January 3, 2005
-
It's time
To start here again. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I've tried...so hard, to focus on things here at home. To work, and be a great mom, and a wife, and a friend.....
But I need to write...so here's where I go...where I've gone for over a year...just to find a place, amoung friends, that I can spill out my guts...and my guts need spilling. I'm sure there will be a lot in the months ahead. I hope so...and at the same time, am afraid of all of it. And I'm a little out of practice here, too. See? I'm already rambling..and I'm still in my first paragraph.
*Deep Breath* here we go...
Let me start here...and flutter around a bit.... I was looking back, tonight, through some of my older posts, and comments. Things I've written, remembering feelings, and times, and life in general. There is a letter I wrote to James back there, and a blog talking about my dreams...about so many different things. Then, I read one from December, that was protected, talking about how I was getting restless again...how I just felt the urge to run, to get out....and it scared me, because it wasn't so long after Mike and I decided to try and work out our marriage....and I was already feeling unsettled again....
Anyway, I started looking at the comments...and I read this, from RainyDar...
You will be fine - I have such confidence in you, Jen.
Being a seeker, a quester, one who does not settle for the comfortable, the "safe" way; one whose soul needs freedom and space to explore the VASTNESS of mystery... well that is not an easy path.
yet each of us has our own path, our feet are compelled to travel it with an inner compass that is set a certain way. True North for Jen is YOUR path, and I really admire your relentless pursuit of that.
those who love you dearly will be there, as you are discovering, and perhaps new ways of defining-expressing your contentment within those relationships is the challenge that will help you feel more settled.
I don't know if that makes sense at all, but I do know you are one terrific woman.
It hit me tonight....because, I've been wondering how I was going to do this blog...the one I needed to do...the one that was building like a dam inside of me, just ready to burst. And then I saw this...( Thank the Gods for Dor) ..and I knew it would be okay. So I'll just tell you all, and get on with the unloading of baggage.
Mike and I have decided to divorce. There isn't any questions about it, no indecisiveness. Just an ending of a marriage. But that, I guess makes it sound harsh, when it's not at all. We are doing it right. Gently, friendly, with both eyes on keeping the kids well adjusted, and okay. We still love each other...which makes it sad. And hard. But it needs to be done. We arn't good together. I need from him what he can't give me, and he needs from me what I have never been able to give him. We push, and pull, etc. There are tons of reasons, but the biggest is that we feel we've slid down this slop of comfort, to the point we aren't doing things to build eachother up. Instead, we're enableing eachother to stay down. I can't be who I need to be in this marriage. The patterns are to engrained for both of us. We fall into 'compromising comfort'. And neither of us are happy, really...but we're comfortable. And it's just not enough for me. And I don't think it's enough for Mike...( although I'm not going to put any words in his mouth).
So, yeah. I think all that happened this spring, all the pain, and confusion, all the drama....I think it's helping us now. We've already been through that...and we tried again. And again, it didn't work. It's awful to see it fall apart...it's awful to watch, as if from the outside...and see the mosaic shatter.....
But I really think it's going to be okay. We're talking...we're working on lagistics...we're figuring out all the details. The children are a no brainer. We'll stay in the same town, and split custody. We'll be doing pretty much what we've been doing. Half and half. Our schedules are such, that we never have a day off together, so it works out.
There are many other details...monotinous...and some I'm sure I'll ramble about soon....but mostly, and really, it's the prize at the end of this....I know, it's all going to be okay. I feel so calm... it's weird not to be a freaking mess....but I feel calm. And that's good.
I hope you all are doing well...take care, and I'll be around.
xoxo
me
Comments (23)
I think that sometimes the greatest love can be to let a loved one go if that is what lifts him/ her up. I takes a lot of guts and balls frankly to view a situation frankly, honestly and with compassion. I admire you for making your children a priority in the process, which shows even more love and forethought. I t may be one of the harder moves in lift, but I commend you for the hard choice. I made a break out of love last year from someone I loved dearly, but we were no longer supporting each other at all, so I feel you on this one.
Blessings to you and yours,
~Amber
I'm sorry to hear it but I'm glad that you are both working it out amicably. Sending positive energy to you.
i agree that you sound as if you have made every effort and if you are not happy it will never work--you can't change that easy--so i wish you well and am thinking of you and hope it will be good for you--eventually you will find that right soulmate or happiness without and only in thyself--hehe--hugs to u--i'm sure u might need them occasionally--i figured something had gone wrong you hadn't posted for awhile--bb Scarlett
Love and hugs to you hon. i hope this new year holds better for you!
That's how it was for me when I split with my ex - at least the feeling of calmness. It was an odd sort of feeling after all the turmoil we'd been through and I thought maybe I was doing something wrong if there wasn't a roller coaster ride attached. But, now after 7 years, I do know it was the right thing. We are still able to talk, and we often wonder how in the world we managed for so long, we're so different.
I'm glad to hear you are alright, I was wondering... *hugs*
Welcome back. Writing is such a part of some of us - like breathing, really - that we must have space and time to do so or we will die.
My thoughts are with you all.
(((((((hugs))))))) the love is their plainly for anyone who knows you to see, and its a tough choice to make when you love someone even when the relationship is not healthy for you. I just want you to know that I am here for you in whatever way you need supported. call if you need anything..... well call even if you don't need anything
namaste
Wow Lav. That's quite a post. Kudos to you for finding the courage to take the course of action that was right for you (and for bearing yourself so openly and couragiously in this post).
