denies it...is there isn't someone else.  She's been able to make a pretty clean break....she's able to walk away from everything we build just like 'that'.  No conversations, except in the last hour our our relationship, and that was mostly me beggeing, and her saying 'I'm sorry', and a lot of "I don't know".  It just feels so fucking sudden.  And today she comes and gets her stuff, and I work.  Tonight, I tell the kids, and deal with their greif (which pisses me off more than anything else).  Thanks a lot.  Thanks a whole fucking lot.

    I just want her to come home.  and I want everything to be okay again. I really really do.  I hate that I love her.  And I hate that I miss her.
    I still hurt like she just walked out the door.  How much time do I have to give it?  I can't take this pain.  fuck.