May 10, 2004
-
Back to 'work'
I'm back from my trip to Oregon. And it was good. Really, really good. I spent part of it laughing, part of it playing, part of it crying...so all and all..I would have to say a good, productive trip. But still, a trip to, however I may want to sugar-coat it, run away. That's what I did. I ran away from this life for 4 days. I needed to. I recognize that. But now I'm back....and I have a lot of work to do. And still, so many questions left unanswered.
I call the councilor tomorrow..in hopes of getting in quickly. I can talk about my feelings with my friends, or with Mike, or with Aaron. But what I need right now, is someone who can look at this all objectively, and give me some tools, and some strength to make the decisions I need to make. There is a lot at stake here. Children, family and friends. And I know, honestly, I know, that whatever I decide to do, will effect all of these people. But especially my children. I know, that when I made the decision to have them, I was making a commitment for life. And it's one I gladly take. It's one I covet. With that being said, it makes it hard for me to do what is right for me when I have two children, and a husband. Being the people pleaser that I am, I want so very badly to make all right in their worlds. I want so badly to be everything they ever wanted. But I feel as though they don't really know me. You all know so much more of me, because you've read my words, know my secrets..but it's harder to show those to everyone. Even those I love. It's so much easier to try and fit myself in a mold. A mold, by the way, that no one has asked me to try and fit into. It just seems easier to do it. Someone told me the other day..that staying home, loosing yourself, can make you feel lazy. Complacent. Easily excepting of any situation. Just because it's easier. It's so much easier to just take it. Whatever 'it' might be. A fight, harsh words, a cold shoulder. It's easier to tell everyone that things are 'GREAT!!'. That I am SO lucky to have a great man, a great family, a great home. And I am lucky for all those things. But damn it..it's not all those things.
Things have been hard on me for a while now. I feel as though things have been lacking. SO lacking for me. Is this Mikes fault? Absolutely not. I will not lay any of this on him. But what I need, I am not getting. And I've tried. I need passion..of life, of love, of heart. I need laughter, and emotion. I need excitement. Now I understand..all of these are not realistic needs after years of marriage. But some of them are. Some of these, no matter the age I am..I'm going to need. And it's something I'm not getting.
I am one of those 'people'..who give, and give, and give....and when I haven't been getting what I need in return, even after various attempts...I say 'no more'. And I'm done. DONE. I walk away. Easy as that. Except this time, it's not as easy as that. There are other people to consider...other lives in this mix that is my head and heart. So, even though I want to run, as fast as I can in the oposite direction..I know that I can't. I'm going to have to face all of these problems head on...and I'm going to have to deal with them all, one day at a time. Some things are good, some are bad..but I'll own them all. Because, damn it, this is my life.
It's hard for me to talk to Mike about all of this. It's hard, because of the patterns we've established. I've very much always listened to what he has to say. And almost always gone along with it. I've always thought he was so much smarter than me..so much more wise. And me...well, I thought, hey..no college education...no real life skills...of course he's smarter. I'd put him up on this pedistal..he could do no wrong really...( except for the normal stuff hubands do wrong..lol). Looking back, I see so many times I just defered to him. It was easier for me, easier for him..so why not?
But now, now it's hard to talk to him about everything I'm feeling, because I don't want him to "tell me what to do". I've turned into the proverbial teenager, who is rebelling against her parents. And really, how stupid is that? I know we need to talk. I know he has a right, and a want, to know what I'm doing, because not only does it directly effect him, but because he cares that much. And still...I want to run from it. I want to tell him to just leave me alone..that he's smothering me. And at the same time, I want to cry on his shoulder, sobbing, telling him how sorry I am I can't continue being what I'm not.
This is seriously, seriously, the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. ( But it's a great diet..lol) And even after my 'vacation' none of the damn answers are clear. I'm not a patient person by nature..( I know..stop snickering..) I want things done, and done now. I still can't sleep on Christmas Eve, for petes sake. But this is something, as my Charmed said..I have to step lightly with. Lightly, and slowly, and carefully. There are a lot of people in this mix...for better or worse, they are all there. And because of that..I know open diolog is a necessary part of this equasion. Because, above all else..I want these people to be happy. But you know what? I have to be happy too. And this is where it's the hardest for me. It's hard to want to be happy..because that means you have to focus on all your shit..on all your complete baggage. And that's not something I've ever enjoyed doing. I'm really good at putting on a mask..and being happy, bubbly, funny..cute. But really...am I? I'd like to think so. In the last weeks, I've found that person I've missed. Now I just need to deal with the mask, before it slips back on again...because it's easier.
So where do I go from here? One day at a time. Councler. School? Yoga. Friends. Children. Work? I have yet to talk to Mike about all of this..to find an answer that will work for everyone. I just have to find a way to put my needs into this..without giving in, and doing what will make other people happy. I have to find a way to be the person I know I am...to be true to myself, my needs, my childrens needs, and those I love.
So again...One day at a time.
This has turned into the most rambling blog I've done in a while...sorry about that..lol.. But man..do I feel better!
Okay...I'll be catching up with you all soon.
All my love..xoxo
Jen
Like this blog wasn't long enough..I was just thinking...one of the biggest reasons I try to hard to put myself into a mold, is I want to be accepted. Rejection is a scary thing...it's something I don't understand..and have never grasped. But to be accepted..in any form..is worth it..right? No. It's not. But it's easier. (There is that damn word again..lol)
Mmmkay...I think I'm done..lol
Comments (17)
I am very happy for you that you have made the decision to work out the things in your life that are not what you wanted or expected. Your husband
and your children will all benefit from your search as much as you will.
This mess of feelings and thoughts may become the start of the best years of your life and only in looking back will you be able to see it.
