May 14, 2004
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Taking the Bull by the Horns
That's what I need to do..I need to take the bull by the horns..I need to focus on getting my life where I need it to be. But do you know what's hard about that? Day to day life. Kids, house, bills, laundry. It's hard to do what needs to be done for me when everyday life comes and gets in the way.
I know, one day at a time...
I went to my councilor yesterday. It went well. I like her, and I think we'll mesh very well together. She had a couple of interesting points for me..and a lot of validation in other areas. Now I know she's my councilor, so I pretty much take what I want from our sessions, right? But still, she got me thinking in the right direction, and I think that's the best thing she can do.
One of the things she said, was to communicate with Mike as much as I can, even if I'm hurting his feelings while doing it. This is a hard one for me, because I hate hurting anyone. But I'm trying.
Wednesday night, he came home from work, and wanted to have the same conversation again. The one we've had every night since I got home from Oregon. The one where he asks me what I want. The one where I still say I don't know..and we rehash everything that's been said..with maybe a few more nouns or verbs thrown in for variance. It's annoying to me. It really is...because nothing has changed since the night before. But on Wednesday, on Wednesday I had just had it. I was so frustrated that he wasn't listening to me..( Or I didn't perceive him as listening to me, since we were having the same conversation once again.) He told me he felt like I wasn't giving him answers..I wasn't telling him how I felt...And GOD I was pissed. I was pissed because I had tried so hard to stay calm about this, tried so hard not to blow....but you know what? He'd pushed enough. So I let him have it. I told him how completely bitter I was. How bitter I was, that after all this time, of telling him everything I needed, everything I hoped for, everything I missed from him, that NOW..now when I feel as though I can't take anymore..now that I'm 'done'..now he's trying to change. Now he's calling me all the time..emailing me, wanting to have long talks at night...NOW. And part of me...a big part..wants to just scream..."IT'S TOO FUCKING LATE!!'.
ehem..
So yeah, I blew. And he loved it. He was happy that I blew, and he felt I had givin him more emotion than I had in years. But it disappoints me..it disappoints me that I took me yelling, cussing, and just being pissed, for him to hear all that I had said before, only calmer. I hate yelling, I hate getting that worked up..it's emotionally draining for me..which is hard, since my tank is still trying to stay above empty. But he made a good point today, when we were talking about this. He said he remembers when we used to fight, and it was passionate..when I used to yell, and he used to 'yell' ( he's really not a yeller...is that a word?..lol) And he thinks, as the years have gone on, that we've taken the 'easy road' and have just let things go. He's let them go, he says, because he can't remember them for long anyway..but I've let them go, because it's easier. Which is true. It's easier to just let things slide. I hear that. Fine. Noted.
Another thing the councilor said, is that I need to not play the "Villain" in all that is going on here. She said that although it's good that I 'own' everything that is happening, and understand it, that I shouldn't be accepting all the blame. And that's hard for me, it's hard, because I got the ball rolling. I'm the one who fell for someone eles, and in doing so, it made my life even more intolerable where I am. It made it hard for me to live day to day, and accept all that is this life. I'm the one who made the decision to go and meet Aaron. I'm the one who decided all of these things. But again, I'll 'own' them, and I know, I did what I had to do..for me..
But in doing all of this..in having feelings for someone eles, in having Aaron be a part of my life..it overshadows the real issues that are at play. Our relationship was in trouble long before I met Aaron. Our relationship has been in trouble for a long time. But in looking from the outside in, it looks like I just fell for someone eles, said, 'Hey, this guy makes me feel so much better...see ya around, Mike'....And that is in no way how this happened. So my councler told me to be careful not to allow myself to think of 'me' as a Villian..So I'm trying not to. Sometimes it's easier to own things, then to give them to someone eles to own, too. ( Do you know what I mean?) But it's hard. Mikes parents want nothing to do with me. Mikes brother, whom I love, who I feel as though I've been a big support to, hasn't even asked me my side of any of this. All I've gotten from him is an email, that asked me to not go to a party this weekend he would be attending. Ouch. I guess I just expected more communication..I don't know. But it breaks my heart. It makes me feel like the villian. And I don't think I am...I really don't. I'm seriously trying to do this all the right way. Through communication, and careful concideration. But it's hard to keep things even..it's hard to breath, when you feel as though your being backed into a corner by everyone. It makes it hard to focus on anything.
