October 27, 2007

• I have no energy.  I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, and the tequila kicked my ass.  The thought of food makes me want to vomit.

  I talked to her this morning.  It was a good talk.  She just no longer has romantic feels toward me..so why go on living a lie?  It hurts.  More than I can say.

  I've started going through things.  Her books.  Her clothes.  I broke down when I picked up a sweatshirt that smelled like her.  How can I still love her so much, when she doesn't love me?  Life is truly unfair. 

  There is still so much I want to do with her.  So much I want to say.  But i know it's too late.  And I know that it will be okay.  Eventually.

  The house is quiet.  I'll stop crying..start feeling numb.  And then start again.  I can't stop smoking.  I just walk around the house like a zombie.  Maybe that's what I'll be for Halloween.

  Her friend gave her a book about breaking up.  I guess this is something she's been thinking about for a while.  While I tried to bring us back, she was talking to her friends about breaking up with me.  I'm a real champ.  She wants to give me the book to help me through.  I wish she wasn't so amazing.  Because it would almost be better.  But she is.  She was perfect.  For me.  I just wasn't for her.  Strike 150.

  Somehow, self loathing helps.  Today is my feel sorry for me day.  I can't get a hold of my best friend.  She's not answering her phone, or the texts or emails i've sent.  So i'm here alone, which is probably for the best.  I don't think anyone would want to be around me right now.

  I lit a fire...because I can't get warm.  The shower is my comfort place...when i'm upset, or can't get warm...but it's not working.  I don't want to be comforted.  I just want her to come back.  And she won't.  She said she won't.  And she said she's sure.  I'm a begging idiot...trying to salvage something that is gone.

  She wants to be in contact with the kids.  Be a part of their lives.  And although part of me wants to never see her again...wipe the last 10 months from my mind...I know that the kids would be devistated even more if she were to dissapear from their lives.  I don't want to lose her as a friend.  But I don't know how to be her friend, when I lover her so fucking much.  I know it will get easier, but I wish it would hurry up already.

  I've become friends with a couple of her friends, and now I know i'll lose them too.  I've really never felt so alone in my entire life.  I mourn.  I mourn what I thought was a true and beautiful thing.  I mourn the life I thought we would lead together.  I ache.

  And I know that most of you are going to get sick of reading all this sadness.  But I need to get it out..to process.  So this is where it will be.

  Alone.  I'm alone again. 

  My mom said I was intense, and a lot of people can't handle that.  But I can't apologize for feeling so much...i can't apologize for who I am.  I'm a poet, an artist.  I feel.  I live emotions.  I guess I'll just live them alone from now on.

   

  Back to sifting through the ashes...I think I'll start in our bedroom..and get it over with first.

  • 1:42 pm
  • 3 Comments