October 26, 2007

• I forgot what it was like to hurt this bad.  to feel like my whole body is breaking in two.

   

  Even a lot of tequila doesn't help.  It just seems to make me sadder.

  I keep thinking she's going to walk in the door, and kiss my neck the way she does, or curl around me, and tell me it was all just a fight.  I keep thinking she's going to tell me i'm amazing like she used to.  Or tell me how happy she is.  But instead, she keeps telling me she's sorry.  That she no longer feels the same.  That she can't..

  And I have to try to think of a way to tell the kids...the woman who has become a parent.  Who james is SO SO very close to...is gone.  That she no longer will be here to tuck them in.  Or to kiss me in her sleep.  Or to read them stories.

  The pain, is all but unbearable.  because i feel like I've not only failed myself, but my kids.  That what I thought would be for always, was only for less than a year.  I let her parent them.  I let her displine them...because I thought it was permanent.  I thought that she would be in their lives forever.  And now...now I need to tell them that she won't be.  That i fucked up again.  That i wasn't enough.  fuck.

  The pain...the tears.  won't stop.  I thougth that being drunk would help, but it doesn't.  I miss her already.  I miss cuddling with her, and playing with her hair.  I miss the sound of her breathing.  I'm so fucking stupid. And it's over.  And I don't know if I can take much more.  If i can take this.  I'm overwhelmed with pain. fuck fuck fuck.

  Note to self:  don't love.  do not love.  ever.

   

  the end.  so so so very much the end.

  • 10:53 pm
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