May 2, 2004

  • Painfully beautiful



     


     


    Today..today has been a painfully beautiful day.  We are in Oregon, for a wedding.  We are actually leaving that wedding as I'm typing this..on the laptop in the car, in word.  I feel this intense need to get all of this emotion out of me..all of this sweet pain.  I know there is no glory, no ‘rightness’ without pain..I know that..and I understand it.  And I except it.


    Let me try to get these emotions down as best I can, along with my description of where I’ve been.  I’ll post pictures along with this blog, but for now, this is what I have to work with.


    The wedding took place up on a Mountain.  Her parents own a ‘cabin’ out there..the view itself is breath taking.  You look down off of a slope, and see so many pines, and mountains, and a beautiful lake.  You see Mt. McGaughlin, Howard Prairie lake.  And the sun..the sun is so bright and beautiful, with not a cloud in the sky.  As the wedding party started coming down the aisle, the bagpipes started. 


    So imagine..scenery so beautiful it’s actually painful, bagpipes playing.  And a women who just woke up from years of being empty. 


    I’m a person who thrives on my senses.  I need to hear, to see, to smell, to touch, to taste.  I appreciate all of this so much.  But in the last few years, my world has been full of black and white..sepia tones.  And now…now waking up to this beauty…it’s almost more than I can bear.


    I told Mike today, it’s like I’ve been blind for years, and the first thing I see is rainbows..all the colors, breaking your heart with their beauty.


    There is so much still going on with me.  So much.  Some not good, some I think the best ever.   


    I talked to Mike.  Or he talked to me.  He knew I was pulling away..he knew I was changing.  And I am.  I’m finding who I am again.  What makes me happy…not what ideas make me happy, not what ideals..just me.  So we are at a crossroads, taking this all one day at a time.  And this is all so painful..so hard.  I cant continue to be who I’m not, no more than I can take away the hurt this is causing him.


    And I’m getting car sick…though the rest of this will have to wait until I can get to an internet connection…lol…


     


     Edit: 


    Okay..here it is, Sunday morning..and we are getting ready to head home.  I don't really know what the rest is...of the story, that is..( I think it may be too early..lol..)


    I'll be catching up with you all soon...thank you for reading this..thank you for caring.  You have all been a life line to me..


     


    All my love,


    xoxo


    Jen


     

Comments (11)

  • Isn't that beauty something?  I recall seeing beauty in that way only twice in my life.  The day I was married, and the day I first laid eyes on my daughter.  But I have yet to see that beauty in myself.

    I'm glad this is something that you're working on.  Much love to you, and good luck on your journey.  You've come a lot further down the road than I have. 

  • Pain is nothing more than a sure sign that you are growing...

  • It's so amazing what heppens when you see those colors.  It certainly changes everything.  Change is painful, but that doesn't mean you have to be alone. 

  • ahh colors... seeing a lot of them myself now. ((hugs)) be kind to yourself.  

    thank you for your kindness.

  • I love finding that beauty in nature.  That's why I love living out in the boonies now.

  • What a wonderful journey by such a beautiful lady! Welcome to a new journey sailor!!!!

    Sail on... sail on!!!

  • Welcome to your awakening! I can't speak for everyone, but I know I hit mine about 6 years ago and it has been a process to say the least and it ain't over yet! Find your strength within dear one. And remember...pain=wisdom...which=spiritual enlightenment & growth. Follow your heart & listen to your intuition. Only you know what's best for you! Most importantly...Live...Love....& Laugh!!!  =)  Hugs!!!

  • Always I am touched by your reflections, your ability to express what is most achingly felt in the center of your being, poured out into words that connect to my own experiences of life and being PRESENT in the world... you are a gift, Jen.

    be gentle with yourself and not rush or push yourself to define or label... this awareness will be absorbed into your being and become a more comfortable part of YOU

  • I have tears in my eyes for you, both for the beauty and the pain.  Best wishes for this rebirth of your Self. 

     

     

  • You need to be you.  I'm happy for you!  This is your life, and yours alone.  Only you can live it, so enjoy it while you can! 

  • Life is change ... Growth is optional ... Choose wisely
    ~ Karen Kaiser Clark ~

    It seems all change requires pain, just like when we grow and our bones stretch and our legs ache so bad in the night. In the end though it was worth while, and we forget the pain. I'm glad you were able to experience such a sense of beauty my friend.

    Wishing you peace... and lots of bright shiny colors...8)

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