I understand what you mean. My parents divorced when I was five, but still loved each other very much. Unfortunately, they did not part on good terms, and that messed me up a whole lot. But I understand exactly what you mean. My parents didn't belong together. They needed to go their own ways, and to be free of the expectations and demands of the other in order to grow as people. Both of my parents really "found" themselves after the split. I wish the same success for you.
Best of luck.
Your divorce sounds so much more peaceful and "adult" than mine did. I'm glad for you on that front.
My heart hurts because while I'm preparing for my wedding in April, you're in the middle of a divorce. I'll keep you in my thoughts on my day.
First of all, I'm so glad you're back!!!
Missed ya!!! Second, I admire how you're doing things, it all sounds well thought out rather than bitter. I think you're right that you'll be just fine 
I must echo the sentiments of Smurfi. I am glad you have returned. I won't say I'm sorry, because those would be the wrong words to say. I realize that is harsh but possibly appropriate. You need to move on your path and hanging on for emotional reasons or children doesn't help you at all. Fortunately, you are acting as you were supposed to be..two mature adults who still have feelings for one another. It's unfortunate that so many of us(myself included) become small selfish brats when it comes to divorce and children. Kudos for the way you two are handling yourselves. I really believe that the Goddess has different plans for you and closing of one door is the only way to open another. Yes, it's scary and lonely to be a single parent. But you, my friend, are strong and enlightened enough to see through the tunnel. And if you have those days when you just can't, you can always remember US standing on the other side screaming at the top of our collective lungs! If you need a screamer, you know my email...find me. I've screamed once or twice in my life and would help a fellow screamer when needed.
Aviv
Whoa. I haven't been around much either, which is how I missed this entry till I came on to check out my fave
You'll be ok. In fact, I admire your bravery. It takes a lot of guts to move on when the river is flowing and you're used to the rock you're clinging to.
You're still really young which gives you plenty of time to find yourself and discover all the wonderful parts of YOU that get covered up or ignored when you're in a relationship.
Your OWN place, your OWN dreams, it's a great thing. You're in a position now to totally consciously create everything you've dreamed of or to just DREAM a new beginning and let it happen.
Good for you! Hang tough, we're here!
I haven't been around much, myself-- just stopped by to wish you Happy New Year, actually.
Some part of me says that you really have much to be proud of-- in many ways the manifestation of TRUE "ego-less" love is the fact that you can love someone without your paths necessarily having to be the same. Not all relationships are meant to be "forever" in the same format-- and that doesn't mean they have to just "end." A new phase begins. It's the kind of non-possessive "adult" love most people never even get close to. Good for you!
hey Jen!
it's been forever and forever since i wrote anything for anyone here...but i had to say something.
Dar is so right about you. you are such a strong woman with such a strong personality that you know what you want and you dont rest until you have it, or at the very least, blaze that path towards it. i admire that in you girly! at the very least, with Mike, you both know how things are going to go and what needs to be done to get where you are going. that has got to be the hardest thing to overcome...i speak from experience. so blaze on baby! have that damn path paved and lined if you need to!! land friggin airplanes on it! hehe...maybe you can help me to blaze my path too...
2005 baby. this year is going to be much better for me. i know it. although, it has started quite shitty...i'm going to make it much better than 2004. and with friends like you in my life, i know it wont be too hard to make things better. thank you for being a constant in my life Jen, i will never be able to express to you how gratefull i am for you. keep smiling sweetie...we all know how beautiful that smile is.
have a great day!
Aaron.
((((((Jen)))))) I know how hard this is (I've been there) and just know you are never alone. Aaron is so right in what he said about you, and I admire you sweetie.
Kira
Dear Jen,
I think your calm is a good sign that this is the right course of action - in your mind and heart you've already made the break and you feel better for it. I hope you know we're all here for you and that you can call by anytime. Take care of yourself, your children and walk strong on your path. *hug*
Ah, I've not been checking lately so I've just seen this.
Though divorcing it likely the right decision for you, it is still difficult. I agree with Dor though. I think you'll be allright. It's good to see you back. I hope your road is as smooth as possible. Hugs.
Good luck to you girl. Hang in there. Hugs
((hugs)) i am so sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this. I am proud of you for knowing what you need an what you dont. such a big step is easy for no one. I wish only peace for you both in each step as you both in some ways move on into new paths.
For it isnt what was not, but was that made it great
for it isnt what was not said but was taken the time to be said
not all is meant for ever but in the moments we are with another in the path of life that is the important part. To grow an bloom from it
love you
trinny
Well I'm glad your both being very sensible about it. It's very sad to see a marrage break up, but it's better than living a lie, and I think it will pull you both closer together as friends.
I hope it all works out fine for the two of you and the kiddies.
Hugs at ya, wardybeast
I have to agree with everyone. You being calm through the whole ordeal is the best thing you can do. I wish to offer advice from a 16yr. old point of view, so please, bear with me.
While you are doing your best to see that the kids are well adjusted through the divorce, there may be times when they might be angry at you. They may think that 'mommy and daddy' are being selfish. If they don't tell you everything that is bothering them now, encourage them. It will bring you all closer and help ease them through all of this. It will also help them realize that you both still love them very much no matter what.
Best wishes through everything.
I hope things at the end of your marriage progress in such a civilized manner. Its very much a step forward then. I teach my son that divorce means you can always change your mind, always start again, not that horrible old philosophy of you've made your bed, now you have to lie on it forever (buy a new mattress!)
Comments are closed.