As my mother always says "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".
I wish you luck getting through this. Don't take so much on your own shoulders.
The counselor can help you talk to Mike. Meet with them alone first, tell them everything - and ask for help. You will need it to get him to listen without trying to "fix" it, and your chances of actually being heard are better.
Wishing you the best.
You are definately doing the right thing. Don't feel though like it's all you darling. It takes two...and even if you feel like you're the one doing all the changing, it still takes two people to make a marriage. Kris is right, even if you have to go through someone else to get things started, it's a good start. My ex and I were best friends but we couldn't communicate a whit about our marriage. Go figure.
There is absolutely nothing, nothing wrong with wanting passion of life and love for the rest of your life. It's there and you can have it. I'm the same way, it's part of the spark that is your soul. Passion is what gives us breath. Sometimes it's a tempest roaring over you out of control, and other times its a very quiet moment that makes time stop. Don't sell yourself short on that, don't expect that "just 'cause you're married" you shouldn't have that. It may change, but it should never go away. It's not, however, anyone's responsibility to keep it but your own.
You may have a long way to go, but if you look, you'll see you've already walked quite a distance. *hugs*
The only mold that you'll ever feel comfortable in, is the one you create for yourself.....
I believe what you are going thru hun is completely normal. I have been where you are now. And I can tell you...it is a process. My therapist has helped tremendously! One thing is for certain...you need to stop hiding behind that safety wall of yours. Goddess do I know those walls! I have many. With my therapists help...I am learning to not be so hard on myself, to set boundaries w/others. I am realising that I do not have to always seek approval or please others. I am learning to stand on my own. Years of marriage, children, parenting....it takes sooo much from you. And when not careful to protect yourself. It can drain you and you lose yourself. You start accepting things for how they are instead of finding ways to get the best of both worlds. Being your role as Wife/Mother & Friend/Goddess. If you are only nurishing one part the other part dies. I know you see this. There is also the chance that you have grown in your relationship in ways your partner has not. Leaving you with feelings of uncompleteness. If this is the case...you may with to seek counsel to determine ways to go about getting what you want. If you ever need to talk. I am here. Hugs!
Ok, first off, nice pic, you look great.
Second, please can you stop whatever it is you are doing so that your blog comes up in yellow type on white in my inbox each day? I have to highlite everything just to read it. It's too hard, since I read my subs with my morning coffee and smoke , am half awake and can barely read as it is.
Thank You
Ps. You rock
pps. fix the damn type
You know, been there and done it. I'm a serial bride, I think.
Seriously, though. The internet can be such a double-edges sword sometimes. It's a beautiful place, which allows you to be who you truly want to be. To say the things you truly want to say...and to have people listen, nod their heads, pat your shoulders and push you along with all the support you never really get in life....
...and on the other hand, this very catalyst the internet is...this tool for making steps in your personal growth...is also the very tool which leads you to question and want and need more than real life ever gave you.
I'm behind you, sister. I know where you are right now.
double-edgeD (yikes. Sorry, typo)
((((((((Jen)))))))) You are so cute...I love that carefree pic of you...awesome....and what you said about being given the tools to give you the strength to make decisions here, is key. I also think what ShyeWolf said makes SO much sense!!! I also know where you are right now. I was married before...lost myself miserably. This second time around...awesome....we make it work together. Finding yourself again is priceless. The rest just falls into place once you do.
Kira
Marriage can be a beautiful thing, and it can be an ugly suffocating thing. It's funny how in fairy-tales, marriage is always the goal, while in real life, marriage is the brunt of jokes. Like if you're married, your love life automatically sucks and the joy is sucked out of you on a regular basis. But whether you're married or not, you deserve joy! You deserve amazing sex and creative time to yourself! You deserve the best out of life no matter what! It's up to you to decide if you can get that while you have a ring on your finger or not. It is possible to be happily married, but that all depends on who's married to whom and for what reasons. You should be married for you and no one else- out of love for yourself because it makes you happy. It is, of course, up to you determine if it does or not. I'll be thinking of you as you work all this out.
Blessings and smiles!
Keira
Girlfriend I think we are both going through the same thing right now in so many ways and I completely understnd where you are coming from.....(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lav))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So whaddaya wanna do? I mean in terms of job or activities or what? I want to go kayaking in Oregon, but that won't happen for many years.
good luck.. i know you'll figure it all out... but i know exactly how you feel...
Firstly loved the pic… gorgeous. 8) Secondly, I’m glad you are not just tapping into the “flight” mode. I’m that way a lot too. Something needs changed it just changes I’m not patient. This stuff is hard I know. I’m going to see a councilor too… I figured if I love my man (and you yours) we owe it to them as well as ourselves to seek some help to possibly salvage a relationship & not lose ourselves within it any longer. Good luck sweety. I’m feeling you…
Oh and not sure what’s going on for smoke_whore’s site… I see yellow type on a dark blue background… just thought I’d mention it.
I understand fully... but Jen, to accept oneself, just as we are - is to gain the knowledge of other people's opinions not mattering anymore... and they shouldn't. You are a beautiful person, both in and out - and to ever let yourself change yourself, simply to be accepted by someone else, well, it's just not worth it - in fact, to be more exact ... they're not worth it!
Sending you much positive and healing energy and support as you follow your heart and mind and spirit wherever it may lead you.
glad you're seeking help ~ communicating, working at searching through things not simply running... whatever you are feeling, yearning for, desiring, don't be afraid to trust what is at your center, your honest and true need. Nothing wrong with that -
I admire your insights and your determination!
Great pic by the way.. maybe a new profile pic?? It's so freespirited and fluid!
blessings and peace your way...
Comments are closed.