This blog, I see has gotten loooonnnnggg. And do you know what? I miss the funny me. I miss the funny blogs I've done..about the kids, about life in general. I miss all of that. So I think this is truly the last you'll be hearing about this for awhile. Maybe I should start another blog about this on a different page..I don't know..I just know, that I love 'Lavendar', and I love how I can be here..and I don't want to put all this shit on here..I want this to be my happy place, and lately it hasn't...it's frustraiting.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
All my love to you..
xoxo
Jen
Comments (11)
This blog IS for you, and maybe what you needed today was to vent, and that's fine. Actually, that's more than fine. That's great! A weblog is a good place for you to open up and get support from people who only know your side of the story and support YOU no matter what. You are a good person, not a villain, and what happened happened because it was meant to happen.
You'll work through this. Keep your happy, laughing side, but don't try to put pressure on yourself to be happy and bubbly here. I think we all understand what you're going through and definitely aren't expecting you to be anything you're not.
You'll be happy and bubbly again soon anyway, so don't worry.
Take care!
Keira
Where ever we're headed, where ever we end up I'm glad that you're on the right path.
I miss your funny posts too, it's time for one of the kids to poop somewhere they're not supposed to again.
Wow - you know I came here by way of finding Mike's blog first and reading him. I was reading you earlier and had to leave to pick up my kids from school, then when I came back, you've added another post.
You know what - I emailed Mike earlier, now I'm gonna email you because I would like to share some things (and yeah, I know this is more about me than about your blog) and I don't want to do this in a 'public' place.
Okay - I lied - I'm not emailing you cause I don't see a link. LOL. I would though.
quiltnmomi@hotmail.com
I may be out of line for saying this...but it sounds like you're about to jump from the frying pan into the fire......be careful with you....always you...first.
I'm glad you are writing about this, for purely selfish reasons.
I've left a few serious long relationships and one 8 month marriage, feeling some of the same things- no kids or property involved. In writing what you can reveal comfortably, you help me to go back and hash through my own past issues, especially the part about feeling like the villain.
Charmed..I'm trying, in every way to convey, they I will not be jumping into the fire..at all. I'm working on me, on my life here...no fires! Thanks for speaking your mind though..and you're never out of line here...
xoxo
jen
I know that feeling of having said something for years and it's only heard when things are falling apart. It's happened in relationships and (though not nearly as important) at work. Hell, I'm still screaming about work.
Your counselor has an important point about not being the villian. It's good you acknowledge what your part is in this but Don't take the blame for the other persons. Not only is it self defeating, it's just not anymore helpful than denying stuff.
The funny you is still there and will be back when ready.
Dammit if this doesn't sound like me about 7 years ago. When I finally called it quits with my ex (this was after we had split and came back and he didn't do anything different) that he decided that he was going to be the person of my dreams and listen to me. Give me credibility for all that I had done. For me, it was too late. I had gotten back together with him to give it one more try. This was after years of slamming my head into the wall trying to get attention and have him listen to me.
It's extremely easy to let things slide. It's harder to try to fix things if only one side wants to. It's definately harder when you see someone else that supports you and understands you when the person who vowed to love you doesn't seem to be doing that. It is very romantic, exciting and exhilirating to be seen in a different way after all these years. Then reality comes to bit you in the but and the guilt comes down. You have done what most humans would do, seek understanding from those who want to give it to you. Your counselor is 100% in not giving yourself over to all of the guilt. If there would have been listening and understanding done a while back, this situation may very well have been avoided. But, that's all speculation at this point. Make sure you aren't going to tear yourself apart over this. Work on this with an open heart and mind and no matter what the outcome, you will know that you gave it everything. Everything.
My ex's family treated me poorly for a while too. They're hurting and it will take time for them to come around. If they can see that you are truly working with everything you have, they'll respect you for it. Most people know that marriage is not a walk in the park and there are definate bumps and mountains.
*hugs* You'll get there.
Traci
((((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))
Sweetie I am sorry for what you are going through and I understand the part of always seeing yourself as the bad one because I have the same habbit and it's hard to change....I hope that you and Mike can work things out or at least walk away from this understanding what has happened and both parts that each have played in this and still maybe end up as friends.....good luck and enjoy the weekend
That also happened to me recently, the blowing up and that same feeling of NOW?! I feel you sister... this is something else to have to go through. That is pretty painful when you get that sort of email, that sort of ouch. It's understandable that they are his family and so they support him but they are your family too aren't they? Rather than cause more strain they should see what they can do to help, like take the kids for a weekend, or possibly even provide some of their own advice if they've made marriage work a long time etc. So many just jump on the negative bandwagon.
You aren't a bad person, you have to do what you have to do for yourself. Yes you need to think of those this will effect but in the end this is about you. Sorry I haven't been around, lots of RL issues myself as you know. Take care hon, am moving on to read the newer blogs. 8)
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