So, I'm getting there.  No, I really am.  I didn't take a 'I no longer love her pill', but I've come out of the emotional shock enough to know that it's going to be okay.

Mostly, because after the shock...I've realized she's been unhappy for a while, and I've busted my ass to try to fix it.  And so I'm tired.  It's nice to take care of two instead of three.  She's been gone for a long time.  She just finally left.

Emily is still upset, but I reminded her that we haven't 'had fun' in months.  That it's been kind of crappy, actually...and it's better this way.  She agreed....and then got ready for crazy hair day.  I think I may have got a picture of her hiding behind the door in the bathroom before she  put on a hat.  I thought she looked great, but she was too embarrassed.  She's already a teenager, and she's only 7.  Help me.

I talked to Rachel last night.  Okay, I typed to her, since she doesn't answer phones.  Even for little kids.  I told her it wasn't a good idea for her to come tonight for Trick or Treating.  I just think it's too soon.  I've stopped crying, and I don't want to be that person anymore...the one who is always trying to get her to love me.  Game over.  So hopefully later we'll be able to get her together with the kids...I know they'd like that...but just not yet.  I can't do it.  I just..can't.

I ate last night.  It was good.  I had friends over, and we all carved pumkins, and ran around, and danced, and it was good.  I felt like the house was full of life again.  I missed it. 

Today, I'm cleaning more.  I think.  I'm not sure i'm in that place yet where I can work on my bedroom.  There is still sadness there.  But the living room is feeling good.  Except i'm going to miss her TV when she takes it.  A lot.

I'm thinking i'm going to put in some protective posts.  You know, stuff that my mom doesn't need to read about how pissy I am about the whole thing.  If you're on my sub list, you should be able to see.  If not, hit me up.  Yo.

Oh.  And I decided *I'm* breaking up with Tequila.  Not that I had to have it or anything, but I just feel like the relationship isn't going to work....

Have a great day everyone...I'm going to.  (try)

xoxo
j

OH!  And I'm getting my hair done today.  Now, I KNOW I don't have any money, but she's my friend, too ...so she'll take a post dated check..and she'll just come over here this afternoon.  Which is awesome.  I'll post some pictures of last night, and you can see the before of the hair...(and the roots) and then I'll post some of the after....(And I'll post some pictures of the kids for my mommy)...

I kjnow i'm not looking all that hot...but I just got dumped, so be nice.

(This is where you tell me it's her loss, too, by the way)

xoxo

My journal, I've decided has become my friend.  My friends don't need to hear about how sad I am..and you, as a reader, can just hit that little box up in the corner, if you want..without having to actually come up with an excute to hang up the phone.  And I'm not calling her, or texting her.

More good news.  I'm 100 bucks overdrawn in my checking account, because they decided to take out my car insurance, instead of waiting.  I guess I hadn't realized i'd done that.  More good news-they are turning off my power tomorrow.  because I haven't paid.  more good news-I don't have the gas to go get Emily from school...and make it back.  I was going to go to the gas station on the way to get her.  So I get to walk and get her.  And figure out how to get out of this mess.  Maybe paying for the HRC dinner wasn't such a hot idea.  But I owed her money, So there you go.

Now, however, I'm completely fucked.  It's good times.  And to make it worse, my friend said 'it's okay, we'll take care of it, and i'll just stay at your house a couple of nights, so I won't have to worry about commuting to work and you can just use that gas".  Which is incredibly sweet, except she WANTS to stay the night, and maybe like, every night.  And it's sooo uncomfortable.  Like Emily said: No one but Rachel will ever live here again.  It was sweet, and probably not true, but I couldn't find it in me to argue with her (because i want to beleive it, too...that she'll be back).  I just want friends, not a replacement, not a date.  I just want her.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd on I go.

Edit:  I have incredible friends.  My friend stopped by to check on me on her lunch break.  And she walked in to me writing this post.  And insisted I use her gas card to get gas, and whatever else I needed to get me through.  And I wrote her a check for Friday when I get paid.  So now, I only have to worry about power.   Seriously...it's someone who I haven't been close to lately, maybe because i've been focusing so much of my life and my attention on trying to be perfect for a woman who doesn't love me anymore.  Friends are awesome.  And forgiving.  And really really....good.

I have cool kids.

Emily is so accepting, and loyal, and sweet.  James is just good.  He is James the Good.  The sweetest, the best little boy in the universe.

We are watching the backyardigans now...monster mash, I think it's my new favorite. 

I haven't eaten yet, except one taco yesterday (which makes me laugh a lot on the inside).  But I slept last night.  7 hours. When I went to bed, Emily was there, curled up on Rachels side of the bed, sleeping.  It was so sad.  She said she doesn't know if she can go a 'whole' two weeks without Rachel living with us.  I told her in might be longer than two weeks.  It might be always.  I just feel like I need to be honest with them, prepare them as well.

 This morning, I feel better.  Not the kind of better where I feel like taking on the world, but the kind of better where i'm not crying every 15 seconds.  Hey, that's a start.

