July 23, 2007

  • Like a flower?

     

    mkpux

     

    Hmmm...I read somewhere recently that I'm concidered a 'late bloomer'...pertaining to the fact that I got married, had kids...then realized I liked girls way (way way way) more than guys.

    But does that mean I'm through blooming?  Because I really like blooming continuously.  You know..keeping my petals year round...planting roots...stretching toward the sun and fresh air.

    So instead of being a 'late' bloomer...I think I just want to bloom.  Always.

     

    In other news:  My ex is a jerk.  And what i really don't get..is how i STILL feel this way years after the divorce.  I'm sure (positive, really) that he would say the same about me.  It seems though, when we're around eachother-all the pain, everything just seeps back in, and end up in a 'yeah..well..YOU did "x, y AND z..'.  I want to like him.  I really do.  But it's hard.  Because he's mean.  But a good dad.  Manipulative..mind games..yes.  But a good dad.  Which is why I haven't moved away from here..to somewhere where i'd actually HAVE support.  Because here..is where he is..and the kids need their dad.  I just..feel so out of control of the situation.  And I have to tell you..that kills me a lot.  How out of control I feel of things sometimes.  I've worked SO hard for my independence..to raise the kids with loads and loads of love, structure, and the occasional (or more, recently) 'go to your room'.  And then to speak with him for 5 minutes, and be in tears, and so pissed at myself that I showed him any weakness.  He's condiscending. He talks down to me.  And I let him..and I take it.  And then I cry. And I interupt.  And I argue.  And I become a bitch.   Because I am NOT that person any more.  But..old habits die hard.  And reverting is so easy..so natural.  My mom comes...she does my landry.  I'm okay with that.  She cleans the kitchen..woohoo!  I see my dad, and he tells me to go get him a beer, and I hear "Sure, daddy" come out of my mouth.  It's funny, really.  Except when it's your ex husband.  And then it just makes my skin crawl a little.


    So, my night hasn't been what I would concider aces.  However, cuddled up now with Rachel on the couch..(While she intently reads page 441 of the new Harry Potter) I think life could be worse...and I just need to buck up...and find that half full glass that I put around here somewhere...with the tequila in it.

    And I have a question.  What do you guys think of Polygamy?  I'm a little obsessed with Big Love on HBO.  It's interesting.  To see a different side.  My opinion..is really...how is it my business if it works for someone..then so be it.  I would hate it if the laws of our country told me I couldn't marry someone I was in love with..............oh.  wait.  right.  Maybe that's a blog for another day. 

    I hope you all have a good night..and especially you, K...you who should be sleeping...and finding Monday isn't that bad afterall.  Because it's my Friday.  And what could be so bad about that, huh??

    Love love love.

    xoxo

    Jen

     

     

     

     

Comments (8)

  • I have an ex that brings the worst out in me, too. thank the goddesses we never had kids together! It only took me marriages 2 before I fully came to grips with the fact that I liked women way, way, way more than I do men. I can date both, not that anyone wants me, but my preference is definitely women!

    I have yet to buckle under the pressure to buy any of the Harry Potter books, but who knows, maybe I will... someday!

    If you find that glass that's half full, could you please make sure it has diet Pepsi in it and then slide it my way, too!

    Take care love and have a great Monday!

  • Try and remind yourself that there is a reason he is an EX....

    Hugs to you

  • you absolutely can be in perpetual bloom.

    its good that you are recognizing the pattern with your ex, in time you will be able to not rise to it, and even then sometimes anger is the appropriate response. its hard for those we move on from, when they are still unhappy and yet are forced to see that the one that left is happy and growing, he probably is forced to see his own short comings/unhappiness and instead of dealing with it, chooses to try to bring you back down.

    ps: dinner this week?

  • Thanks for stopping by. We are all constantly evolving and I, like you, want to continue to grow and bloom.
    *sparkle

  • Hi you.    Thank you for the sweet comment on my site.

    You know, after I broke up with my ex...I decided to "bloom" for myself.  I took to signing all my posts and emails "blooming".   I wish I could manage to bloom year round.  More often than not I feel like my petals are all crumpled...

    ...Here's hoping you continue to bloom beautifully.

    ~jifr.  The crumpled petal

  • gasp. no i didn't delete your comment... i just posted an update. did you get me message?

  • :) no worries. can't do dinner tomorrow pink drink night with the ladies. but maybe thursday or friday

  • Oy, I am so sorry about the ex, I must admit I am glad I didnt have any kids with my ex either.
    As for Late bloomer, I think I am one as well, in as far as emotionally , I think it took me a while to get to this place to know alot about myself and even than I am still learning.

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