I don't know what else to say.  I'm numb now.  She hasn't talked to me, called me.  I don't know what I expected.  I feel like I'm going through detox.  It's weird.  I guess I didn't mean all that much to her, as she easily walked away.  Wrap me in styrafome and call me disposable.

I'm off to start cleaning.  maybe.  Maybe I'll just watch the backyardigans with James for a while.

I hope everyone has a great day!  xo

I think we made it through the evening.  Kind of.  I'm afraid for bed time.  Reading, songs, ...it's just so hard.  It's something that I loved with her.

The kids melted as soon as I got them.  Emily cried.  I let her leave a VM.  And James.  Because she said they could.  It was so sad.  Emily keeps saying she'll be back soon.  I wish I could beleive her.  I want to.  I haven't cried since around 3:15 today.  high five.  It was hard not to..with Emily crying so hard...just sobbing.  And James..who last night I thought didn't get it, crying so hard for her that he threw up.  I just feel so helpless.  I'm here with the fall out.

We had pizza.  And are watching a favorite movie, because apparently we can't watch the Backyardigans without Rachel yet.  "Because she would be mad if she missed it".  I think I have them calmed down mostly.  And I've become a little angry.  Just because they love her so much...and I can't do a damn thing.  Helpless.  Suck.

I wonder if she's thinking of us, if she misses us.  But I won't call her.  I won't text her.  I asked her to take two weeks.  I asked her to miss us.  I need to give her that space.  I cling, because I love.  But with that cling comes the smother factor.  Which I rock in.  I'm trying to stop that.  If it's meant to work out, it will.

She gave me a book, that I promised I'd read. "It's called a break up because it's broken" Or something like that.  And i've read three chapters.  And I feel like that sad person...who is holding on to something when she doesn't WANT it.  (and who wouldn't want this family...I have a hard time understanding that...).  But I just can't buy that it's broken, when a month ago she was telling me how happy she was that I was hers.  Don't freaking get it.  And I fight for what I beleive in.  So...here I am.  Silently (or not so silently) fighting.

And maybe i'm wearing her shirt.  Because I'm that sad.  Shit.

She promised the kids Halloween.  That she'd go trick or treating with us.  And I know she will.  And I know that it will be hard..but good for them to see that she's still around.  And I'll be good.  And not cry.  And carry on. 

So...yeah.  I'll hope for the best, believe in the best.  And prepare for the worst.  But...I've always thought the worst would happen.  My life consists of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Which means it will...because I expect it.  I'm a pesimistic idealist.  And maybe a little crazy.  Fun.

I dont' know if it's wrong to beleive.  Or not.  But I do.  I just don't feel like this is over.  Maybe in a month, I'll look back at this and say "God, I really didn't have a freaking clue".  I don't know.  I just have to go with my heart, and my intuition, and my beleif that we fit.

We told the kids.  Emily cried..but was okay...she really was.  James doesn't get it.  He just wants her to be here for Halloween.

She took her clothes this morning, but nothing else.  She said she'd give it a couple weeks, before taking everything..just to make sure.  I know she's doing it to make it easier on me.  Which is really sweet.  Maybe I just think with space, she'll realize how much she misses and needs us...and come home.  She stayed the night last night.  She held me while I cried, and let me fall asleep in comfort.  She's sweet.  She is worried about me because I can't eat.  But maybe this will help me lose weight.    I'm atleast having protien shakes.  And I know there is some nutrients in tequila, right?  I'm sure of it.

This would be easier if she wasn't amazing.  If I didn't see a future with her.  If I didn't feel like home when I'm with her.

I go to work today.  Again.  And I hope today I don't suck as bad as I did yesterday.  Because yesterday I sucked a lot at work.  Maybe I'll even try for a little make up.  So I don't look so much like a zombie.  That's for Wednesday.

Mornings suck.

When I wake up, and turn to her, and she's not there like she has been for month and months.  When I wake and the haze wears off,and I realize shes not just up early watching TV...shes fucking gone.

I went out last night.  Got hit on a lot.  Met a cute girl from Jersey who i'll probaby go have coffee with soon.  But I had to let her know right away, that I'm in love with someone, and that she'll be an awsome friend, but no more..because my heart is so fucked.  I'm out, I'm dancing, and all i wanted was to be home with her.  I text her (because i'm drunk and stupid) and she tells me to have a good time.  I don't know why that makes it so much worse.  Maybe I want her to see the value in me.  Maybe I want her to get sick to her stomach at the thought of another person touching me.  But she wants me to have a good time.  That is so fucking shitty.

And I wonder, I do, althoug she denies it...is there isn't someone else.  She's been able to make a pretty clean break....she's able to walk away from everything we build just like 'that'.  No conversations, except in the last hour our our relationship, and that was mostly me beggeing, and her saying 'I'm sorry', and a lot of "I don't know".  It just feels so fucking sudden.  And today she comes and gets her stuff, and I work.  Tonight, I tell the kids, and deal with their greif (which pisses me off more than anything else).  Thanks a lot.  Thanks a whole fucking lot.

I just want her to come home.  and I want everything to be okay again. I really really do.  I hate that I love her.  And I hate that I miss her.
I still hurt like she just walked out the door.  How much time do I have to give it?  I can't take this pain.  fuck.

I have no energy.  I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, and the tequila kicked my ass.  The thought of food makes me want to vomit.

I talked to her this morning.  It was a good talk.  She just no longer has romantic feels toward me..so why go on living a lie?  It hurts.  More than I can say.

I've started going through things.  Her books.  Her clothes.  I broke down when I picked up a sweatshirt that smelled like her.  How can I still love her so much, when she doesn't love me?  Life is truly unfair. 

There is still so much I want to do with her.  So much I want to say.  But i know it's too late.  And I know that it will be okay.  Eventually.

The house is quiet.  I'll stop crying..start feeling numb.  And then start again.  I can't stop smoking.  I just walk around the house like a zombie.  Maybe that's what I'll be for Halloween.

Her friend gave her a book about breaking up.  I guess this is something she's been thinking about for a while.  While I tried to bring us back, she was talking to her friends about breaking up with me.  I'm a real champ.  She wants to give me the book to help me through.  I wish she wasn't so amazing.  Because it would almost be better.  But she is.  She was perfect.  For me.  I just wasn't for her.  Strike 150.

Somehow, self loathing helps.  Today is my feel sorry for me day.  I can't get a hold of my best friend.  She's not answering her phone, or the texts or emails i've sent.  So i'm here alone, which is probably for the best.  I don't think anyone would want to be around me right now.

I lit a fire...because I can't get warm.  The shower is my comfort place...when i'm upset, or can't get warm...but it's not working.  I don't want to be comforted.  I just want her to come back.  And she won't.  She said she won't.  And she said she's sure.  I'm a begging idiot...trying to salvage something that is gone.

She wants to be in contact with the kids.  Be a part of their lives.  And although part of me wants to never see her again...wipe the last 10 months from my mind...I know that the kids would be devistated even more if she were to dissapear from their lives.  I don't want to lose her as a friend.  But I don't know how to be her friend, when I lover her so fucking much.  I know it will get easier, but I wish it would hurry up already.

I've become friends with a couple of her friends, and now I know i'll lose them too.  I've really never felt so alone in my entire life.  I mourn.  I mourn what I thought was a true and beautiful thing.  I mourn the life I thought we would lead together.  I ache.

And I know that most of you are going to get sick of reading all this sadness.  But I need to get it out..to process.  So this is where it will be.

Alone.  I'm alone again. 

My mom said I was intense, and a lot of people can't handle that.  But I can't apologize for feeling so much...i can't apologize for who I am.  I'm a poet, an artist.  I feel.  I live emotions.  I guess I'll just live them alone from now on.

Back to sifting through the ashes...I think I'll start in our bedroom..and get it over with first.

i feel like i'm left in memories.

I woke up in our bed.  I stepped over our clothes to get to the bathroom.  her shower gel, loofah, in the shower.  I walk into the kitchen and see our picture on the fridge.  I see her things.  Everywhere.

And it makes me so sad.  And mad.  Yes, there is definately anger coming to the surface.  Anger and her.  And at me.  Because I let her 'move in'...without really moving in.  She kept her place..that she can now go back to.  Take her stuff to.  Start over.  And i'm left here....in the ashes of us.  I have to live it.  I have to look around, and remember everything that happened in this house.  I have to explain to the kids it's just us again.  I have to somehow fill up the empty places and make it a home.  And make it full of love, and life, and fun...for them.  When really, I just want to throw everything away, and move.  Because the memories make me so fucking sad.

She said she would love me always.  She fucking lied.

And instead...i'm left...with her stuff everywhere...and my heart breaking.

Today, is going to suck.

I forgot what it was like to hurt this bad.  to feel like my whole body is breaking in two.

Even a lot of tequila doesn't help.  It just seems to make me sadder.

I keep thinking she's going to walk in the door, and kiss my neck the way she does, or curl around me, and tell me it was all just a fight.  I keep thinking she's going to tell me i'm amazing like she used to.  Or tell me how happy she is.  But instead, she keeps telling me she's sorry.  That she no longer feels the same.  That she can't..

And I have to try to think of a way to tell the kids...the woman who has become a parent.  Who james is SO SO very close to...is gone.  That she no longer will be here to tuck them in.  Or to kiss me in her sleep.  Or to read them stories.

The pain, is all but unbearable.  because i feel like I've not only failed myself, but my kids.  That what I thought would be for always, was only for less than a year.  I let her parent them.  I let her displine them...because I thought it was permanent.  I thought that she would be in their lives forever.  And now...now I need to tell them that she won't be.  That i fucked up again.  That i wasn't enough.  fuck.

The pain...the tears.  won't stop.  I thougth that being drunk would help, but it doesn't.  I miss her already.  I miss cuddling with her, and playing with her hair.  I miss the sound of her breathing.  I'm so fucking stupid. And it's over.  And I don't know if I can take much more.  If i can take this.  I'm overwhelmed with pain. fuck fuck fuck.

Note to self:  don't love.  do not love.  ever.

the end.  so so so very much the end.

She broke up with me.

I might die.

this is why i shouldn't have let myself fall in love again.  i'm so fucking stupid.